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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH re us using a male babysitter?

115 replies

Carikube · 30/04/2013 12:06

Background is that we have no family nearby so are on the lookout for babysitters that we can use occasionally. I mentioned this at a playgroup that I take DD2 to and one of the dads there said that he would be willing to do it if we would return the favour.

I told DH this when he got home and he has categorically stated that he is not having a man babysit the DDs. I think he's being ridiculous but he won't budge. It's not a question of him not liking the idea of using someone he's never met as where we used to live I was a member of a babysitting circle and he had never met some of the other women that were members but was happy to accept the fact that I had met them.

DH canvassed opinion amongst some other dads when he went out the other night and they apparently said that they could see both sides of the argument and that neither of us are BU as they realise it is a bit sexist but that they would be a bit uncomfortable with it as well.

So I told DH I would put it to the MN jury and see what the result was...

OP posts:
elfycat · 30/04/2013 13:00

I have an 18 year old male babysit my daughters (4 and 2.5yo). He is the son of a friend and I've known him since he was 10. I'm hoping his younger brother will want to take over if he goes to uni or stop.

I know our babyitter has done nappies occasionally and was appropriately terrified and disgusted DD2 does 'poo-of-doom's and mentioned that he'll be damn careful with contraception with his girlfriend. (This may be part of the encouragement his parents have for his job). If I had a moment of doubt about my DDs' safety or virtue (and this is what we're talking about) we'd obviouly stop, and report it to authorities.

He's terrific, especially as DD1 will be up late if he has a nap in the day. He's going through our Disney Pixar etc collection with enthusiasm. I think they were playing her ukelele (he plays guitar) last night.

zipzap · 30/04/2013 13:01

Do you think he is worried that he will be expected to go and babysit in return rather than you - and that this is something he. does. not. want. to. do.

ever.
ever ever.

Rockinhippy · 30/04/2013 14:05

Sounds horribly sexist BUT is there perhaps more to his attitude ??

I ask as I had exactly the same problem over once considering our friends teen DS to babysit out DD - he was adamant there was no way in hell was he letting a teenage boy look after her alone.

He eventually owned up that as a boy himself, both he & his DSIS were abused by a young male babysitter & he doesn't believe a teenage boy is enough in control of his hormones to take that risk with DD - he also went on to say, that he was once a teenage boy himself & as I wasn't, there's no way I could be expected to understand.

I took his word for it & backed down

freddiemisagreatshag · 30/04/2013 14:07

I have left my older DSs in charge of my DDs on innumerable occasions. And they have baby sat for friends. Often. In fact, one DS is the baby sitter of choice for a friend when he's home from uni because her DD loves him so much she's going to marry him when she grows up (she's 5)

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/04/2013 14:13

Meeting someone's wife a few times is not a good way of ascertaining their true character. Neither is socialising once a week over coffee and trikes.

I don't leave my DC with ANYONE that I couldn't call at 3.00am in a crisis...this means friends of many years' standing and relatives.

Yes this leaves us with only about five people to call on for babysitting duties but if you ask me a night out isn't worth the risk.

Children are more or less defenseless until the age of about 12 and even then they're weak as hell when faced with a wrong'un.

fishybits · 30/04/2013 14:13

Our regular babysitter is male. It has never occurred to me that his gender might be an issue.

It's very Sad the way some minds work.

Rockinhippy · 30/04/2013 14:14

I should add, I don't think YABU at all, but maybe there's more to your DHs reasoning, bar our gay friends & his best mate who DH knows inside out & happily trusts with DD, DH absolutely won't budge, but at least now I understand why, so I accept it as okay

Iggi101 · 30/04/2013 14:15

Elfycat I think "virtue" in this context is an old-fashioned term and quite offensive. Children do not become any less virtuous by reason of having been abused.

NicholasTeakozy · 30/04/2013 14:25

One of my first ever jobs was at a nursery. It was only ever men that questioned my presence there, but after a few days they all, without exception, agreed that the children were better off for there being a man, even one in his late teens, as a member of staff.

TBH, it is men like your husband who discourage other men from working with children, and I think that's pretty sad.

chrome100 · 30/04/2013 14:28

By the way, and as an aside, I really dislike this notion that men do all the fun, physical stuff as carers whilst women sit around and do craft. I used to be a nanny and was always playing rough and tumble. I think it's an insulting throw back to suggest otherwise.

RunRabbit · 30/04/2013 16:25

Your H is BU.

What's his problem? Is babysitting beneath a man or are all men potential pedophiles? Hmm

exoticfruits · 30/04/2013 16:32

Babysitters should only be used through an agency or family or close friends. Don't go around asking Dads OR Mums from playgroup! He could be anyone.

Rubbish!
I always belonged to babysitting circles -they were neighbours and we took turns in having the book.
My DS also used to babysit as a teenager-it is highly unfair if a 17yr old girl can sit but a 17yr old boy in dangerous. The people using him knew our family-they were friends but not |close friends.
People complain that women get the childcare and men don't and it is hardly surprising when people are immediately suspicious.

Iggi101 · 30/04/2013 16:32

Everyone (male and female) is a potential paedophile, surely! (And murderer etc). We all have the "potential".

Iggi101 · 30/04/2013 16:35

That was to runrabbit

I suppose more important is raising children (if old enough) who feel able to tell what makes them uncomfortable and know to tell you about it - ie won't be convinced to keep a secret. Then they will talk to you about inappropriate behaviour from anyone, babysitter, friend or relative.

AgentProvocateur · 30/04/2013 16:36

I'm really shocked and saddened by this thread and the amount if Neanderthal men that there are in the 21st century.

elfycat · 30/04/2013 16:39

Iggi I used virtue deliberately and in its old fashioned sense which means virginity. Sorry if you were reading a different meaning from the dictionary - I was using point 1 in mine if that helps.

Of course I don't think my daughters would be worth any less if they were abused - point 3 in my dictionary BTW.

Iggi101 · 30/04/2013 16:50

I would get a new dictionary. Even in the century when virtue might have been commonly used to refer to virginity, it was always a reference to the woman's 'purity' or 'chastity' rather than biological virginity - that's why a word referring to morality was used in the first place. And not usually applied to men of course.
So I don't like it and doubt that those who have experienced abuse would particularly either.

BlingLoving · 30/04/2013 16:57

Oh this is ridiculous. Tell him to get over it. It would be better than this guy's wife as your DC actually know him, not her.

Sheesh. DH is a SAHD, and I have no doubt that any of our extended group would be quite happy to have him babysit.

elfycat · 30/04/2013 16:58

Feel free to be offended. You clearly want to be.

No offense was meant.

But go ahead.

Iggi101 · 30/04/2013 17:25

Elfy you're just being silly now. I point out a word is not appropriate in this context (as I would personally like to be told myself) and you spout dictionary definitions at me - you can't expect me not to reply! It never crossed my mind that you meant any offence, sorry if that wasn't clear.

thebody · 30/04/2013 17:29

I would never use anyone I didn't know really well to babysit. Male or female.

My older lads babysat for friends as teens as the friends and children knew them well.

Original poster
Carikube · 30/04/2013 17:34

Right I have told DH that he has been voted as BU (and to answer anyfucker, he is actually keen for the girls to have a male primary teacher etc as he thinks it is good for them to see both males and females in roles like that, just like he is happy to encourage DD2 in her 'boyish' pursuits) but that we are both awful for not insisting that everyone allowed to enter in to our house has a CRB check.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2013 17:37

then why can't he be keen for a male babysitter ?

or is babysitting "beneath" men where a professional career like a teacher is not ?

StuntGirl · 30/04/2013 17:44

Your husband is right. All men are paedos and must be kept away from children at all costs. Thank goodness he was there to stop this atrocity from happening!

TiggyD · 30/04/2013 18:48

When I was younger I never got asked to babysit. The girls in the nursery did it regularly for the parents of the nursery, but nobody ever thought of asking me. I did feel a little put out by it.