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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my brothers wedding?

87 replies

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:00

I think I ABU but I'm not sure.

My brothers been with his partner for nearly 8 years. They don't want children and have always been blase about marriage saying it's outdated etc.

Now they're buying a house and making wills etc., it seems life will be much easier for them if they're married.

So because they don't really see marriage as anything big, they've decided to get hitched in a small room with 2 witnesses, no ceremony to speak of, no invites, no reception, no photos etc. They're not even that bothered about our parents (or her parents) being there.

I feel quite hurt by this because I haven't been invited but I see my brothers wedding as a big event that I'd like to be at. But they don't see it as a big event. Therefore, I'm worried I ABU but I can't help feeling a bit Sad

Sorry- very ranty post

OP posts:
HoHoHoNoYouDont · 20/05/2013 14:02

Sounds like my perfect wedding Grin

It sounds sensible to me. They don't want a fuss and the minute you start inviting people that's what it becomes.

Why not throw a dinner party for them at your house, your own little celebration.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/05/2013 14:03

Sorry you feel sad about it, but yes, yabu. It's their wedding, their way. If you want a big celebration for your own wedding, start saving. :)

ComposHat · 20/05/2013 14:03

I think you are being a wee bit unreasonable. You are investing a meaning in their wedding day that it doesn't hold for them. To them it appears to be a legal necessity rather than a celebration.

It is a bit like moaning that they didn't ask you to come and watch them pay their council tax bill.

Loulybelle · 20/05/2013 14:04

My friends cousin got married in this way, my friend was hurt, but then her cousin is a no frills kinda girl and quickly got over it.

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 14:04

Yes, YABU

My mum is in this situation right now! My parents have been together 31 years and my mum has finally agreed to get married (she has never wanted to as the daughter of two people who have had 5 marriages between them). She wants nobody but myself and my father there. My dad's sisters have said she's selfish and it's caused so much upset for my mum.

Marriage is between two people; a wedding is a public celebration. Your brother is getting married, he is not having a wedding.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 20/05/2013 14:05

It is a bit like moaning that they didn't ask you to come and watch them pay their council tax bill. Grin

Brilliant

Floralnomad · 20/05/2013 14:05

TBH I think they're being really sensible , not wasting money on a wedding when its really being done for financial /legal reasons , good for them .

expatinscotland · 20/05/2013 14:05

YABU. Some people don't want a 'wedding' and they shouldn't feel pressured to have one for other peoples' benefit.

TheseGoToEleven · 20/05/2013 14:06

YABU. I wanted a wedding like that but DH insisted on inviting people. In our case it was also a legal issue rather than that I wanted to be married, if it had been left to me we never would have bothered!

MrsHoarder · 20/05/2013 14:06

Unfortunately pressure to have a bigger party than wanted puts people off marriage. Your DB has decided he never wants a wedding but would like the state too recognise his life-long partnership, so is getting married.

He is avoiding having a wedding, which is entirely his choice.

ENormaSnob · 20/05/2013 14:07

Yabu. Very.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 20/05/2013 14:07

It's not an event for them. They are just taking care of some legal work. It's clearly no different to them than sitting down with their solicitor and making their wills. Would you feel bad if you weren't there witnessing that?

It's a wedding to you, an event to you, because of how you feel about weddings. or marriage.

To them, it's just signing a contract.

Original poster
Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:09

GlassofRose I like the split between 'marriage' and 'wedding'- I hadn't thought about it like that. My DB and partner call the 'the nuptuals' rather than the 'wedding'!

Yes, I did suspect I WBU but I just can't help feeling Sad that this is they way he feels about marriage.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 20/05/2013 14:11

YABU. If you want to go to a party, host one.

love the 'council tax' comment. Exactly. Wedding ceremonies are very dull. Got bored with mine and it only took 15 mins. (Hasten to add very far from bored with my wonderful husband!)

arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2013 14:11

YABU. It's their wedding, their choice.

MrsMook · 20/05/2013 14:11

Neither of you is being unreasonable. They want to sign a legal contract. You want to celebrate them being married as it's a rite of passage. Unfortunately they are mutually incompatible desires. It's just one of those things.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 20/05/2013 14:12

Why do you feel sad? It's no reflection on your marriage/views on marriage or anyone else's and it's not about seriousness in a relationship.

StuntGirl · 20/05/2013 14:15

I agree with hec. I'm not sure why you feel sad about your brothers sensible and valid choice.

hotcrosbum · 20/05/2013 14:15

That's what I wanted, only pouty mouthed, stampy footed relatives got their way and I had a wedding I hated.

Wish them well and let them have the day they want, it's only their business what they do.

abasicname · 20/05/2013 14:15

YABU. They are doing what they want. Just for legal reasons and nothing else. It's the same as if they went down the solicitors to sign wills, you wouldn't expect and invite, party, and dressing up for that would you? This is all that is for them, so given how they feel about it I would think it would be unreasonable if they were to invite people because that's a bit fake. Good on them.

BackforGood · 20/05/2013 14:16

YANBU to be feeling sad. I would be terribly upset if my brother did this, but I would have to accept that ultimately it's up to them.
Are you the only sibling, or would inviting you mean they would then have to invite 6 other siblings and 6 other siblings-in-law ?
If it's just you, then maybe your Mum or Dad could let them know how disappointed you are, and 'left out' you feel ? But I suspect that would be harder if there are lots of other siblings.

lynniep · 20/05/2013 14:18

YABU. I understand why you're upset, but they are doing what suits them. My parents (ok DF and DStep-M) got married with only a parent each as their witness. They had both been married before, and wanted to simply make it legal. My DStep-M's sister in law kicked off big time that she wasn't invited. I dont think they spoke again after that (this was in 1984) So just quietly be sad, but accept. They are doing exactly what is right for them.

Original poster
Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:18

Thanks for all of the comments. As I said in my first post, I thought I WBU and I'm glad the wisdom of MN has confirmed that for me!!

I just can't get my head around the idea that getting married means very little to them. For me, marriage is a huge rite of passage deal so I can't see their perspective. Not that I don't respect it etc, I just can't get it.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 14:19

It's okay to be upset that he doesn't value weddings like you do, but please think about why you feel it's so important.

Personally I don't understand the importance of weddings. I come from quite a big multicultural family so I've been to lots of types of weddings throughout my life. No matter what type, unless they were no frills they all seemed very much like an excuse for a family get together/ a party/ a show of wealth / living out childhood loo roll dolly dreams. I don't like parties or being center of attention and cannot think of anything less personal and intimate than getting married in front of everybody!

Don't be sad that your brother feels like this, be proud that he loves his wife to be and has no doubts about their relationship... it's so strong that they don't even feel the need to make a big public declaration. I personally think it's far more romantic and touching.

Original poster
Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:21

Backforgood I have two brothers. One got married with big white wedding business a few years ago. So inviting me would mean inviting my other bro and his wife as well.

My DBs partner is an only child though so no siblings to invite on her side.

OP posts: