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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Huge row with Bf

66 replies

Brightlydoesit · 04/05/2013 12:13

Help. AIBU . Bf stays at mine most weekends and I shop each week usually spending about £60 £70 to feed my son and myself. When bf comes he will usually bring some milk ( he likes different one to me otherwise he'd probably use mine) and sometimes bread. I normally cook a roast one day. Today we went shopping he wanted rolls bacon ect basically I paid around £60 for the shop. He went to put an item in trolley and I wasn't very happy. He snapped " don't worry I'll give you some money" I didn't really comment. Basically it escalated with him saying I made him feel like shit and and that he doesn't pay his way, but he seems to think paying his way is getting a bottle of wine occasionally and some salad bits to go with a meal ( that's only cos he likes different tomatoes to me)

He does some DIY at my house which I am grateful for but as he stays a lot and doesn't contribute to bills ect I think that's fair enough. He doesn't see that I feed him a lot. He practically threw a £20 note at me and shouted I couldn't make him feel much lower. If he moves in he' l be coming to a ready made house everything bought and paid for by me. If it was the other way around and if I didn't have much cash I would be going out of my way to contribute in other ways. And I'd be upset not angry if I thought he thought I was taking advantage.

He was in a mood all the way round the shop because he could feel I was abit miffed but I was still being pleasant to him. I never asked for money but resented the way he was making out I was mean by snapping don't worry I'll give you some money. AIBU

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 04/05/2013 12:16

Oh dear. It sounds to me as if he realises the free ride is going to be over soon and he doesn't like the thought.

Xales · 04/05/2013 12:18

Basically he is telling you loudly and clearly that he is entitled to your cash spent on him.

You called him on it and he had an almighty tantrum because he is a user and couldn't defend his actions.

Why are you even thinking of moving him in?

Move him it at your peril and yours and your son's expense.

HeySoulSister · 04/05/2013 12:19

assume he works??

TigOldBitties · 04/05/2013 12:19

YANBU you should be making him feel like he doesn't pull his weight because it doesn't sound like he does.

You need to have a talk with him, I'd probably bring out the receipts and show him how you're spending xyz and he's eating abc so that your spending so much on him, I'd show your bills and make it quite clear of all your expenses and how little he contributes.

Obviously he should listen when you tell him but I think showing someone can be much more effective.

magimedi · 04/05/2013 12:20

I'd be seriously reconsidering the idea of him moving in. Can't stand meanness & freeloaders.

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/05/2013 12:20

He's a cheapskate.
When he's staying it should be half and half.
What sort of DIY does he do, because if it's expensive and time consuming then at least he's contributing something.
Otherwise you shouldn't have to ask, he should offer automatically.

AudrinaAdare · 04/05/2013 12:22

Listen to him. Paying his way is NOT the same as giving you money. He reminds me of XH who thinks that £3.32 each fortnight towards his daughter is him giving me money

Original poster

Brightlydoesit · 04/05/2013 12:23

Oh god that sounds bad. He has a way of making me feel awful by saying I've made him feel so low ect. Am I going completely mad in thinking that the normal way of dealing with this situation might be for him to turn up with some shopping or a couple of meals for the weekend if he can't afford to eat out every weekend? What do you think should happen. I do know and understand I have more money than him but I resent the expectation and the reaction when I call him on it

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 04/05/2013 12:23

"Oh dear. It sounds to me as if he realises the free ride is going to be over soon and he doesn't like the thought."

Agree.

If he is staying with such regularity he needs to be contributing to the household bills. I would at the very least expect him to be paying towards food. I would be sitting down and explaining that if you moved in together you would be splitting the bills equally, as you would then be a partnership, and that it will be x amount per month, non-negotiable.

That said it doesn't much sound like he views you as a partnership and I would be reconsidering moving in together.

AudrinaAdare · 04/05/2013 12:26

Oh and it's a well known con trick to make the other person feel petty for asking. It's only a cigarette/ fiver etc well it all adds up. My response now is of it's of no value well you needn't feel aggrieved if you don't get it.

HeySoulSister · 04/05/2013 12:27

how can you have more money than him when you have a child as well though?

Original poster

Brightlydoesit · 04/05/2013 12:27

He works full time

He decorates paints wallpapers ect. Was going to re- roof shed but that's not happening today as he's now stropped off. Actually that's it I think. Some other small bits that to be fair it's hard to get someone in to do and they charge the earth. Door handles ect shelves brackets.

Maybe he's a bit embarrassed cos he's aware he can't spend much and I've called him on it. But he does seem to have an expectation

OP posts:

everlong · 04/05/2013 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 04/05/2013 12:33

Where does he live at the moment? Does he pay his way, rent, bills, food, etc?

The fact that he can't discuss something so minor in a respectful, adult way would make me extremely wary about moving in with him.

Patosshades · 04/05/2013 12:37

Listen and look hard at how he reacted to paying for a small few items today.

If he moves in will every weeks shopping experience be the same? Him sulking, you placating him, him throwing the cash at you, you smiling sweetly so as not to rock the boat?

Allalonenow · 04/05/2013 12:38

He was angry, (rather than upset as you would have been), as a way of forcing you to back down and continue paying for his food.
In other words, he was using his anger to bully you into submission, so that you would do what he wanted.

He is taking advantage of your kind nature. Work out how much the food he has eaten this weekend has cost you, and when he is getting ready to leave tell him he owes you £XX, and that you will be doing that each time he stays from now on, as you cannot affort to suppoer him. His reaction will reveal a lot about him, and how much respect he has for you.

Sugarice · 04/05/2013 12:39

He's had a hissy fit and stropped off over money and shopping.

He sounds like he could be hard work, entitled and demanding if he moves in with you, think carefully about that.

YourHandInMyHand · 04/05/2013 12:42

YANBU

His anger was manipulation so you back down and don't rock the boat. He should be offering to put to the shop, feeding a grown man costs! He shouldn't be sulkily throwing money at you and getting into a strop.

I'd not consider moving in with him at all unless he has a personality transplant. He's taking the piss!

mameulah · 04/05/2013 12:50

It doesn't ever get better than it is at the beginning.

I had a bf like that years ago and was so relieved when I finally realised how selfish he was.

Actions speak louder than words. Why should he save while you are spending?

Honestly, get rid of him. You won't meet the man you deserve if you are stuck with him.

The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you will get over him, the sooner you will meet someone lovely.

Original poster

Brightlydoesit · 04/05/2013 12:51

Am I wrong in thinking he should have just offered to pay half for the shop before it got to this. And offered nicely and normally not ' don't worry I' l give you some money" as saying it that way makes me sound mean.

OP posts:

DorisIsWaiting · 04/05/2013 12:51

if he is woirking full time where is his money going?

he certainly doesn't seem to see that he has any resposnility to paying his way when he is with you.

Hold off on the moving in. If he tantrums like this for you discussing money moving in is not where you need to go.

aPseudonymToFoolHim · 04/05/2013 12:54

JUST like my ex cocklodger. He stayed at my house whenever he felt like it.
He never DID contribute to household costs, never.

He complained that HE only has ONE source of income, whereas I have my wages, my tax credits, and my child benefit.

If we got a takeaway, though, we would take turns in paying, theoretically, but it always seemed to be my turn.
One day, ex, me and my brother were ordering takeaway. It was my turn to pay AGAIN. They only charged me for two out of the 3 portions. Excellent.

The next time, it was HIS turn to pay. He said it was STILL my turn to pay because HIS had been free last time so I hadn't paid for his, so he wasn't paying for mine!!
UnFUCKINGbelievable! How come the one we got free was HIS, not mine, or DB's???

The only time he ever contributed to a weekly shop was when we went on s/c holiday. I didn't ask him to, and was gobsmacked he didn't try to split the bill 4 ways because of my two dcs that aren't his children.

However, a few weeks after the holiday, he went off in one of his regular tantrumming strops and started texting me loads of abuse about how I'd only invited him on holiday so he would pay half the costs!
I responded saying that to "have" to contribute ONE week of the year was still a pretty good fucking ride!

Get rid. Think of the messages your child will be getting.

Sorry for the hijack, but that felt pretty cathartic! :)

GoblinGranny · 04/05/2013 12:56

I wouldn't accept that in a student houseshare, or from either of my adult children, let alone as a prospective live-in lover. His attitude stinks, and he is emotionally manipulative. How many flags do you see here?
Has he lived alone and supported himself entirely for several years?
Or is he looking for a home with benefits and little responsibility?
Seriously, disentangle yourself and find an odd job person to help you. Or learn household jobs yourself, it will be a lot less expensive both financially and emotionally.

BalloonSlayer · 04/05/2013 12:57

< adjusts binoculars >

[David Attenborough whisper] " . . . and I see a fine example of Cockus Logerus, the common Cocklodger, often found in urban areas, in his ceaseless search for a comfortable nest where he can be warm and comfortable without any financial outlay. By the time the owner of the nest realises that all she is getting from this arrangement is some sub-standard sex, it is usually too late."

GoblinGranny · 04/05/2013 12:57

Why do people tolerate this behaviour? I'm honestly bemused and baffled.

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