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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 12 hours is just too long..

71 replies

thedancingboro · 06/04/2013 23:52

MIL comes to visit, and stays just too long. Today (and it has been this long before) she stayed 12 hours. I feel absolutely exhausted. I was up at 7am with my 2 year old, went to the supermarket, got home at 10.20 thinking I had 40 mins before MIL arrived - she turns up half an hour early. The day is always full on - she wants all attention on her talking. We had lunch at ours, went for a long walk, then home - where I had my first break which was going to cook dinner!!! I give lots of hints.. This evening I asked DP if the hot water was on as I want to have a bath.. Also said I want to get DS settled early tonight as we have a long day tomorrow (DS is never comfortable to go to bed when people are in the flat -- possibly the noise - we live in a tiny 1 bed and the wall between sitting room and bedroom is paper thin). STILL she doesnt leave until past 10pm.. DS is still awake.

THEN when we are walking her to the station - she doesnt want to go to the nearest one - she fancies a walk so wants to walk to one a mile away. We have to walk back from there. DS sleeps in the pram.

And now - I am up not wanting to go to bed as I have had no mumsnet me time.

OP posts:

pictish · 06/04/2013 23:56

What does dh say about it?

pictish · 06/04/2013 23:56

oh and yanbu. 12 hours is a long time. How far away does she live?

TidyDancer · 06/04/2013 23:58

Is she lonely?

I agree it's difficult but she may feel in need of company.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 06/04/2013 23:59

Couldn't you have stayed at home and let dh take her to the station on his own?

That is a bloody long visit though!

MsVestibule · 06/04/2013 23:59

YANBU, but have been a bit wet WRT to walking her to a further station than necessary! A firm "No, it's been a long day (hint hint) we'd rather walk you to the nearest one" should suffice. Also, why did all three of you all have to walk her to the station? Couldn't your DH have done that by himself?

CandlestickOlder · 07/04/2013 00:02

I agree she might be lonely. Could you relax a bit more around her? Just take a seat, let her play with DS, have a glass of wine (and maybe a few Valium ) and get a takeaway?

Also don't understand why you needed to go to the station too

VelvetSpoon · 07/04/2013 00:05

I think YABU - how often does she visit? If only once a month or something, it's only the equivalent of seeing her for a couple of hours every week.

Original poster

thedancingboro · 07/04/2013 00:05

DS says its because she has a long way to travel (lives an hour away by public transport)..

We walk to my mums - it takes 45 mins with DS in pram (if he wants to walk, obviously it takes longer).. Yet we only stay at my mums for a few hours, for lunch, or for dinner, or just pop in for a tea.

He also says that she doesnt see us often and thats why she wants to stay a long time. Well - she USED to see us once a week.. But because of her wanting these long hours, we now are seeing her less. When we used to visit her - she would keep us at the house by not starting to cook dinner till 8pm - we would end up getting the last train home -- I didnt mind this in the past when it was just me and DP - now with DS its just not fair on him (nor on me who has to deal with a little boy who wont eat when he gets over hungry and tired!!!)..

OP posts:

pictish · 07/04/2013 00:08

I agree that 12 hours is FAR too long.
I visit friends an hour away...for three hours max. 12 hours is too much!

It would do my head right in.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/04/2013 00:10

She sounds lonely.

Can you suggest she has some special one to one time with your DS, whilst you go shopping or sit in a cafe with a newspaper or something?

Original poster

thedancingboro · 07/04/2013 00:13

I have in the past let DP walk her to the station by himself, but she sees it as a big issue and that some how I am angry at her for not going. She is really oversensitive about things - you cant disagree with something she says as she gets SUPER defensive.

I said at the house that I wanted to only walk to the near station as its cold (I really feel the cold - have been through cancer treatment which has left me really sensitive to the cold). She said thats fine - but when we got there - said lets walk to the next station up - she fancies the walk. Its just not worth saying no to her once she has said something. It always ends up with problems. We have had problems in the past where I have disagreed with her (she seems to like people that arse lick!! I just now dont bother to disagree with anything she says, and just listen to her stories and smile politely)

OP posts:

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/04/2013 00:16

Your DH needs to help out here. If you've just been through cancer treatment he should be saying "No, Dancingboro stays here in the house with DS, I'll walk you to the station".

I think I'd be talking to him about how this is just too much.

thezebrawearspurple · 07/04/2013 00:17

I agree with other posters that she is probably lonely but no wonder!!! 12 hours, sounds like torture. Visit her in future, tell her what time you will be there and how soon you will have to leave, then leave on your own time!

pictish · 07/04/2013 00:18

I agree. This is your dh's mum, so you should speak to him about it, and see what he thinks is the next move.
It would drive me bonkers. I'd rather little and often than be lumbered with someone...anyone...for regular 12 hour long visitations.

Original poster

thedancingboro · 07/04/2013 00:19

She may be lonely - but she goes to a college 3 times a week.. And sees friends from the college (its like a school for the older generation!)..

She isnt really very good with DS. She just wants to talk - he wants to play.. She will give him attention for a minute - then tell him that she is talking now so to play by himself. DP engrosses himself with DS - he has a weird relationship with her.. Doesnt really talk to her.. My family always ate meals at the table together - their family (although having a lovely large dining table) would take their dinner to their rooms...

She is very much interested in her own stories.

Recently she had an MRI and I called her to see how it went (as I knew DP wouldnt!)..

A few days later, I also had a scan, and although not yet bad news - there is something that needs to be investigated. She knew I was having the scan, never phoned to ask how it went, or emailed, or even asked when we have seen her. That was 2 weeks ago..

Im not saying this to bitch - but to give you an idea of how she is just a bit more involved in her own life than others.

OP posts:

Original poster

thedancingboro · 07/04/2013 00:25

We see her every 2 / 3 weeks now.

My mum has invited her for dinner a few times (MIL then comes back to ours till 10pm)..

But I am dreading the next visit.

I have tried saying that we need to be home at a certain time because of DS - she seems not bothered at all and just does as she does. We cant really leave while she is cooking dinner!! She wouldnt be happy.

One day when we went to see her - I said we couldnt stay for dinner as we had to get home before 8pm to do a favour for our playgroup. She was acting like I was lying. She then CAME WITH US - and didnt leave our place till gone 10pm.

I have spoken to DP he just doesnt want to address it. Makes excuses saying we see her less than my mum so she wants to see us for longer.. I say we USED to see her more - but its getting less as I am dreading her next visit..

OP posts:

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/04/2013 00:25

Hmm. Yes I think I know what you mean by odd relationships....

But he still needs to stand up and back you up, surely he can do that, regardless of how hard they find it to talk. I't's not your job to be some kind of go between.

I hope your tests all go well.

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 07/04/2013 00:27

Oh for the love of rice crackers!

You cannot keep saying 'It's not worth arguing with her' - she could be around for DECADES yet, of course it's 'worth' arguing with her! If she gets in a huff, she gets in a huff - HER problem.

You say 'Night Doris, it's been lovely seeing you but I'm off for a bath now then straight to bed, I need my sleep when I have DS up early' :)

If she leaves earlier and you don't want to walk to the station, then don't. If she doesn't like it - tough.

Get firm with DS too - he's going to have to get used to doing as he's told not as he pleases and he's going to need to learn to settle when you have people there.

Finally - take your DH to task, he should not be allowing his mother to guilt trip you into doing things you don't want to do. Tell him to manup.

I'm really sorry to hear that you had cancer - you are one of the 'lucky' ones, you are here to appreciate how valuable life is, don't waste it pandering to people like your MIL who just need reminding that actually, it's not all about what they want. Be strong!

MsVestibule · 07/04/2013 00:29

Its just not worth saying no to her once she has said something. It is. It really is. So what if she gets huffy with you? People carry on manipulating others to get what they want because they get away with it. It is utterly ridiculous for her to expect you to take your young son out in the cold at this time of night.

Continue to 'listen to her stories and smile politely', but when something has a detrimental effect on you or your family, please, please stand up for yourself. It will take practice, but I'm finally learning that it's worth doing.

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 07/04/2013 00:30

Tell your DP you don't give a shiney shit whether he wants to address it or not! Tell him that he does, or you will. FGS - she might be his mother, but she wont fucking evaporate if you tell her NO or tell her you are leaving her house at 8pm (or whatever) and DO it. Stop letting one woman control the three of you.

Original poster

thedancingboro · 07/04/2013 00:37

No - it really isnt worth it. It escalates into MADNESS. She has a terrible relationship with her daughter. Constantly bitching - and bringing up things that happened when she was a teenager. She wont let go of anything. There are so many huge family rows. I was much more sensitive to her when I was pregnant - I couldnt let things go over my head so much. There were problems that lasted ages. It got too much for me - and DP says "shes getting old - just keep the peace". I cant get involved with the drama - so I have to just try and keep the peace as I end up getting stressed over petty crap that she has SO much energy for..

Though I think I am just going to have to not let her invite herself so early (and then turn up early) and put up with the late nights.

2 of DPs cousins dont talk to me or him because of the problems she has created when we have stood up to her. Nightmare.

Anyway, thanks for the support all - I am going to go to bed now - have a splitting headache - but was good to get it off my chest!!

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 07/04/2013 00:41

You have my sympathies op, having a mil like this myself, although mine is also toxic.
Yanbu, unless sheduled/invited to stay all day long, she shouldn't be bombarding you with her presence from dawn to dusk.

You, your dh & your dc are a family unit, and her being with you all this time isn't allowing for that!
What if you wanted a lie in or an afternoon shag, you cant do that with mil constantly at your home.
Also the walking her to the next station is fucking well rude of her, considering it was 10pm

Your dh needs to stand up to her. It may feel like she is the problem, (she is) but your dh is allowing her behaviour.
I have been through similar and worse and in the end, i realised dh was causing most of mils behaviour by allowing it
It took me a while, but in the end he came through. Although me & pil are now nc due to worse behaviors.

Tell dh to let her down gently next time she pops in, and be ready to shove your coat on and pretend your off out if she turns up

thezebrawearspurple · 07/04/2013 00:57

Well, let her strop and when she does have nothing to do with her. Ignore her until she calms down and tries to get back into your life, if she creates more drama, cut her out completely. It's not worth wasting your life indulging toxic time wasters. It doesn't matter what she or your dh's cousins think and by the sounds of it theres no benefit from them talking to you so who cares? Nobody can control your life or your time except you, take control.

thermalsinapril · 07/04/2013 01:08

There's no point dropping hints. I hate hints, don't always notice or understand them, and would rather just be told something directly.

Just tell her the time you'll need to set off to the station. Do this when she first arrives (how lovely to see you. Let's go for the 4.30pm train today from X station (your nearest!). We'll need to set off at 4pm. Then refer to it a few times through the day. Don't feel obliged to give any reason for your choice of time. When it's 4pm, stand up and smile, say "It has been great to see you today. Here's your coat! Off we go then" and pretend you haven't heard any protests. Hold the door open and away you go to the station

thermalsinapril · 07/04/2013 01:09

Oh and lead up to it with something "Great! We've just got time for a cup of tea before we'll need to be going".

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