to think 12 hours is just too long..

[thedancingboro]

MIL comes to visit, and stays just too long. Today (and it has been this long before) she stayed 12 hours. I feel absolutely exhausted. I was up at 7am with my 2 year old, went to the supermarket, got home at 10.20 thinking I had 40 mins before MIL arrived - she turns up half an hour early. The day is always full on - she wants all attention on her talking. We had lunch at ours, went for a long walk, then home - where I had my first break which was going to cook dinner!!! I give lots of hints.. This evening I asked DP if the hot water was on as I want to have a bath.. Also said I want to get DS settled early tonight as we have a long day tomorrow (DS is never comfortable to go to bed when people are in the flat -- possibly the noise - we live in a tiny 1 bed and the wall between sitting room and bedroom is paper thin). STILL she doesnt leave until past 10pm.. DS is still awake.

THEN when we are walking her to the station - she doesnt want to go to the nearest one - she fancies a walk so wants to walk to one a mile away. We have to walk back from there. DS sleeps in the pram.

And now - I am up not wanting to go to bed as I have had no mumsnet me time.

how old is ds? if he is still in a pushchair then really he needs to be going to be no later than 8 (and that is being generous tbh) so i would be wanting to start his bedtime routine at 7 which would mean granny would have to be gone by then with either all of you having walked her to teh station and be back by then or dh taking her at 7 while you started bath/bed stuff.

i would be telling her that from now on ds needs to be in bed and that is his routine, he gets groggy when he's kept awake and it isn't fair etc. tell her in a way that makes it clear it isn't a request, she will be leaving by 7pm in future.

also, when you are inviting her over. invite her for the evening meal. so if you call that dinner then tell her to come for dinner. 'any time after 4 is fine' and dont be in during the early afternoon. make plans or even just go out to feed the ducks.

OP Have you looked at the Narc threads on here? MiL sounds like might fit the bill... Might help if you saw through the act to the Narc (ditto DH might benefit from that too in terms of laying some bloody boundaries down) as if/once you see she fits that 'bill', will make dealing with her a WHOLE heap easier

Gosh,it's hard for you op!
1st thing hope your health ok,and results come through ok for you
Frankly you've got a wee one,health worries your dp needs to sort this out

I do agree with that, Stoic! OP, I bet I can see why DH's family did that most peculiar meals-in-rooms thing. It was the only way to eat in peace without The Mother boring extra holes in everyone's ears

I hope your health issues turn out to be short-term and easily manageable. Do take care of yourself.

Sounds tough OP and I hope you are ok health wise. :)

Sorry to say if your DP won't then you'll have to man up for all 3 of you. If she gets upset/sensitive, better rip that plaster off now before it goes on any longer as should have been nipped in the bud by your DP long ago.

• not fair on DS
• not fair on you
• actually long term won't work out well for MIL as you'll avoid her

You need to brace yourself and be prepared for what she's likely to do ie. walking to next station; we're all tired, long day so we'll drop you here. End of. I need to get DS to bed now so think we should be calling it a day. DP can you walk MIL to station and I'll do bedtime, lovely to see you. Bye. If she tries to keep you at her house by not cooking dinner, just go. We need to be back by x so sorry we'll have to miss dinner if it's late etc.

She'll get the message.

Good luck

I think in your shoes, I would make a conscious decision to change things. It will be a lot easier to 'defy' your MIL if you put your foot down in regards to what is best for DS. No discussion, no argument, just "I'm going to do THIS now" with a cheerful smile on your face.
If you take control of the small things (e.g DSs routine) the bigger problems will not seem so bad.

1. If she is coming round at 11am, go out until eleven
2. If it is Ds bedtime, tell them to keep it down in the sitting room and put him to bed
3. You can't walk her to the station as someone has to stay in with DS

And if you want a Damn bath, go and take one!! This woman will be walking all over you for years otherwise.

What? She won't accept you staying home to put your DS to bed while your OH walks her to the station.

I'd consider that normal behaviour. Odd.

The more you give in to her ridiculous demands the more she will make. You both need to stand up to her and be politely firm, and carry through what you say you are going to do. When it is your DS's bedtime, you put him to bed. If you have to stay in his room for him to go to sleep then do so.

When you invite her round tell her that you will be out until say 12.00 or whatever and there is no point in her getting there earlier (subject to the train timetable of course).

Can you also agree a time that she will go home before she visits and suggest that the visit lasts from 11.30 to 4.30 for example? And if she outstays her welcome you must stand up to her and say that you aren't getting your DS out of bed to walk her to the station.

DD had a "friend" like this. The friendship imploded and the freedom it brought (after a little bit of nastiness had to be dealt with) was so refreshing.

I've got one of these MILs. She just won't leave, or take the hint, and my DH is as wet as a fish when it comes to telling her to leave. His solution is now that we lie and say we are seeing friends for dinner so she comes early in the day and at about 6pm we load the kids into the car and drive off (round the block - we have to as she watches us go). I think this is ridiculous, and that a. She should have some concept of social norms and that staying until 10pm or later isn't on and that b. my DH should grow a set and say 'Amber and I have barely seen each other this week, so we're going to have a quiet night in together with a takeaway, but it's been lovely seeing you...'

As it is, I just get more and more wound up and no amount of repeatedly complaining of tiredness, putting my pyjamas on, doing the ironing while DH works will get rid of her. It sounds mean but we see her fairly regularly and would see her more often if we knew we weren't sacrificing an entire precious weekend day.

Like yours mine is also totally self obsessed. I had pneumonia over New Year and was quite unwell, when she found out all she went on about was how terrible she felt as she'd visited on Xmas day with a cold. As I was well in the throes of bronchitis and coughing all day long by Xmas I thought this was unnecessary attention seeking.

Maybe try the evening plans excuse? Best of luck OP.

You are trying so hard not to upset this woman. It is hard, from the outside, to see how the fallout of speaking plainly to her could be any worse than the misery of putting up with her.

Wtf are you dragging your ds out in a pushchair at 10pm to appease this woman.

Totally ridiculous situation all round.

Does your dh have a backbone at all?

Next time ensure she does not arrive till 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
Make up some appoitment you have to go to in the morning . Go out an hour before for a walk and do not return till 2pm . If she is on the doorstep moaning ( oh , she will be ) simply state ' I told you we would be out till 2pm '

She can have a few hours with you , an early tea then packed off to the station. Just go to bed and leave her either alone or with dh.

She is probably lonely, but needs to respect you as well . In a year or so you will be able to meet at hers , or a pub /soft play . and your DH needs to be a little more assertive toward his childish mum. does she actually throw a little tantrum or have a sulk if she doesnt get her way?
I think I would be telling her to grow up and that the world doesnt revolve around her

Your DH sounds a lot like mine was with his mother.("Anything for a quiet life.")

In the end, it nearly broke up our marriage.

Now that he has realised he has to stand up to her sometimes, things have improved. She still makes bizarre demands, but ultimately, if the answer is "no" then she just has to live with that. (She still sulks etc, but that's her problem, not ours.)

And what does it matter if she is bitching about you, and your refusal to walk her to the station, in years to come? Really? What are you really afraid of?

Why do you all have to take her to the station at 10pm ? tbh I'd have headed off for a bath and an early night. Don't offer dinner, if dh is happy for her to stay let him cater. You come across as a bit of a doormat enabling this to continue.

This is crazy, you turf a small child out of bed at night to all walk her to the station while you are recovering from cancer treatment ? Just say no, you're staying home with your sleeping child and DH can take her to the station.

I don't think it's about loneliness at all, I think it's about making sure she calls the shots.

Of course you can stand up to her.

If your H can't stand up for himself or you then maybe he should think about his son? You HAVE to do something about this situation before your some gets much older.

She is hugely controlling and it isn't good for your son to see his parents being manipulated and controlled like this.

He will either start to think that is ok to manipulate people, so he will copy her. Or he will pick up on how you feel about her and become frightened of her. He will begin to dread her coming round.

Do you really want your son to grow up thing it is ok for someone to treat you like this?

She has had a lifetime of being in control of the family. I think its not as easy as shaping the behaviour of a toddler!!

Her late husband bowed down to everything she wanted. Both siblings said it was her way or no way (though any bad decisions she made for the family would be blamed, for ever, on the late husband).

I have tried going up against her. It doesnt work - or maybe it would for someone that these things effect less (I like a life without bickering!).

Dp is weirdly conditioned to accept her behaviour, and make excuses for it. I have said to him, we can ALL have excuses for selfish behaviour - however - we have to take responsibility for ourselves & our behaviour & no reason is an excuse for bad manners. If I push DP further, he doesnt want to hear it (although, she has stayed till he is exhausted too and he has admitted it really is too long).

I now dont let her control things so much. She used to bring lunch (from Pret or Eat) so could dictate "no, lets not have lunch now, we shall have it after our walk". I now have a perfect excuse with DS - I now can say, well, he needs to have his lunch before 1pm - so I shall do his lunch now and we can meet you on your walk".

She is generous - but controling with it. Same with dinner - I now thank her for the offer of ordering Dominos pizza, but I have bought food to cook . AND - I actually love my break away in the kitchen, DS up on chair "helping" - and I take my sweet time!!! She used to want to stand in our tiny kitchen talking at me - but I did say to her I find it really distracting as I am not a good cook like her and need to concentrate... And also, told DP to keep her out the fucking kitchen!!

She is constantly pushing for her way though. Constantly. The other day, I had prepared lunch (a lot of chopping and preparing). She turned up with a pret lunch. I said - oh - you brought lunch - I said not to this time as I was making lunch - she denied me ever telling her (I showed her the email!!) - which she said she didnt get (but replied to - I didnt push the point).

I am not comfortable with her buying lunch / dinner - because it comes with conditions. Conditions to let her do as she pleases. I have had "you accepted x, y and z from me" - which has made me want to accept less and less from her.

So I am getting there VERY slowly with her.. DP is no support really.. I think there are some very deep psychological mother issues - he has some real social problems still in his 40s, because he was branded "stupid" from a child, and was made to be seen and not heard. He takes FOREVER to open up to have normal conversations with people (he is great with my mum actually - you would think my family were his family by his relationship with them) and he has huge fears of doing simple things like making and attending a doctors appointment.

My mother is WONDERFUL. A technique that works is inviting them both round - think I shall do this from now on actually. My mum is just lovely, and says "poor little DS - he is getting tired - and SUCH a good boy to behave so well with so much disruption --- lets go so you can get him settled and into bed"... and then leaves at a reasonable time. I think MIL in this situation wants to fit in and leaves at a reasonable time with my mum!!

AmberNectarine Is your DP related to my DP?!!!

Hmm, probably not because my MIL never pays for anything and never offers to chip in with a takeaway - because she 'pays for petrol to come and see us'. We're lucky, because our car runs on fresh air when we visit her.

Still I suppose we're lucky, BIL and SIL live a couple of hours away and on one occasion she went down for a 'couple of days' and stayed for eight. My poor SIL...

The visit yesterday was very much atmospherey a lot of the time.

Firstly because I said I would feed DS now and we can still have the lunch she bought later on - but he needs to eat (which stopped us going for a walk when she wanted to go - we ended up all eating lunch with him actually - which was what I would have wanted as I like to eat with my son!)

Then over the walk - she says she doesnt mind where we go. I suggest somewhere and am told its a stupid idea because............ So I just say lets go to the park (somewhere I know she wants to go) and get told "ok if thats what you want" --- if it then rains - I have to hear that thedancingboro ruined our day because she wanted to go to the park in the rain.

Then DP mentioned we are going on a boat trip today with my mum - which she got very jealous of and proceeded to make a lot of comments about. The maximum booking was 4 people - so I think of my (absolutely lovely) mum first, as I organised it!!! Plus when I invited her when the Olympics were on - I was laughed at because everything would be booked during the Olympics - so me DS and DP went without her!!

Sorry, your problem is with your DP. He should not be wanting you and baby out for a walk at 10pm (wtf?) or you made uncomfortable in your own home, or your offers of cooking for his mother home overridden.

Dancing, I think the suggestion of your mum always bring there may be a good one. It means you have someone on your side.

It might give you a bit of confidence also in dealing with your MIL.

I have to be honest though and say you are adults and are responsible for a child, please start to stick up for yourselves. If you and Dh present a united front, it will be easier.

Problem is you're getting the bickering AND getting bossed around.

Your mum sounds great - can you ask your mum to help you with this ? Having your mum round when MIL visits might help, because it sounds as though she can lead by example and model good behaviour for your MIL.