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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my brothers wedding?

87 replies

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:00

I think I ABU but I'm not sure.

My brothers been with his partner for nearly 8 years. They don't want children and have always been blase about marriage saying it's outdated etc.

Now they're buying a house and making wills etc., it seems life will be much easier for them if they're married.

So because they don't really see marriage as anything big, they've decided to get hitched in a small room with 2 witnesses, no ceremony to speak of, no invites, no reception, no photos etc. They're not even that bothered about our parents (or her parents) being there.

I feel quite hurt by this because I haven't been invited but I see my brothers wedding as a big event that I'd like to be at. But they don't see it as a big event. Therefore, I'm worried I ABU but I can't help feeling a bit

Sorry- very ranty post

OP posts:

OctopusWrangler · 20/05/2013 14:21

Good for them, and for you for knowing deep down you're just being irrationally sisterly:o

Original poster

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:22

OctopusWrangler Ah shucks!

OP posts:

pictish · 20/05/2013 14:24

Yes yabu. It's up to them.

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 14:24

OP,

What do you mean by right of passage?

LaRegina · 20/05/2013 14:25

Sorry but YABU.

IF you want to play weddings why not organise yourself one to get your vows renewed or something? Or just buy this

LaRegina · 20/05/2013 14:25

SvetlanaKirilenko · 20/05/2013 14:26

YABU (and you know it, well done), this is what we did because it was what we wanted. It was wonderful and stress-free and made us very happy.

diddl · 20/05/2013 14:26

Well it is up to them, of course.

I suppose if it means nothing to them I can see why they want it so low key.

Sad that they have't thought that close family might like to be there, though.

Who are the witnesses?

pootlebug · 20/05/2013 14:27

"I just can't get my head around the idea that getting married means very little to them. For me, marriage is a huge rite of passage deal so I can't see their perspective. Not that I don't respect it etc, I just can't get it."

My husband and I got married with just us and our kids there. It wasn't because marriage isn't important to us - it was just because we didn't want that type of 'do'. Thankfully our families were supportive of our choice.

Original poster

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:29

GlassofRose Hmmm, I guess I see a marriage as a big 'life event' like leaving school, buying your first house, getting married, having children. So a rite of passage in that way.

My DB and his partner are more unconventional though I'm very boring and average and don't really go with the norm, IYSWIM.

LaRegina

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 20/05/2013 14:30

You don't need to get it. You just need to get that this is what it means to them, and accept it. You don't need to understand WHY it's not a big to them to understand that it is not a big deal to them.

iyswim.

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 14:36

Well with no offence intended OP, that makes it sound more like something you do because it's the done thing rather than an intimate special decision.

I honestly believe the reason so many marriages don't workout is because of the emphasis on having a wedding rather than getting married and who to.

HoobleDooble · 20/05/2013 14:36

I understand you feeling a bit rejected, but it's up to them. I had a very low key wedding, register office then a meal in a pub after for close family and my 2 closest friends. I did have a few uninvited extras who turned at the register office, but didn't mind, so don't quite understand why they don't just let you attend the actual 'tying the knot' bit.

So I think you will BU if you try and interfere with their plans, but you're not BU for having feelings/opinions about it, just keep them to yourself. They may decide, years down the line, that they regret not making a thing of it, and have a huge blessing that you are invited to.

oscarwilde · 20/05/2013 14:36

It could be worse. I've got a colleague who got married in Japan to a Japanese lady. They filled out a form, and she took it to the council office to be stamped while he had a lie in. 2 hrs later they were married. I don't think they even went out to dinner to celebrate

LaRegina · 20/05/2013 14:39

Ok have no sense of humour then

scaevola · 20/05/2013 14:42

They're getting married, not having a wedding. That sounds fine to me.

CPtart · 20/05/2013 14:49

I didn't get invited to my brother's wedding. Only the parents. They too wanted a very small intimate service and I respect that. We are not close however, I maybe only see him two or three times a year so it didn't bother me in the least!

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 20/05/2013 14:51

I wanted a wedding like that, just me, him and the children. He wanted his flipping family and friends so although it was v v small it wasnt really what I wanted tbh.

So, YABU as you know, I really think a wedding is about the marriage and about the two people involved, but I realise I am not a people person and a miserable git so I`m probably wrong

Startail · 20/05/2013 14:52

YANBU, but sometimes we do need a moment's rant when people do things quite differently to us, then we can take a deep breath and carry on.

DSIL is like your brother and I confess that DH,DMIL and I did bake a cake and organise a very low key party at the house after her wedding.

Should we have done? Well she joined in and didn't disown us. BIL probably gave us another black mark, but no one cared about that.

Yes, weddings are your day, but when you've been part of a village all your life there is a balance to be struck.

I think this is why survival partnerships for all is such a good idea. The word wedding comes with baggage.

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 14:53

Yes, weddings are your day, but when you've been part of a village all your life there is a balance to be struck.

I don't believe this ever applies. You can't have weddings, babies etc live to please others

HorraceTheOtter · 20/05/2013 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialOldDear · 20/05/2013 14:55

Getting married ie the wedding might not mean much to them, but being married might mean a lot! They are just fast tracking to marriage, which is what getting married is all about.

Original poster

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:57

Horrace See my DB and his partner the opposite, they're telling people but they're not having rings

OP posts:

Tubemole1 · 20/05/2013 15:01

I wanted a wedding like your brother's but I told my mum and she got very upset.

We owned property together and wanted a child, so legally we was better off getting married.

We didn't get the wedding we wanted because our family kicked up a fuss. I have regretted it ever since. But I still didn't wear a dress, there was no photographer and no speeches. We all went together to the register office on a minibus. Mum still wasn't ecstatic, but we had limited means, so, tough.

Your brother has already proved to his partner that they are a good match and in it for the long term. Getting married was merely a legal formality. Marriage isn't one day, it's (hopefully) for life.

cory · 20/05/2013 15:05

Remember that you don't have to "get" everything about him for him to be your brother and for you to have a loving relationship.

I have a different religion to my brothers. Have had since I was in primary school. It's not a rejection of them- it's got nothing to do with them. Just something that is right for me.

My brother didn't buy a house until he was in his fifties. That wasn't a rejection of me, just the way it suited him.

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