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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row with Bf

66 replies

Brightlydoesit · 04/05/2013 12:13

Help. AIBU . Bf stays at mine most weekends and I shop each week usually spending about £60 £70 to feed my son and myself. When bf comes he will usually bring some milk ( he likes different one to me otherwise he'd probably use mine) and sometimes bread. I normally cook a roast one day. Today we went shopping he wanted rolls bacon ect basically I paid around £60 for the shop. He went to put an item in trolley and I wasn't very happy. He snapped " don't worry I'll give you some money" I didn't really comment. Basically it escalated with him saying I made him feel like shit and and that he doesn't pay his way, but he seems to think paying his way is getting a bottle of wine occasionally and some salad bits to go with a meal ( that's only cos he likes different tomatoes to me)

He does some DIY at my house which I am grateful for but as he stays a lot and doesn't contribute to bills ect I think that's fair enough. He doesn't see that I feed him a lot. He practically threw a £20 note at me and shouted I couldn't make him feel much lower. If he moves in he' l be coming to a ready made house everything bought and paid for by me. If it was the other way around and if I didn't have much cash I would be going out of my way to contribute in other ways. And I'd be upset not angry if I thought he thought I was taking advantage.

He was in a mood all the way round the shop because he could feel I was abit miffed but I was still being pleasant to him. I never asked for money but resented the way he was making out I was mean by snapping don't worry I'll give you some money. AIBU

OP posts:
AudrinaAdare · 04/05/2013 12:58

Grin balloonslayer

GoblinGranny · 04/05/2013 13:02

Exactly, Balloonslayer.
But I disagree, it's never too late to give a manipulative and blackmailing wanker a boot up the arse.
OP, you are doing nothing wrong, you are asking nothing unusual or unfair, what you have is an abnormal relationship and the fact that he's a parasite should be a very good reason for you to keep him at arm's length.

Are people so desperate for a partner that they'd accept this kind of treatment just so they don't have to be alone at all?
Just WHY?
(Now you can all see why it is a good thing I've hidden Relationships!)

StuntGirl · 04/05/2013 13:02

Oh god, I read that in a proper David Attenborough voice too! Grin

foslady · 04/05/2013 13:03

ooooh - nightmare manchild! Delay the moving in - permanently........if this is him in 'good at the beginning' move on.

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/05/2013 13:05

Nope Brightly, you are so not wrong.
And that goes for anybody sharing whether it's a BF, a mate or a member of your family.

aPseudonymToFoolHim · 04/05/2013 13:06

^ < adjusts binoculars >

[David Attenborough whisper] " . . . and I see a fine example of Cockus Logerus, the common Cocklodger, often found in urban areas, in his ceaseless search for a comfortable nest where he can be warm and comfortable without any financial outlay. By the time the owner of the nest realises that all she is getting from this arrangement is some sub-standard sex, it is usually too late." ^

Fantasic post, ballonslayer Grin

LibertineLover · 04/05/2013 13:08

Yes balloonslayer genius! I read it in David Attenborough voice too Grin

QuintessentialOHara · 04/05/2013 13:10

Grin Balloonslayer has it spot on.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/05/2013 13:12

If you are foolish enough to move in with him, do it being VERY clear that he will expect you to support him. People don't change when it comes to cash!

He isn't paying his way. That's not fair. And to throw a tantrum when challenged on it shows that he feels that he has a right to be supported by you.

ratspeaker · 04/05/2013 13:14

When you say he does DIY for you, does he actually buy the paint, the wallpaper, the paste, the tools and so on?

btw I live with my adult children, when we go shopping I buy the basics for the house/store cupboard if they want extras they pay for it themselves.This is not something we sat and discussed they do it out of good manners

YummyCalpol · 04/05/2013 13:16

I totally agree you have a cocklodger there!!

It all reminds me of a situation with my ex, when my eldest was a baby. He started staying over a lot and when he was there he would eat his way through the fridge and cupboards, and put his clothes into the laundry bin for me to wash. In the end I grew a bit of a backbone and told him he had to start paying his way. He was very defensive at first, like your boyfriend has been, OP.

Then about a week later he came round and said "I was taking advantage, so why don't we say that I'll give you £10 every couple of weeks, this should cover my share of the food I eat"

Needless to say, I dumped him! But not before I'd let him order himself £200 worth of clothes from my catalogue, which of course he never paid for!

sosooootired · 04/05/2013 13:21

hahaha balloonslayer i laughed so much i've dribbled wine down my tshirt! luckily didn't reach the laptop though. jeez I needed that laugh Grin thanks

GoblinGranny · 04/05/2013 13:25

I'm waiting for the Op to come back.
Will she see what we all do? or will there be a long list of how lovely he is in other ways and so this little foible should be forgiven and it will all work out and how they are planning a wedding for next year and she was just a bit upset at the time...
All that facilitating crap that is used to make an intelligent, sensible woman feel that making him happy is her job.
Come back and tell us that you have either dumped him or you are charging him £3oo a night.

LouiseSmith · 04/05/2013 13:29

Ditch him. He sounds like a man child.

You are his girlfriend not his mother!

Allalonenow · 04/05/2013 13:40

Grin balloonslayer! But oh so true! Yes, I did the voice too.

GoblinGranny · 04/05/2013 13:41

'You are his girlfriend not his mother!'

I think you'll find that those of us with adult children are telling her not to put up with his behaviour.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/05/2013 13:51

He should have offered to pay for ALL the shop. He's at yours regularly...using your power, your food etc. Even if you didn't accept that he should be offering.

EarlyInTheMorning · 04/05/2013 13:52

So let's me guess, he's living with mum and dad at the moment and probably thinks that moving in with you is doing YOU a favour, you know, with you being a single mum and all that.

I bet he'll be the type to say that any expenses related to your son should be covered exclusiveness by you, even once you're all sharing the same roof as a family.

You don't have to go through with this you know?

kotinka · 04/05/2013 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 04/05/2013 13:55

Oh dear..... I wouldn't be racing to move him in......

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2013 14:05

"He has a way of making me feel awful by saying I've made him feel so low "
This is completely deliberate on his part - a tactic he is deploying. And often, by the sound of it, so doesn't even have the 'excuse' of being due to a one-off bad mood. Just a very good example of 'attack is the best form of defence', because he doesn't have any other defence for his pathetic freeloading. The only thing he can do is manipulate you to not raise it, by making you feel bad if you do. Do you really want to move a manipulative freeloader into your home? I do hope not.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 04/05/2013 14:06

He does some DIY at my house which I am grateful for but as he stays a lot and doesn't contribute to bills ect I think that's fair enough.

I think, tbf, you should give him a chance to explain exactly the terms in which he sees your domestic arrangements. He may be thinking his labour (which as you say would be expensive if you had to get someone in to do a small job at the going rate) is a fair exchange for a weekend of food etc.

Until you ask him, you don't know. You need a proper grown up discussion, but if he tantrums about it I think you have your answer.

Doubtfuldaphne · 04/05/2013 14:11

He should be wanting to show he's responsible and able to take care of himself and you and your ds - not expect you to look after him financially. I had exactly same problem when my ds was a baby and it got worse and worse and worse
He would expect me To provide for him too yet he paid his parents a few hundred a week as they were skint. I was having to take out credit cards and rely on my mum to help me pay for food. I was financially and emotionally abused and it took me years to finish it with him.
If this is his attitude now I would be very brave and I've give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't change his ways then its the end. He needs to grow up.

Sallyingforth · 04/05/2013 15:46

This sort of thread just baffles me. I cannot understand why apparently intelligent, sensible women can put up with such shit treatment.
It's no good telling the guy that he ought to pay up - the very fact that he starts off by expecting not to pay demonstrates that he's not partner material. He's selfish by nature and will always expect to be taking advantage in one way or another.

ilovesooty · 04/05/2013 15:53

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