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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my brothers wedding?

87 replies

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 14:00

I think I ABU but I'm not sure.

My brothers been with his partner for nearly 8 years. They don't want children and have always been blase about marriage saying it's outdated etc.

Now they're buying a house and making wills etc., it seems life will be much easier for them if they're married.

So because they don't really see marriage as anything big, they've decided to get hitched in a small room with 2 witnesses, no ceremony to speak of, no invites, no reception, no photos etc. They're not even that bothered about our parents (or her parents) being there.

I feel quite hurt by this because I haven't been invited but I see my brothers wedding as a big event that I'd like to be at. But they don't see it as a big event. Therefore, I'm worried I ABU but I can't help feeling a bit

Sorry- very ranty post

OP posts:

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 15:08

All the "I didn't get a day I wanted" stories makes me honestly sad. It really is sad that a parents hopes and dreams are more important than yours.

Original poster

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 15:10

GlassofRose That's exactly what I was thinking.

I'm actually really glad my DBs decided to do it his way rather than going with what me, my mums etc would want after reading some of stories of unhappy brides on here

OP posts:

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 15:12

Glad you feel like that fresh :)

Personally A quick pop to local town hall then afternoon tea somewhere posh like Claridges sounds perfect to me

diddl · 20/05/2013 15:16

But sometimes we don't do things exactly how we want because we take the feelings of others into account.

For example they could invite parents/siblings to the ceremony & all go out to lunch.

Doesn't have to be all rellies there or none!

BackforGood · 20/05/2013 15:29

I agree Diddl.

I can't agree with GlassofRose - of course you can do things the way you want, but I think you will end up quite sad, and maybe even lonely if you never take account of the feelings of people close to you either.
*Diddl's suggestion doesn't involve a big 'fuss' or special dress or rings or people looking at you, but it would acknowledge that it is a significant day.

Original poster

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 15:43

Diddl I think being quite isolated (if not lonely) is what my DB and his partner actually want!

OP posts:

Original poster

Freshcutgrass · 20/05/2013 15:44

^ I meant BackforGood re that last post! Sorry!

OP posts:

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 15:47

Backforgood - But if people are willing to cut ties or devalue the relationship you have with them because they don't like the way you chose to marry etc then are they who you want in your life?

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 15:50

For example, if my mum decided she didn't want me at her wedding I might not like the choice but I wouldn't allow it to hurt our relationship because I love her dearly and respect that she makes her own choices and she doesn't need to justify them to me.

If you can't respect other people's choices that you don't like then you don't deserve to have a place in their life as a martyr... in my opinion obviously.

januaryjojo · 20/05/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/05/2013 16:04

Well it can snowball, I agree.

But if you stick at parents & siblings & their partners it doesn't have to.

I know that I'd be really hurt if my sibling or child didn't want me at their wedding.

I realise that it's not a big deal to the OPs brother-doesn't mean that it isn't to his parents/siblings.

BarbarianMum · 20/05/2013 16:12

Sounds just like my sister's wedding. If they don't consider it important, then why should you?

I had quite a big wedding. But it's my marriage that's important.

ZillionChocolate · 20/05/2013 16:15

I was thinking YABU and idly wondering how I'd react then realised I have direct experience of this. My sibling got married with no friends/relatives present. That's what they wanted. I accept it and whilst I would faced lived to be there, what they did/didn't want was more important. I had the wedding I wanted for me, I can't make everyone else have it.

I can see Diddl's point of "well if they don't care, then it wouldn't hurt" and I expect that works for events like graduations, people get sucked in to the ceremony, photos and lunch to keep proud parents happy. I expect your brother and SIL do care, and have actively rejected any sort of fuss. I'm sure they know you'd be there if they'd let you. You have to respect that. I think the different religion is a good analogy.

If you want a family get together, then organise one. My family have a massive barbecue every summer, sometimes it coincides with a big birthday/wedding anniversary, sometimes not.

ZillionChocolate · 20/05/2013 16:16

Have loved, not faced lived.

ipswitch · 20/05/2013 16:21

I can understand how you feel OP.

My DB is getting married soon and has invited my parents, my godmother and my older BD and family to his wedding but not me and my DH. We are invited to the 3pm reception in a village hall. He says it is a space thing, but I am very hurt and upset too. ( And have been for months)

For me the important part of the wedding is the ceremony and vows and as we are not invited to this we will not making the 300 mile round trip to attend his evening do.

Im very sad too at my brothers decisions re his wedding guest list, but its his choice ( or would be if he had any balls). I wish DB and SIL had decided to have no-one at the wedding but 2 witnessess and then a big party for all afterwards.

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2013 16:28

I think it's understandable you feel the way you do, because you do see Marriage and Weddings as a big deal, whereas they are only seeing it as a sensible legal arrangment.

Is it also a sense that you've been 'done out of' a family event? for a lot of extended family, a wedding isn't just about the couple, but ends up being almost a community thing, one of the rare events that gets all an extended family together at the same time - so by not doing it that way you have also lost one of those events.

We are running out of family events for a while - of my grandparents generation, we have sadly lost all of them now so no funerals to get everyone together - of my generation, there's only one left of the cousins to get married, then we have a large gap to the younger cousins who if they get married, it'll probably not be for another decade at least. Because of this, I know I'll get pressure to have this DC's christening be a big event (currently pregnant), even if I'd happily just have the baptism in the normal weekly service and just a few people back to ours. (Everyone else in my generation of cousins have either completed their families or are unlikely to have DCs, so last christening option.)

That all said, you do have to accept this is his choice, as said upthread, he's just getting married, he's not throwing a wedding. Keep telling yoruself your DB isn't having a wedding, not that he's having one and not inviting you.

BackforGood · 20/05/2013 16:47

That's interesting FreshCutGrass - you I don't ever think that anyone would want to be isolated. You've opened my eyes

GlassofRose I hear what you are saying, but surely in any relationship (parent - child / 2 friends / siblings / etc) there has to be a certain amount of taking the other person's feelings into account ? I wouldn't cut ties if my brother had done this, and I don't think the OP is thinking of it either, but I'd feel 'pushed out' if you like, and there's only so many times over the course of a relationship you want to take that, or it all becomes a bit one sided.

januaryjojo · 20/05/2013 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/05/2013 17:18

Who said anything about nieces & nephews?

I mentioned parents & siblings which I think in the case of OPs brother would be 10.

It's up to the couple, of course anyway, it just seems to me that compromise is possible.

Still, it's not what they want, & as OP has said, she has to accept it.

She's sad about it & I know I would be in the same circs.

Still, not about us-but the couple-who are doing exactly what they want.

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 17:29

I hear what you are saying too BackForGood, but I just don't think that a parents wishes are relevant when you are making life choices like that.

My nan loathes her sons choice in partner. Many reasons why and quite justified but she has to respect that even though his partner isn't her choice for him and it makes her unhappy it is his life choice and allowing it to have an affect on their relationship would destroy it.

You have the right to feel however you like about your loved ones choices, but you just have no right to have a say in them.

GlassofRose · 20/05/2013 17:30

It's almost though some people think being a mother gives you the right to have a say. Maybe when the human you bore is in your care... but as an adult you just don't.

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2013 18:18

Diddl - but see, if you start having 10 people to a wedding,you have to feed them, you have to think about what you're going to wear, it starts being an event that people who aren't invited too get upset about - and you go with family, they might not actually be the people you are closest too. Whereas the couple getting married this way are not having a wedding event. They are just doing the legal side. Of course, their mistake is telling people they are doing this and expecting their wishes to be respected....

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2013 18:24

I also find weddings (rather like lots of parenting decisions like weaning, or career choices, or many other choices), are treated by a lot of extended family as telling them what they did was wrong if you chose to do something differently to them.

So having a big do when rest of the family didn't, you'll get accused of being excessive or showy, or only caring about the day not the marriage - have something small when the rest of the family have big weddings, you aren't doing it properly, you're leaving people out, it's selfish if you've been to other people's weddings not to host when it's your turn etc - marriage in a hotel when everyone else has a church wedding - well it's not a "real" wedding, get married in a church when most of the family haven't done that, well you're only doing it for the photos...

januaryjojo · 20/05/2013 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/05/2013 18:30

Well to me, 10 people consisting of parents and siblings isn't an event-and why do you have to feed them?

Surely that's only needed when there'a an invitation requesting presence at a reception?

But I do agree that maybe they should just have done it!

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