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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm a SAHM so I can't moan about the finances"

69 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 04/04/2013 12:43

DH says I have to either contribute financially or 'stop moaning' about our financial situation (we have two DC and live in a tiny 2 bed flat that is falling to pieces, not to mention never having a holiday).

Does he have a point? He probably does. I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. We both believe that me being at home is best for the DC (aged 1 and 2), yet whenever the issue of money comes up he always ends up saying: "what are you going to do to help us financially?" So he wants me to somehow work 2 jobs? (SAHM and money provider?)

Either he wants me to be a SAHM or not. When I say this, he replies "well STFU then".

My question to you guys is: If you're a SAHM does this mean you can't/shouldn't comment on the finances? Confused

OP posts:
mistressploppy · 04/04/2013 12:45

Your DH tells you to STFU?

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 04/04/2013 12:46

Yes.

OP posts:
grovel · 04/04/2013 12:46

You can comment on whatever you like. The only observation I'd make is your money "moans" probably dent his pride (ie he's not providing properly for his family).

SaltaKatten · 04/04/2013 12:46

You're contributing by ensuring that you do not have childcare costs. Two children in full time childcare would probably eat up most of your wages.

mistressploppy · 04/04/2013 12:47

YABU to moan and YANBU to be able to comment. You discussed it and made a decision.

cantspel · 04/04/2013 12:47

Of course you should be able to comment but what do you expect him to be able to do? He cant magic money out of thin air and if you have both made the choice that you are going to be a sahm then you shouldn't be moaning to him that you now cant afford holidays, a large home or house improvements.

Unless of course he is wasting what money you have on stuff for himself whilst you and the kids go without.

Pagwatch · 04/04/2013 12:47

Of course it doesn't mean any such thing. We take all financial decisions together.

But tbh it will depend on what you are saying.
Are you talking about methods to save money/use what you have better. Or are you just complaining ?

Omnishambolic · 04/04/2013 12:47

I think my answer would depend on where the current family income is going. If he's working as hard as he can, and not wasting money on frivolous things for himself (eg going out drinking all the time), then I don't think it's helpful for you to complain. (Is there anything either of you could do - eg taking in ironing, cleaning at weekends, any shop work at weekends?).

If on the other hand his wages are going on other things whilst the rest of the family misses out, then it's fair enough for you to say (but you still need to be sensible - just moaning and complaining isn't good enough if you can't come up with what to do instead).

On the other hand - HIBU to tell you to STFU. That's just plain rude.

BMW6 · 04/04/2013 12:47

Could you work p/t when OH is home with DC? Sounds like he's under pressure (but no need to be rude to you)

Pagwatch · 04/04/2013 12:48

Of course it doesn't mean any such thing. We take all financial decisions together.

But tbh it will depend on what you are saying.
Are you talking about methods to save money/use what you have better. Or are you just complaining ?

BlackholesAndRevelations · 04/04/2013 12:48

Depends what comments you are making. Is he irresponsible with money? It should be the case that the money he earns is family money. If youre moaning that he's not earning enough, then maybe you should try and find work. However, I'm assuming it's the former, in which case YANBU.

CockyFox · 04/04/2013 12:49

I agree with him to be honest but I think the STFU is a bit too nasty.
I am a SAHM whilst I remain so the financial system can't improve so I can't moan, in september youngest DC will start school I will look for a job and when things are still crap it won't be because I don't try.

ENormaSnob · 04/04/2013 12:50

Depends what you're moaning about imo.

I am earning more than dh at the minute (we both work though) and would be very pissed off if he was whining about our finances all the time.

LazyMonkeyButler · 04/04/2013 12:54

I agree that it depends hugely on what you are saying. If you are moaning/complaining that DH doesn't earn enough money, whilst he is working hard in the best paid job he can realistically hope to find then YABU. If however, you are looking to have a grown up conversation about how your income can be better used - cutting down on alcohol, takeaways, luxuries etc. in order to fund home improvements or a holiday then YADNBU.

And he should not be telling you to STFU.

pinkdelight · 04/04/2013 12:56

"Either he wants me to be a SAHM or not."

What do you want? Presumably it's at least half your decision, so if this is how the finances stack up given the decision you've both made, than YABU to moan about it. Unless, as others have said, he is somehow wasting the money. If he's being sensible and you just want to sound off about the lack of money, then you can expect him to feel pressured/injured pride. It's bound to be tight with a 1 and 2 year old, but you were both expecting that and have to get through it together till you can go back to work and it gets easier.

redskyatnight · 04/04/2013 12:57

Sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

YOU say: ?I?m sick of never having enough money?
YOU mean: I?m having a general rant about our circumstances
HE hears: Why aren?t you earning more money, you worthless person?

HE says: ?well, you could contribute if you?re not happy with our financial situation?

HE means: I?m trying to find a solution to the problem and point out it?s not all my fault
YOU hear: You have no right to comment when you?re swanning about at home doing nothing

kungfupannda · 04/04/2013 12:58

He shouldn't be telling you to STFU obviously. And you should be involved in all financial decisions.

But what are you actually saying to him? Is there something specific that you want him to address? Or are you just repeatedly moaning about not having enough money?

If there's something going on that you think needs to change then obviously you need to have a discussion about it. But if you're just complaining about money generally, then he certainly has a point - your options are to live with the situation or try to bring more money in by getting a job yourself.

DadOnIce · 04/04/2013 13:00

He sounds stressed, although that's no excuse for him to be rude to you. He has a point, although there are ways of saying it. You took the decision jointly (I assume?) that he'd be the earner and you'd stay at home with the children. As soon as either of you starts criticising the other for doing this imperfectly - you for his not earning enough money, or him for your inadequate housekeeping - then that's unconstructive.

Nothing wrong with having a conversation about budgeting, but that's not the same as telling him he needs to earn more money. It's not clear from your OP what form the discussion/argument took.

janey68 · 04/04/2013 13:08

He shouldn't be telling you to Stfu- that's a shocking way to speak to your partner.
But you shouldnt be moaning if you agreed a decision to SAH. Obviously every one is allowed an occasional grumble, but constant complaining grinds anyone down and doesn't help. Basically, you need to weigh up your options- plenty of couples both work, whether full time, part time or evening / weekend shifts to fit around eachother. Or you can carry on SAH. Or you could work and he could SAH. Thems the choices - moaning about the one you both appear to have made is daft

Chockyeggpants · 04/04/2013 13:29

Charmer of the Year.
Consider LTB.

marriedinwhiteagain · 04/04/2013 13:32

If money is tight:

Ironing (when the DC are in bed)
Saturday/Sunday job when DH isn't working
Evening job when DH isn't working
Proof reading, translating
Temp admin/secretarial jobs when your DH has a week's holiday
Childminding - you could take on one more albeit part-time
Babysitting

Providing your DH isn't squandering money then having made the decisison to stay at home, I don't think you should be grumbling if there's nothing more your DH can do to bring any more money home. If you want more money then you have earn some albeit by fitting in crap jobs when your DH is home.

Fluffy1234 · 04/04/2013 13:33

Would working evenings or weekends be an option to improve your financial situation? I did care work when ds2 and ds3 were pre school age and the money was pretty good because of evening and weekend enhancements. That worked well as no childcare or worries if the children were poorly. I think this type of thing would be more productive than moaning about money.
So in answer to your question you can be a SAHM and bring in some money.

Wossname · 04/04/2013 13:35

Offer to get a job, add your wages to the family pot, then pay the childcare out of the pot. There you go, you'd be contributing financially, although with 2 young children you probably wont be better off. But still, you'd be making a financial contribution.

DiscoDonkey · 04/04/2013 13:38

Depends what your saying and how you are saying it I suppose. Do you want to be a sahm?

BertieBotts · 04/04/2013 13:38

The decision to be a SAHM or not, with the financial considerations around that, should be a joint decision/responsibility really. So I'd say you have as much entitlement to "moan" about money as he does.

If you're not happy with the current situation can't you just sit down and discuss it rather than putting up with being generally unhappy with it? It's hard to tell if he's getting frustrated with you moaning about something you refuse to change or whether he's being a bit of a dick. If he's refusing to discuss/stonewalling/dismissive then maybe lean towards dickishness. If you're the one who wants money to magically appear out of nowhere then perhaps less so.