to think 12 hours is just too long..

[thedancingboro]

MIL comes to visit, and stays just too long. Today (and it has been this long before) she stayed 12 hours. I feel absolutely exhausted. I was up at 7am with my 2 year old, went to the supermarket, got home at 10.20 thinking I had 40 mins before MIL arrived - she turns up half an hour early. The day is always full on - she wants all attention on her talking. We had lunch at ours, went for a long walk, then home - where I had my first break which was going to cook dinner!!! I give lots of hints.. This evening I asked DP if the hot water was on as I want to have a bath.. Also said I want to get DS settled early tonight as we have a long day tomorrow (DS is never comfortable to go to bed when people are in the flat -- possibly the noise - we live in a tiny 1 bed and the wall between sitting room and bedroom is paper thin). STILL she doesnt leave until past 10pm.. DS is still awake.

THEN when we are walking her to the station - she doesnt want to go to the nearest one - she fancies a walk so wants to walk to one a mile away. We have to walk back from there. DS sleeps in the pram.

And now - I am up not wanting to go to bed as I have had no mumsnet me time.

Gosh I've just remembered my grandma used to behave like your MIL. She was a complete nightmare, used to moan constantly and want everything her way.

My mum and dad dealt with her brilliantly. I remember being very frightened of her as a young child, and we only saw her a few times a year. But my parents just didn't let her behaviour affect them. They did what they wanted, ignored her silly demands and left her muttering to herself. We even took her on a very memorable holiday once! We and a great time because we didn't let her dictate, she had ot fit in with the majority-like everyone else.

We also called her The Dragon, in private, so we just saw her as a figure of fun, it took the fear away.

Just be grateful you are in a one bed or else she would be staying for days.my in laws come for the weekend.from Thursday to Monday.she is ok but the fil is a shocker.if a suggestion is not to his liking it us rubbished and DP is I think still cowed by him as he was a dictatorial father. V hard as the impact if that sort if parenting seems to last a lifetime and be v difficult to fight against

I think 12 hours sounds like bliss - my mums been here since Last week. She hasn't stopped talking about herself since she got here. DH & I are exhausted. DS actually snapped at her to shut up yesterday " so mummy could think" (she ignored him of course). I nearly crashed the car as she was so distracting. The world apparently revolves around her and she is an expert at everything (especially in the subjects that DH & I work in - our multiple professional degrees mean nothing to her daily mail insight)
She's terrible with our DS & keeps making awful and rude comments about stuff.
I try really hard not to be rude to her but find myself snapping. She's getting worse and harder to deal with the older she gets.

To put it bluntly you are allowing your mil to call the shots and get away with walking all over you. If you don't want to walk her to the station then don't! So what if she is then in a mood?

I'm all for compromise and give and take in families BUT she is doing all the taking and you all the giving.

You need to sort this now or it will get worse.

Wonder if that would work with my mil Excuse, then i could resume contact with i & dc. Too much water under the bridge in my case though and a lot more to my situation, including insults & digs from her to my dc. I always wonder though, whether if me & dh had shown a united front, things wouldn't have to be this way. Weirdly my mil did have her moments of being so awful i saw her as an entertainment figure also , such a shame she went too far & fil is just as bad infact worse!!

Getting back to op, i think you need to show a united front as others have said. If you do that, things should be easier and you should get more time as a family unit.

I agree with whoever said you have enough on your plate and your DH needs to stand up to her. The stuff about the park is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous on her part. If your DH won't, then you need to make it clear to him what a big deal this is.

I think you need to start getting more demanding and stubbon - she can only boss you around if you let her. You have to 're-train' her that she doesn' get her own way, so if you go to hers, tell her when you arrive you have to leave at 7pm at the latest to get DS home for bed. At 6pm if she's not started cooking, remind DH that you're leaving in an hour and does he want to talk to his mum? At 6:45pm start packing up because "we said we had to leave at 7pm" and then leave - if DP does or not.

Whatever she says, repeat "yes, but I told you I had to get DS home."

If she wants you to go for a walk with her, let DP go on his own, just say "no, I'm not going to go" she can't make you! You shouldn't be keeping DS up, start his bath, say DP will have to walk her to the station on his own. go to bed yourself, leave it with him to deal with her.

If she brings her own lunch, let her, still provide what you were going too.

There will be an atmosphere, she's used to getting her own way, she won't like being made to fit in with other people's wants and needs, but tough, eventally, she'll either get used to it or will stop coming. Your DP will never stand up to her, so you've got to do it.

It's hard because you often have it drummed into youto be a good host and try to make your guests feel comfortable, but she's not trying to be nice to you, so you don't need to bend over backwards being nice to her.

Why do you all have to do everything together. if she wants a walk , strap ds in a buggy and let her get one with it with dh (or is it dp). You are giving her an audience to work , take that away and you can diffuse the stress and have time to yourself.

This sounds like a lot of hardwork I really do empathise. I would have another conversation with your DH about this as the confrontation that will have to occur (if it is going to stop) needs to be had with him. I had a similar problem with MIL, she is quite a formidable woman and is used to controlling everything. We would visit her for lunch and she similarly expects the DC, youngest has just turned 2, to entertain themselves for 4 hrs with toys whilst she talks about herself. In the past it would get to tea time for DC, 5.30ish and they started to get whiney because they were bored and hungry. MIL unusually has a restaurant in the block of flats she lives in but it is really geared up to adult dining in the evening and they don't open until 6.30pm by which time my youngest is approaching bed time not dinner time. She is generous with paying for meals out and would suggest eating in the restaurant as she didn't have any food in etc. We did it once but it was a disaster as DD was 1 then. We see her at least once a week, sometimes she asks me to come around in the week and so I didn't want to continue the expectation we would have lunch and dinner in this setting. I spoke to DP who now announces that we are going at 5 as we have to get them ready for tea, bath, bed. He has no qualms as MIL was very strict when they were young and they were always in bed by 7.

We visit for about 7 hours and that feels like a long time if you're just inside for 5 of those. 12 hrs is ridiculous you need to get DP to deliver the message that you're ending the day at dinner time or earlier.

I think it does sound like you are getting there slowly OP.

You sound like me - you don't like confontation, and would like the back up of your DP but are learning to get on without it in some situations.

You have years of her yet - so it is worth it to get this sorted.

Things like the going out at night with your son to walk her to the station - stop it. Be brave. Say you want your son to stay in bed and your DP will walk with her. Once you've done it once you will have set the new pattern for the future, and it be easier next time, and next time and so on.

Let her strop. It's not up to you to keep her on an even keel.

Your DP sounds as if he has really struggled in his childhood. It may be easier for you to accept the idea that in this case he isn't going to be able to take the lead in sorting MIL out. It's a shame, but it's not the end of the world. If he sees you taking the lead in more and more little ways, like the kitchen, the lunch and the walking to the station things, he may start to find more heart to deal with her alongside you.

Take things one thing at a time. She will slowly see that how you manage your family is your affair - if she doesn't like it - let her deal with it in her own way. Stropping and bitching is childish and controling. Rise above it. Don't accept it.

You could try using some of her own methods against her.

She, for example, brings round sandwiches, so you'll have to do what she says.

So, have lunch or dinner already prepared, so that you can just say, "Oh, I've already made lunch." Cooking a second lunch may seem redundant, and make you look silly and childish (when after all, she is the one being silly and childish.)

When at her house, offer to order in Pizza at 6:00, so you can leave at 7:00. (As part of the strategy dontmindifido outlined.)

Or, take food to her house for dinner, if you go. Make a lovely casserole or lasagne, or something like that, so it just needs to be heated up at 5:30, for dinner at 6:00. (Make sure you are not tricked into being out "for a walk" at 5:30, though!)

Definitely use DS as an "excuse" for needing to leave early, or finish an evening at yours early. Definitely don't get him out of bed at 10:00 to walk her to the station! (Incidentally, if she is okay to travel on public transport for an hour alone at 10:00 or 11:00 pm, why does she even need walking to the station? Okay, I know it's polite, but certainly not necessary for everyone to go!)

The trouble with DH is that he is so accustomed to doing everything her way, it just won't occur to him to do it a different way, unless he sees it "modelled" by you.

(One day MIL had commanded our presence to a family dinner on the day we were moving house. It would've meant stopping our unpacking to make ourselves presentable, driving for an hour and a half each way, and having dinner with her sister and DH's cousins whom he dislikes. All on top of being shattered from having moved house. DH didn't want to tell her we couldn't come. I said, "I'll do it!" and picked up the phone and just did it. He was utterly amazed that such a thing could be done!)

I didnt get DS out of bed to walk her home - he was awake as I cant ever put him to sleep when she is here (have put him down with others here though - she has in the past, made a big fuss of him if he wakes up -- laughing and saying that he doesnt look asleep when he walks in the room - I usually just take him back into bed quietly if no one is there. He doesnt get much attention from her unless he has done something he shouldnt - which I see reinforces what he shouldnt be doing)..

Anyway, I said to DP again about this - in front of my mother (who is always very sweet and neutral about things) - and he was really defensive - saying that this is family - you can have a 12 hour visit from family etc. And that he cant tell her to leave etc.

I said its unreasonable - he said its not.

I said I would post something on mumsnet about it and see whether other people think its reasonable (he doesnt know about this thread!!!!) and he brushed it off saying that I will only get the moaners on mumsnet and its not valid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If your DP would like to see her for 12 hours then why not leave them to it for the evening? Just say you're going to have an early night and then disappear until she's gone

maybe the best solution would be to just visit her and say your place is just too small for visitors, that way when you have had enough it is much easier to leave without offending.

Your dp sounds far from supportive and quite clearly has not took on board your concerns, so in that case i would leave him to visit her house for the day as he seems to love her 12hr visits so much!

That way only he has to put up with her constant presence and you can have your home back.
He will soon get bored of dealing with her all by himself.

I actually suggested that today - if he likes seeing her for 12 hours - then go and visit her for that period of time!! Though he never visits her alone..

If your DP doesn't stand up to his mother AND says mumsnet opinions are invalid (bloody cheek!), I fear there is only one course of action:

LTB

... or at least LTB round his mother's every other Sunday.

Dear Mr Dancingbro

I'm not a moaner. Really I'm not. I'm easy going and generally pretty cheerful. Therefore my opinion is not invalid, right?

12 hours is too fucking long for a visit from anyone Bro! That's like all fucking day!!
I don't want anyone in my house for 12 hours on a regular basis. Not even my oldest and most adored friends. I certainly wouldn't want my mother in law to visit for 12 hours...and I fucking love my mother in law...she's a peach!

So...to summerise...12 hours...too fucking long.

Kind regards x

Or even to summarise.

I'm not a moaner but I am a self editing spelling pedant.
I hate the lack of edit facility on this site.

This MIL is a stereotype, and dancingbro is also acting a stereotype in response, easily done. These people who talk forever and bang on about stuff, insensitive to others and too sensitive towards themselves. You end up moaning about it, to a best friend or on chatrooms like this, it can go on forever.

Cos she's on your turf she is acting up, having to be top dog all the time. Jeez, this is as old as time this stuff, I mean I remember my mum saying this stuff about her DIL coming round. My mum turned 80 this year.

Maybe pace it so you guys go round to her place once in a while, alternate it, maybe you not be there or cry off and do something else.

If you find yourself thinking in her tone of voice after the 12 hours, you know you've got problems - and I have been in this situ myself. Note how you go on the net to moan on like she talks forever... it's catching!