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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Huge row with Bf

66 replies

Brightlydoesit · 04/05/2013 12:13

Help. AIBU . Bf stays at mine most weekends and I shop each week usually spending about £60 £70 to feed my son and myself. When bf comes he will usually bring some milk ( he likes different one to me otherwise he'd probably use mine) and sometimes bread. I normally cook a roast one day. Today we went shopping he wanted rolls bacon ect basically I paid around £60 for the shop. He went to put an item in trolley and I wasn't very happy. He snapped " don't worry I'll give you some money" I didn't really comment. Basically it escalated with him saying I made him feel like shit and and that he doesn't pay his way, but he seems to think paying his way is getting a bottle of wine occasionally and some salad bits to go with a meal ( that's only cos he likes different tomatoes to me)

He does some DIY at my house which I am grateful for but as he stays a lot and doesn't contribute to bills ect I think that's fair enough. He doesn't see that I feed him a lot. He practically threw a £20 note at me and shouted I couldn't make him feel much lower. If he moves in he' l be coming to a ready made house everything bought and paid for by me. If it was the other way around and if I didn't have much cash I would be going out of my way to contribute in other ways. And I'd be upset not angry if I thought he thought I was taking advantage.

He was in a mood all the way round the shop because he could feel I was abit miffed but I was still being pleasant to him. I never asked for money but resented the way he was making out I was mean by snapping don't worry I'll give you some money. AIBU

OP posts:

GoblinGranny · 04/05/2013 15:55

< waits for the yells of 'victim-blaming is unacceptable, you are not a feminist' >

Just why do you think you deserve this shit?

OTheHugeManatee · 04/05/2013 16:10

Cocklodger.

LTB.

HTH

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2013 16:10

"This sort of thread just baffles me. I cannot understand why apparently intelligent, sensible women can put up with such shit treatment."

I would expect it is because it snuck up so slowly on her as to be imperceptible. After all, how long might this relationship have been going on? Months, certainly. And the OP has condensed all those months (years?) into a couple of paragraphs that took me one or two minutes to read. Winnowing out all the rest of those months that might have distracted me from something that's niggled at her for a while until she was able to pin it down and put it into words that I could then read.

Most of us assume the best in other people. I expect the OP overlooked the first few instances of this behaviour, putting it down to awkwardness on his part, maybe his family do things differently so he doesn't see that he's freeloading, any number of excuses; because nobody likes to think badly of someone. It takes time to be able to see that actually there's a pattern to the behaviour, and that you don't like the pattern.

BUT - and it's a big but - it is human nature to doubt that you are the one who is right. Hence the need to come on here, run it past a bunch of strangers with no emotional involvement in the situation, and just ask - 'I am in the right here, aren't I?'. It is because the OP is an intelligent sensible woman that she started the thread.

digerd · 04/05/2013 16:13

All of the above. But what disturbs me the most is the nasty way he speaks to you and treats you. He is a selfish bully.
Get rid of him now.

LemonPeculiarJones · 04/05/2013 17:42

Absolutely, get rid of him. He won't change. He's mean and entitled and childish and if you let him move in it would only get worse.

Christ he must think you're so lucky to have him so why should he pay anything towards anything?

Loser. So lose him.

freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 18:00

Balloonslayer

DottyboutDots · 04/05/2013 18:03

Kick him to the curb. Don't go to the next level with this one.

MissMogwi · 04/05/2013 18:17

All of the above. Get rid OP, you deserve better.

Original poster

Brightlydoesit · 05/05/2013 07:01

Sorry didn't mean to desert you all , thanks for posting , was out all yesterday afternoon.

Half an hour after massive row and me saying I wasn't going to be taken for a mug ect he came downstairs and apologised for the way he spoke. We had a discussion he said he will pay half of everything. I had to point out that its not just the food he sees me buying but things like sugar loo rolls tea bags ect and he agreed I had a a point. So we will see!

Just to answer a few of your questions. My son is 18 and off to uni soon. BF lives in his own place but it is a room in shared house and his his own younger children who live with their mum who he pays maintainance for so is a bit shorter of cash than me. But I'm not stupid and I'm still not going to be taken for a ride.

OP posts:

GoblinGranny · 05/05/2013 07:21

Bless, you can replace one teenager with another so you won't have an empty nest.
When's he planning on moving in?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2013 08:56

So, he says he will pay for half of everything (but you still had to point out just what everything encompasses).

Does that actually address the fact that "He has a way of making me feel awful by saying I've made him feel so low" ? He is still someone who has preferred to manipulate you into feeling bad rather that pull his own weight. And I'd put money on him reverting to type as his first convenience. Be wary of this man, OP.

flangledoodle · 05/05/2013 09:19

I think you should give him a chance. It sounds like the two of you had never clearly communicated on this subject and now you have. Maybe he just didn't think, just like men often seem not to notice the , what is to you, obvious mess that needs tidying IYSWIM.

Let's see now he understands how you see the arrangement how he behaves in the future. I think if you are happy together this is not a dealbreaker, yet.

Xales · 05/05/2013 09:22

So he pays for a room in a shared house with I assume shared utility bills, council tax etc. While you rent/own a property which you pay fully alone including utilities, council tax etc.

He pays what towards his DC while you pay all for yours apart from any equivilant to what he pay for his from your ex?

If he stayed at his own on weekends who would pay for his food & drink including a roast one of those days? And cook it!

Maybe, being generous, he pays way more than the minimum required for his DC. If so he has been doing so at your expense. I don't think so as he now has the money to pay you though...

Point being you had to have a massive row to stop him treating you like shit, making you feel bad and taking from you. You shouldn't have to.

If you now have to watch him and pull him up when he is disrespectful how will that affect you relationship? If you let little thing slide how long until you are back to square one?

Good luck.

Sallyingforth · 05/05/2013 10:07

I look at the money thing as not the whole problem but as a symptom of a generally selfish attitude. Personally I could overlook the money if he was hard up but loving and supportive. But from what you say it doesn't sound like he is. Be careful.

GingerBlondecat · 05/05/2013 11:34

Even with the new update, It doesn't sound like a 'dream come true'

ASK HIM what he thinks all this entails. Talk to HIM, GET things in Writing.

I know this is all 'Unromantic' but it is Necessary.

Lol at Balloonslayer

pigletmania · 05/05/2013 11:35

Don't move in this man child, think long and hear about your relationship.

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