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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH re us using a male babysitter?

115 replies

Carikube · 30/04/2013 12:06

Background is that we have no family nearby so are on the lookout for babysitters that we can use occasionally. I mentioned this at a playgroup that I take DD2 to and one of the dads there said that he would be willing to do it if we would return the favour.

I told DH this when he got home and he has categorically stated that he is not having a man babysit the DDs. I think he's being ridiculous but he won't budge. It's not a question of him not liking the idea of using someone he's never met as where we used to live I was a member of a babysitting circle and he had never met some of the other women that were members but was happy to accept the fact that I had met them.

DH canvassed opinion amongst some other dads when he went out the other night and they apparently said that they could see both sides of the argument and that neither of us are BU as they realise it is a bit sexist but that they would be a bit uncomfortable with it as well.

So I told DH I would put it to the MN jury and see what the result was...

OP posts:
ICBINEG · 30/04/2013 12:07

horribly sexist. HIBVU

CajaDeLaMemoria · 30/04/2013 12:08

Is he uncomfortable with using someone that neither of you know very well?

Your middle paragraph says he doesn't mind using someone that you know but he doesn't, and has done this in the past: but do you know the man at playgroup well, or is he just a casual acquaintance?

Or is his reservations simply because the babysitter is male?

NotDead · 30/04/2013 12:09

Its very dangerous having a male babysitter.

KatAndKit · 30/04/2013 12:09

He is being unreasonable and sexist. How would he like if people assumed he was a child abuser just because he has a penis?

MelanieCheeks · 30/04/2013 12:09

My best friend's brother was my "nanny" for a while. It got very difficult coming up with acceptable terms - nanny, mums-n-tots (I think that become People'n'tots....), but other than that, it worked well. He went on to become a primary school teacher.

What ages are DDs?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/04/2013 12:10

He is being ridiculous. I bet if he offered to babysit and was told that he wasn't suitable because of his gender he would be pissed off.

mistlethrush · 30/04/2013 12:10

We were members of a babysitting circle for a bit - DH went to do the babysitting - but we did check that they were OK with this before he went.

Isn't it sad that 'men' are viewed like this, particularly when that view is coming from another man. Has your DH thought about what this says or implies about him?

NotDead · 30/04/2013 12:10

Your child might be forced into playing army games, learning knot-craft, kicking balls, and all manner of physical survival things that women just wouldn't do.

I wouldn't be surprised if a few weeks in your child will be expected to take an engine apart, or be forced to play Lego Technics or meccano or something. Hmm

Scholes34 · 30/04/2013 12:11

I wouldn't have a problem with the babysitter being male. It's more important that I feel comfortable with the babysitter, regardless of the sex or age. DH has babysat in the past for friends in a babysitting circle.

worldgonecrazy · 30/04/2013 12:12

On the grounds that he is statistically more likely to abuse his daughters than a stranger, perhaps you should suggest it is not safe to leave him alone with them?

On the other hand, I can understand how the media-hysteria has made even sensible people unsettled about leaving their children with "strange men".

ICBINEG · 30/04/2013 12:12

notdead phew - you had me going for a moment their...

From our point of view not knowing anyone involved the most likely person to abuse your DD's is you DH.

So much for statistics huh?

tomorowisanotherday · 30/04/2013 12:13

then look for a child minder, who has a t least been vetted!

DeepRedBetty · 30/04/2013 12:13

Ask him how he'd feel if he was turned down for a job because he was male.

mrsjay · 30/04/2013 12:16

so al men are paedophilles then sorry to be so harsh but that is what your husband is saying, this dad has offered and I think it is a lovely gesture your husband is being weird imo

StatisticallyChallenged · 30/04/2013 12:16

so depressing...my dh has just registered as a childminder and I get the feeling we are going to see a lot of prejudice though

Kaluki · 30/04/2013 12:16

My DS was terrified of men when he was a toddler. He was fine with family members but if a man he didn't know went near him he would freak out.

I think its important that he meets your DDs before babysitting them so if they wake up they will know who he is but I wouldn't rule him out purely because he's a man on your DH's say so, unless either of your DDs is likely to be unhappy.

freddiemisagreatshag · 30/04/2013 12:17

Oh for goodness sake.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/04/2013 12:17

Yabu. Not because the potential babysitter is male but because you do not know him from Adam, he is not registered or CRB checked.

Babysitters should only be used through an agency or family or close friends. Don't go around asking Dads OR Mums from playgroup! He could be anyone.

XiCi · 30/04/2013 12:19

Its a difficult one. I would have no problem leaving dd with a babysitter male or female that I knew well and trusted. There is no way I would leave her with someone I knew very little of from a playgroup. How well do you know this man?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/04/2013 12:22

How would he feel if someone acted like that about him?

Would he shrug and say oh well, yes, I have a penis therefore it is entirely reasonable that people should think I may be a risk to their children.

LimitedEditionLady · 30/04/2013 12:23

I would only allow a male that i really knew...but also a woman i really knew.if i dont know someone very well i wouldnt leave my child with them,you dont know their beliefs,demeanor etc.but if you know the guy whats it matter?

Original poster
Carikube · 30/04/2013 12:23

I probably know this man better than some of the women who came to babysit from the babysitting circle that I was a member of in our old town so it is not an issue of how well we know them. Also DD2 has met him several times at playgroup.

I've asked DH how he would feel if someone said he couldn't babysit and he said he would never put himself in that position. I think he's been put off by his friend and DW where they were both members of a circle but the one time the friend turned up to babysit instead of the DW, he got sent away again.

It's odd as he is not remotely sexist normally - we have 2 DDs (4 & 2) and he has always been v clear about how they should be able to do anything with their lives and not be restricted by their gender. He was also v keen when looking round primary schools to see whether there were any male teachers so that there would be a good balance of role models. It is literally just on the babysitting point that it is a problem.

OP posts:
CelticPixie · 30/04/2013 12:24

Your DH sounds like a tool, no offence.

I'm a nursery nurse and at the last nursery I worked at before having eldest DD there was a young male nursery nurse and he was absolutely brilliant with the kids, who all adored him. This idea that all men are potential peado's is fucking stupid and very dangerous.

LEMisdisappointed · 30/04/2013 12:24

"Yabu. Not because the potential babysitter is male but because you do not know him from Adam, he is not registered or CRB checked.

Babysitters should only be used through an agency or family or close friends. Don't go around asking Dads OR Mums from playgroup! He could be anyone."

^^This, really

It doesn't matter that he is a dad or a mum - i wouldn't do it. I have never understood the whole babysitting circle thing either - i remember i was asked to join one, i politely declined said, are you fucking mad

LEMisdisappointed · 30/04/2013 12:26

Why not pay for a registered childminder?

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