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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is DH re us using a male babysitter?

115 replies

Carikube · 30/04/2013 12:06

Background is that we have no family nearby so are on the lookout for babysitters that we can use occasionally. I mentioned this at a playgroup that I take DD2 to and one of the dads there said that he would be willing to do it if we would return the favour.

I told DH this when he got home and he has categorically stated that he is not having a man babysit the DDs. I think he's being ridiculous but he won't budge. It's not a question of him not liking the idea of using someone he's never met as where we used to live I was a member of a babysitting circle and he had never met some of the other women that were members but was happy to accept the fact that I had met them.

DH canvassed opinion amongst some other dads when he went out the other night and they apparently said that they could see both sides of the argument and that neither of us are BU as they realise it is a bit sexist but that they would be a bit uncomfortable with it as well.

So I told DH I would put it to the MN jury and see what the result was...

OP posts:

Myliferocks · 30/04/2013 18:57

CRB checks are only as good as the paper they are written on if the person has actually been caught doing something criminal.

They don't offer some magical protection from bad people.

exoticfruits · 30/04/2013 18:59

You have to use your judgement. CRB checks give a false sense of security.

Jengnr · 30/04/2013 18:59

He's being an arse.

As for that 'I wouldn't put myself in that position', is that because he thinks men who do 'women's work' are wrong 'uns?

That just makes him a gobshite.

MyTushTingles · 30/04/2013 19:03

I wouldn't, but I was abused as a child by a male family 'friend' who was supposed to be caring for us so I admit I am totally biased.

You shouldn't leave your DCs with anyone you don't know and trust. Random strangers you have met at a baby group once or twice won't cut it.

Theala · 30/04/2013 19:28

I'm rather fascinated by this idea that so many of ou seem to have about not leaving your children with someone you don't know well.
As if, if you know somone well, you will suddenly clock that they are a paedophile? Because surely after twenty years they would have mentioned it if they were?
Umm, no.
If your children were not abused by a paedophile, its because they were lucky not to have encountered a paedophile; it's not (in general) because of something you may or may not have done.

Justforlaughs · 30/04/2013 19:35

I wonder whether he feels that it should be him who returns the favour and doesn't want to babysit for children that he has never met.
While I don't think having a babysitter who is male should be an issue, I have to admit that I wouldn't consider the idea of asking anyone that I had only met a few times at a toddler group.

zxcv123 · 30/04/2013 20:22

I've used the same male babysitter for the past 8 years. He works at the nursery my DCs went to when they were tiny, so is a trained nursey nurse, has a CRB, is brilliant with children and is totally reliable in a crisis. He does different things with the DCs than most female babysitters would and is a brilliant male role model for them.

I definitely, definitely wouldn't leave my DCs with someone I barely know though, be they male or female.

jollygoose · 30/04/2013 22:32

hen my dc were small a young male colleague who lived locally and was much liked by my dh and myself offered to babysit as he knew we were attending a wedding. I declined as my dm had offered and thank goodness I did as a few weeks later he wasarrested for taking indecent photos of other young children.
Of course most men can be trusted but unless you can be absolutely sure...

cheesesarnie · 30/04/2013 22:37

has he said why? or have i missed that bit?

ds2 used to go to a fab cm, man and wife both cm's plus their son, also a cm. son used to babysit lots. all my dc adored him!

theoriginalandbestrookie · 30/04/2013 22:39

DH is the same - doesn't like male babysitters. I'm part of a babysitting circle and DH doesn't like it when sometimes it is my friends DH that comes rather than her, even though we are good friends and he knows him well.
Not sure why he is like that, but there we go.

olgaga · 30/04/2013 22:41

I wouldn't use anyone who wasn't registered with an agency or studying childcare at a local college.

Certainly not when they are that young.

MammaTJ · 30/04/2013 22:41

I had this issue with my ex. I got my friends younger brother to babysit our DD, so I could have a bit of a social life once he had fucked off with the troll thing.

He kicked off and said I should not use a teenage boy to babysit our 9 year old DD. I had known him for years and absolutely trusted him. I told my ExH where to go on that one, he lost the right to make thsoe decisions when he became a cheat.

You however, have to parent with your DH and make the decision together. There has to be compromise all the way in a marriage and bringing up children. You don't agree with him, I don't agree with him but you may just have to give in.

WellJustCallHimDave · 30/04/2013 22:42

It's not your husband who's the biggest problem here - it's you for suggesting that you leave your two young children with someone you barely know in the first place!

I don't care if the babysitter is male, female or a hermaphrodite hippopotamus. Their gender is irrelevant. If I don't know them well there's no way they'd be caring for my children.

olgaga · 30/04/2013 22:43

BTW when I did need babysitters I contacted the local college and they were happy to help - the head of the course even came round for a cup of coffee with me and DD who was about 2.5 at the time.

We found two lovely young women that way.

To be honest, I never ever offered to babysit anyone's children, and I would frankly be suspicious about a man offering!

5madthings · 30/04/2013 22:48

We use a male babysitter, he is a friend from uni and is essentially an 'uncle' to our children.

Gender is irrelevant, you either trust someone to care for your children or you don't.

5madthings · 30/04/2013 22:49

You would be suspicious about a man offering to babysit, how sad.

StatisticallyChallenged · 30/04/2013 22:53

Love how you have bolded women olgaga - you do know that the absence of a penis doesn't instantly make them a better person.

stella1w · 30/04/2013 22:57

I don't have anything against male babysitters per se...had one last night but i would be very wary of a man who offered to babysit. Most men don't gravitate towards looking after young children. Sadly paedophiles will take any chance they can get to be around children.

sweetestcup · 30/04/2013 23:07

olga Why would you be suspicious about a man offering to babysit? I'm really struggling to control my anger now at some of the sexist shite posted here. Any particular reason you bolded the word women is there?

5madthings · 30/04/2013 23:09

Oh fgs what crap, any man who offers to babysit must be a paedophile...

Our male babysitter also babysits for a friends three children, a boy and toddler girls (twins) and yes huge has offered to babysit as he is a friend and knows dp and I need a break. He has also changed nappies and bathed our children, puts them to bed etc.

sweetestcup · 30/04/2013 23:10

Stella its people with views like yours that stopped my DH registering as a childminder for ages before he did. I will let him know then that hes odd because he has "gravitated towards looking after young children". Either that or a paedophile.

5madthings · 30/04/2013 23:14

My dp works in a children's home....he is obviously a paedophile as he gravitated towards working with children, never mind that he is bloody good at it, he can't just be a normal nice bloke because he chose to work with children...

sweetestcup · 30/04/2013 23:16

Very sad isnt it madthings? Sad that some people can have such a negative opinion about half the population of the world.

Is it in womens genes then to "gravitate" to child care careers I wonder compared to men.

StatisticallyChallenged · 30/04/2013 23:18

I'm also getting angry tbh sweetestcup/5madthings. I'm also starting to wonder if I have done DH a disservice by encouraging him to try and become a childminder.

Since we had our DD (and since our friends started having children too) it has become blatantly obvious that he is incredibly good with children. They gravitate to him, and he's one of those people who just naturally entertains them. It's hard to explain - do you ever see someone and just think "wow, they are great with kids?" Well, in our family that someone is a man.

He contemplated going in to teaching (primary) but in all honesty isn't sure if he wants to so the sheer amount of slog to get there, and there is massive unemployment in NQTs around here. I suggested childminding - he really liked the idea but was worried people wouldn't be comfortable leaving their child with a man, would assume he was weird/a paedo etc etc. I told him not to be daft, to try and do something he was good at, that it's the 21st century...

Who was I kidding?

5madthings · 30/04/2013 23:18

Very sad yes :(

Can't understand why people think males who want to work with children must have an ulterior motive, all this female teachers, and the ones that runs sports clubs etc, they cant possibly be doing it because they like it and are good at it...

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