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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I'm a SAHM so I can't moan about the finances"

69 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 04/04/2013 12:43

DH says I have to either contribute financially or 'stop moaning' about our financial situation (we have two DC and live in a tiny 2 bed flat that is falling to pieces, not to mention never having a holiday).

Does he have a point? He probably does. I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. We both believe that me being at home is best for the DC (aged 1 and 2), yet whenever the issue of money comes up he always ends up saying: "what are you going to do to help us financially?" So he wants me to somehow work 2 jobs? (SAHM and money provider?)

Either he wants me to be a SAHM or not. When I say this, he replies "well STFU then".

My question to you guys is: If you're a SAHM does this mean you can't/shouldn't comment on the finances?

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 04/04/2013 19:10

I'm not really sure what your status of SAHM has to do with commenting on finances. Surely, if you're disgruntled about something in a relationship you are allowed to comment. My DP will comment about some kind of triviality, like not having enough clean clothes, particularly if he has had a bad day at work. He apologies later for moaning about my supposed shortcomings as SAHP. It is life- people get grumpy about things and moan. I have moaned about stuff like him not taking holiday when I thought we'd agreed. Tbh not money as he worries about that a lot because he is a little obsessed with it and pay rises.

If he told me to STFU (he wouldn't) I'd tell him to do exactly the same.

Lucyellensmum95 · 04/04/2013 19:14

Ummm, Being a SAHM is not sitting at home living of DH's money though is it - it is doing the childcare which would cost a considerable amount with two preschoolers. Many people consider the mother to be the best person for the job (or father)!

Yes, its a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner, it is also a lot of pressure having to deal with being skint and not feeling able to comment on it or have any control over the situation.

Yes the OP could get a job on top of the one she already has, this relies on her A) actually being able to get one - theres quite a big unemployment thing going on just now and B) her DH being willing to do the evening childcare after he has been at work all day - am assuming it is a shared thing just now.

A marriage is a partnership, i don't see it AT ALL that the OP isn't contributing. Also, there are too many other factors

is the DH self employed and not bringing in enough work (not because he doesn't try, just the situation of the times)
Does the DH not do available over time?
Could the DH get a better paid job?
Does the DH over spend?
Do they both over spend?

So many things we don't know - living in a small flat with no holidays doesn't sound briliant, but i would be happy with that if i didn't have money worries - it sounds like the OP has money worries (as do we) and it can be a very anxious time.

I am a little incredulous to read that some people are suggesting that becuase the OP doesn't earn, she cannot comment or even have a moan. It is soul destroying being broke and worrying about money all the time.

Greythorne · 04/04/2013 19:16

Why don't you have enought money?

If he drinks, smokes, gambles, buys expensive gadgets, goes to the pub with his mates.....and that leaves you short, then you have every right to raise the issue of money and not having enough for family stuff.

BUT

If he is a decent family man, who works hard, earns the best he can, then YABU because what exactly do you expect him to do?

Lucyellensmum95 · 04/04/2013 19:17

redskyatnight - "but i said he could be a SAHP" you make it sound like a holiday!

Blu · 04/04/2013 19:17

What do you think he should say or do when you say there isn't enough money in the family?

HE isn't moaning about money, so he is presumably happy for you to be a SAHM.

Or is there some other aspect of money that is making you moan, like his online gambling habit, or something?

It's hard having children and not much money - have the two of you got a shared plan for improving your lives over the next 5 years, say? Have you got ideas for easing the financial pressure which do not inlcude you going back to work yet? Could you bring in more household income if you both worked part time?

KansasCityOctopus · 04/04/2013 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/04/2013 19:28

He shouldnt swear at you as it not nice but i'd be rather peeved if somebody i was fully supporting financially moaned about the lack of money.

Its hard working all week and feeling the pressure of being the sole earner. You could help and contribute and work around his hours to avoid childcare and ease the pressure.

I disagree he should be looking for overtime etc, he needs a life outside of work and to see his children.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/04/2013 19:37

OP.

I can sympathise as I could have written this post during our early days. The consolation is that it gets better further down the line. I know this may seem hopeless atm but it will improve.
Your poor dh is obviously stressed as mine was. It is a huge responsibility to be the one providing for your family.
Sending hugs as I remember it well.

lonahjomu · 04/04/2013 19:46

I'm a SAHM and I also manage the finances.

Do you know where your money is going? Have you always felt like this? Is it Since your 1st son was born, or is just since your 2nd was born, and with 2 toddling about the place you now feel caged.

Have you got a long term goal, eg going back to work at some stage? Could you go back earlier than planned or do you always plan on remaining in your flat?

TheBigJessie · 05/04/2013 10:32

marriedinwhiteagain

Ah. I can see your point now. At the time, it came across as unnecessarily glib. Certainly possibly because of my own issooos. On peopleperhour, everyone seems to have a language BA + a masters in translation and/or twenty years' experience!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 05/04/2013 10:35

Morethaotatoprints

Did you Dh tell you to shut the fuck up!

morethanpotatoprints · 05/04/2013 11:14

Jamie,

It was sooooo long ago but yes I believe so, or something similar.
When you are skint and don't know how you are going to feed your family it can get quite stressful. Even during those awful times when there seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel you don't stop loving someone. Money was the only thing we have ever had any arguments or ill feeling about in 20+ years of marriage.
It obviously gets better though and I wanted to put it into perspective for the OP because we could have so easily separated during this time as it was really tough. It would have been the worst thing we could have done.

TomDudgeon · 05/04/2013 11:35

Wow so according to some sahp don't contribute
Look at it like this
Op does childcare for someone else's two children, she gets paid for it and then uses the money to pay for her own children's childcare.
Would that count as contributing financially because that's what's she's doing while cutting out the middle bit.
So if she was doing it that way would she be allowed to comment?

MintyyAeroEgg · 05/04/2013 11:42

There is really no point in moaning about finances if you (meaning both of you) are unable to do anything about it. Much better to have a calm and reasonable discussion, when neither of you are feeling pissed off and put-upon, to see if there is anything you can do to earn more money or free up some cash in other ways.

redskyatnight · 05/04/2013 12:34

TomDudgeon Nobody is saying that SAHP don't contribute. Just that they don't contribute to the finances. So if they have a problem with there being not enough money coming in, perhaps it's reasonable to suggest that the SAHP might find a way to generate some income rather than just moaning about the lack of it?

If the OP had said that her DH was constantly moaning that she never looked after the DC properly and the house was a mess there would be a cry of "how dare he criticise when he's not the one doing it".

TomDudgeon · 05/04/2013 15:07

Well I see that as contributing financially to a family.

Blu · 05/04/2013 15:55

It is contributing to the family. Of course it is. But the point is that the OP is about CASH not the other important contributions in a family.

Unfortunately the OP has vamoosed, without clarifying the nature of her comments, and whether it really was simply about lack of cash, or other money management issues. Of course any member of the family can discuss money management - that is totally different from simply complaining about not having enough.

Babyroobs · 05/04/2013 16:11

As pp says can you look for a part time job which fits around your husband's job ? We've done this for the past 14 years ( with 4 kids) and have been lucky in that we've paid very little childcare costs over the years. It has not been easy ( and still isn't), but is getting better as the kids get older. The alternative would have been continuous financial stress and worry/ no holidays / no treats and that wasn't an option for us. Sounds like your partner might be stressed over money although there is no excuse for talking to you the way he has. Hope things work out for you both .

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 05/04/2013 17:19

This is all so moot unless we hear back from the OP what her worries are.

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