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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think if your Daughter was grieving you would ring her?

87 replies

puzzled365 · 12/05/2013 18:41

I have name changed because the topic may out me in RL!
If your Daughter's Husband died recently and she was alone with small children, would you ring every day to check they were OK?
Just genuinely wonder if that's the way to go or to let them ask for help?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 12/05/2013 18:42

I would be by her side

DeskPlanner · 12/05/2013 18:42

Yes, I'd ring her. Is it your daughter ?

Choccywoccydodah · 12/05/2013 18:42

I wouldn't ring every day, but certainly every other day.
Sorry for your/her loss Xx

starfished · 12/05/2013 18:43

Mix of ringing, texts and emails but yes communication every day.

Greenkit · 12/05/2013 18:43

Bugger ringing, I would be there helping her through.

Is the daughter you? If so Im so sorry for your loss x

ThatGhastlyWoman · 12/05/2013 18:43

God, I'd like to think so. In fact, I'd be at her house as much as I could manage, I think (assuming that was possible)- but a lot would depend upon our relationship and personalities.

StitchAteMySleep · 12/05/2013 18:44

Ring? I would be physically there as long as she wanted/needed me. After that I would ring as often as she wanted me to, I would ask her if she minded me calling everyday.

Lilypad34 · 12/05/2013 18:45

Grief is such a personal journey I think depending on how close mother and daughter are I'd either be with her or led by her, sometimes you don't want to talk, no matter who they are.

Lj8893 · 12/05/2013 18:47

Yep, I would be by her side until she didn't want me there anymore.

My mum would do exactly the same, in fact she would be there even after I had asked her to go!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/05/2013 18:47

No. I wouldn't ring her.

I'd already be with her. But saying that if she wants me to leave, I will, and making it very clear that I will do whatever it is she wants me to do and that I am there for her, for whatever she needs or wants me to do.

A phone call doesn't cut it, imo.

Dams · 12/05/2013 18:47

I would be there for her as much as she wanted me to be. I would certainly text her every day to make sure that she was ok and to see if she needed anything. I wouldn't ring because sometimes, in those circumstances, you just don't want to speak to anybody.

peachypips · 12/05/2013 18:48

If it was one of my DSs I wouldn't phone- I would get straight in the car and be there as long as I was wanted/needed. I wouldn't wait to be asked, I'd go immediately.

Fairylea · 12/05/2013 18:48

Yes I'd ring definitely. I'd like to be there for her and I'd stay for as long as she needed me but at the same time I'd offer and let her ask me as I'd hate her to feel imposed on by me when she might want some private time.

quoteunquote · 12/05/2013 18:49

It depends, it can be very invasive and wearing having to cope with other perceptions of the situation,

I would ask them to let me know if I was being overbearing contacting each day, as it can be hard if you have just settled down, and the phone goes yet again, and you have to revisit each new emotion,

Pace yourself on the support as it is a very long haul through grief.

Tiredtrout · 12/05/2013 18:50

If my daughter wanted me to ring her I would but I'd most likely be with her. Hope you are ok

SgtTJCalhoun · 12/05/2013 18:50

I hope I would be with her, that she would want that. Yes I would call every day if I wasn't physically with her until she told me to stop.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2013 18:51

I'd be there for as long as she wanted but if I wasn't there I'd phone more than once a day. Of course - who wouldn't?

mrsslc · 12/05/2013 18:52

Not unreasonable at all.
My mum, and me as a mum myself, would be there doing everything possible.
Even if she thought I wanted to be alone, there's still the children and the house to help with.
Like many others have said, no phone call needed :-)

apostropheuse · 12/05/2013 18:52

Really it would depend on the daughter. She may not want to her mother to ring every day. I would ask her what she was comfortable with/wanted and follow her wishes.

I wouldn't necessarily be physically with her every day though due to work commitments.

frogspoon · 12/05/2013 18:52

Depends how recently.

Immediately following the death I think it would be ideal to be physically there everyday, staying overnight if she wants, in order to help her with sorting out funeral arrangements and helping her with the kids.

In the next couple of weeks following the funeral should be phoning/ communicating every day and visiting at least once a week. If possible doing things like bringing cooked meals over and taking the kids to/from school/nursery/clubs etc. Just little things that would help to make things easier at such a difficult time.

After a couple of months, reduce phone calls down to e.g. every other day, unless she wants them to call more often.

Key thing would be going with her wishes, and making sure they are there to support her and kids.

ClaraOswald · 12/05/2013 18:52

It would depend how recently, but would certainly call every other day at least.

Not always ask Do you need help, just chat about anything.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 12/05/2013 18:53

I would be by her side in a heartbeat and wouldn't leave until she was ready. I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope your parents come good for you.

Doilooklikeatourist · 12/05/2013 18:53

I would be at her side ( if she needed me there )
Or ringing every couple of hours day

sue52 · 12/05/2013 18:54

I would do all I could to get her through.

usualsuspect · 12/05/2013 18:55

I would be by her side, for as long as she needed me.