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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 1st born children get the better start.

54 replies

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 21:55

Just thinking from my pov.

Pfb had me for 3 years before PSB arrived, in those 3 years he had total 1-1 attention from me, we went swimming a lot also the park and holidays. I just had more time for ds as an only children

When dd was born I had to spread my time with the 2 children.

I wouldn't say I have a stronger bond for pfb as I love my children for different reasons and I have a different bond.

But do you think first born children have a better start in life.

OP posts:

Molehillmountain · 19/05/2013 21:57

They have a start more conducive to high achievement but not necessarily to contentment.

NotYoMomma · 19/05/2013 21:59

I'm pregnant with second and I hope not. I try to think that although dc2 will never be the 'only one's the way dc1 is, dc1 had that.but.then 'lost' that so all of us will have to adapt and love each other just as much

hope

ShatnersBassoon · 19/05/2013 21:59

No, I'd stopped worrying about the pointless parenting shit and had more fun with DC2. I didn't obsess over diet, stimulation (too much v not enough), sleep routines etc.

OTTMummA · 19/05/2013 22:02

I always feel sorry for the eldest, they are kind of the dummy rum, guinea pig etc, plus they have your undivided attention and out of nowhere a screaming bundle of baby steals time away from them!

youmeatsix · 19/05/2013 22:02

i think the opposite, i think 2nd & 3rd children get to do more at an earlier age, i took 1st born swimming initially at 6,7 months, and then on in, as we still went when 2nd was born, she got to go almost immediately, lots of things happened that way, and we still went holidays and days out so that didnt change at all

SizzleSazz · 19/05/2013 22:02

No, because the second child has someone else to learn from, pick up how life works and generally travel in their slipstream.

I say that as a second child, and having a second child who seems to just breeze through stuff that her sister had to forge a trail in

Original poster

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 22:03

Never look at it that way before ottmummaA

OP posts:

kim147 · 19/05/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amazingmumof6 · 19/05/2013 22:03

maybe. my heart bleeds for DD whois 6th, what hope does she have?

badguider · 19/05/2013 22:04

second and later borns have an example in the home to copy, ime they tend to be more on top of 'grown up' behaviours (eating at table, potty training etc)...
I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other and balances out.

PoppyWearer · 19/05/2013 22:04

But then DC2 gets time with you once DC1 starts school.

trashcanjunkie · 19/05/2013 22:05

made all my mistakes on my first. Poor sod. two and three (twins) came eight years later and I really had my shit together by then.

FaintlyMacabre · 19/05/2013 22:07

I think second and subsequents have it much better. They have more relaxed parents who know what they're doing (roughly!) and aren't worrying about every milestone or perceived problem that isn't even a problem.

And they have an older sibling or siblings. Lucky second borns!

Original poster

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 22:07

This is a thread more about being curious, not a dig at anyone parenting or how many children someone has

OP posts:

5madthings · 19/05/2013 22:08

I always say that ds1 is our guinea pig and I think it can be has to be the first born. I know I had to push and push to do stuff as a Teen and then my little sister had it mucc easier in comparison.

I think they all have their pros and cons tbh but I was certainly much more relaxed after no 1.

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 22:10

DS2 is the high achiever, followed by DS3,

Kiwiinkits · 19/05/2013 22:13

I often think DD1 had it better in terms of attention from her parents. She had SO many stories, songs, cuddles, special trips etc. And as a consequence of all that input she is a great talker, very engaged, very social, bright little person. DD2 has had far less in the way of verbal/language input but has been expected to do physical things a lot earlier. Eg. drinking from her own bottle, eating her own food, getting her own toys. As a consequence she is a very independent and self-reliant little soul. She has been slightly later to talk but was much earlier to walk. I do think nurture has had a lot to do with how they've turned out, TBH.

OTTMummA · 19/05/2013 22:15

My 2nd is much more content, I have been much more relaxed this time round.
I feel very guilty about the first 2/3 yrs of DS's life (5) I had horrendous antenatel depression and then psychotic depression when be was 5 months, dispite bring extremely bright and sporty he get incredibly anxious and is not very outgoing.
I feel like I have failed him tbh, I do not feel any negativity about DDs start.

WafflyVersatile · 19/05/2013 22:17

Every child's environment is unique to them and each has its 'pros and cons'. There are correlations between birth order and likely outcomes in certain areas but with so many other variables at work there is little point in trying to plan round this one variable.

So in one case study you might have your first child and you are in a position to give a lot of attention to this child in the first 2.5 years, lots of sensitive parenting encouragement to talk, walk, draw, play etc etc. But at 2.5 years another baby comes! Suddenly you can't give her all your attention and there is some wailing monster in the corner stealing your love . Then for child 2 she doesn't get so much unfettered attention because the toddler has to be watched like a hawk before she hauls the contents of a cupboard on top of her and other dangers, so baby 2 is left to herself more as long as she's not crying, and is ok enough except when her maniac big sister is trying to kill her by pushing her pram down the stairs.

But maybe when she had baby1 she got PND and finances were tight and the shock of being parents was stressing her relationship with her partner for the first year or so and maybe when baby2 is born they were better off financially and she didn't get PND which allowed her to be more attentive and sensitive to baby2's early needs unlike with baby1.

See, lots of variables. Firstborn =/= most happy, successful and well-balanced adult. It's far more complex than that. Each child has his/her own challenges and 'advantages'.

OTTMummA · 19/05/2013 22:18

Sorry about the spelling, am on the iPhone.

marriedinwhiteagain · 19/05/2013 22:25

Depends on the circumstances. Didn't have aclue when dS1 was born although he got a lot of attention; then DS2 was born and died and I don't think DS1 got quality parenting for about 12 months. DD arrived and is/was a differennt child altogether and might have been harder hit by the state I was in for a year.

They are 15 and 18 now and seem to have turned out OK. Shame they can't remember really!!

marriedinwhiteagain · 19/05/2013 22:28

I meant to say a good job they can't remember - think I was about to say the whole of DS's earliest years were a bit of a shame but changed tack. Uh - they were hard years.

Springforward · 19/05/2013 22:28

I get the feeling PFBs suffer from most of DParents' mistakes which they get sorted by DC2.

I'll let you know once DC2 has been here for a while!

Original poster

McNewPants2013 · 19/05/2013 22:30

Some good point here and I am reading every reply

OP posts:

TheDishwasherFairy · 19/05/2013 22:33

I'm the eldest and I had all the PFB expectation on me. I was the serious one, the responsible one, etc.

My younger siblings are all totally laid back and had a much easier ride because I had to go through all the parental barriers first. So by the time they got to the same stage my parents were like 'whatever'.

My brother is now very successful. I haven't done too badly either by any means, but I'm envious of how less highly strung than me he is.

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