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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm a SAHM so I can't moan about the finances"

69 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 04/04/2013 12:43

DH says I have to either contribute financially or 'stop moaning' about our financial situation (we have two DC and live in a tiny 2 bed flat that is falling to pieces, not to mention never having a holiday).

Does he have a point? He probably does. I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. We both believe that me being at home is best for the DC (aged 1 and 2), yet whenever the issue of money comes up he always ends up saying: "what are you going to do to help us financially?" So he wants me to somehow work 2 jobs? (SAHM and money provider?)

Either he wants me to be a SAHM or not. When I say this, he replies "well STFU then".

My question to you guys is: If you're a SAHM does this mean you can't/shouldn't comment on the finances? Confused

OP posts:
mumofweeboys · 04/04/2013 13:45

He is working which allows u to stay at home, its a lot of pressure/responsibility being the sole wage owner. Iv been there when dh was sahd. If he had moaned at me about money while I was the sole worker, I would have been seriously peed off and very defensive as its like being told your not good enough and your not appreciated.

If u need to moan stick to your friends, your dh doesnt need to be constantly told he isnt earning enough for the lifestyle u want.

LadyInDisguise · 04/04/2013 13:49

And what about him doing a saturday/sunday job, working in the evening etc... married?

The decision for the OP to be a SAHM has been taking as a joint decision.
If the finances are too tight and there is a need for the couple to find other sources of income.

The OP as a SAHM is already working hard all day long (and probably doing all the nigth shifts too as her DH is 'working'). Why should it be her that has to work more?

OP, it really depends on what you mean by moaning. Is it a general moan about the fact you can't go on hols or do X or Y? Or is your DH saying your are moaning if you are bringing the issue of finance and the need to budget/thinking where to best spend the money?

I would suggest that you look at figures (ie how much could you get paid, how much childcare cost) with a 'normal job'. Look at weekends jobs (with your DH looking after the dcs and taking responsibility of doing all what needs to be done in the house too ie ironing, tidying, shopping etc...).
Then evaluate what you think is the best way to organize your life (ie you having a second job) depending on the impact it will have on your family/couple.

And be clear that insult are just NOT acceptable whatever the situation.

DontmindifIdo · 04/04/2013 13:51

Yep, agree as above, depends what you moaning means - if you really just are complaining that there's not enough money, not complain about how it's spent, then quite frankly that's equally down to your choice. If you want to be a SAHM then you have to accept that for most people, that means a lower standard of living compared to both parents working (assuming your wage would be higher than childcare costs and childcare costs).

You might have jointly taken the decision for you to stay at home, but it sounds like you are whinging that he's not providing you the standard of living you would like to have. He's pointing out if you want that then you'll have to work too.

And yes, you could work weekends, evenings, childmind etc. or accept that something has to give, if you want a higher material standard of living, then perhaps you can't also be a full time SAHM. What is more important to you? It doesn't sound like he is complaining about your lifestyle, only you seem to have a problem with it.

Of course, if there was enough money but he's wasting a lot on drinking/going out without you/gambling/generally letting it fall between his fingers, then you have a right to moan about the lack of control over the budget.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/04/2013 13:51

What are you worried about OP?

LadyInDisguise · 04/04/2013 13:53

And agree with Bertie as the decision was a joint decision, either no one should be moaning about the money or everyone can.

The thing about 'being the sole earner' and the stress that it can create should not mean that the SAHP has to shut and out up with whatever the situation is. Eg if there is the need of doing some important repair in the flat but can't even though it creates massive problems re the dcs (safety wise or need to constantly supervised etc...).

Again there is a difference between 'moaning' and 'moaning' so I wuld be interested what this verb means for the OP.

Squitten · 04/04/2013 13:54

Well, this would entirely depend on what you're talking about? What is wrong with your financial situation?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/04/2013 13:54

Oh, and i agree that telling your partner and the mother of your children to shut the fuck up, is terrible.

DontmindifIdo · 04/04/2013 13:56

Lady - I don't think it's fair to ask him to work a second job on weekends or evenings, the OP gets 5 days a week when he's at work with the DCs, if he also worked a second job on weekends/evenings, when does he get to spend time with his DCs? It's not fair to ask one parent to completely sacrifice their relationship with their child in order to fund the other one having more quality time with the DCs.

There are 14 available days a week for this family, 7 days a week need to cover childcare as they aren't using paid for childcare, 7 days a week available for work. Why should one party work all 7 of the available work days and never get time with the DCs?

WileyRoadRunner · 04/04/2013 13:59

OP having seen some of your previous threads do you want to be a SAHM?

I know that you have agreed it's best for your children but is it really? Are you happy?

Bobyan · 04/04/2013 14:01

If you don't like living in a tiny flat that's falling to pieces, then get a job. If you're not actually bothered than stay at home.
Either way its your choice.

javabean · 04/04/2013 14:02

I don't think it matters what the OP is commenting on, the attitude that she's a SAHM and therefore can't comment until she contributes financially is appalling. Especially as he is in agreement that the best thing for your kids is for you to stay home.

Moaning about things that can't be changed isn't helpful and constructive, and I can see how that could annoy your spouse. But nowhere does the OP say that she is moaning, just that her DH says she is.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/04/2013 14:05

Yes javabean. I'd like to hear a lot more from the OP before concluding she should get up off her arse.

LadyInDisguise · 04/04/2013 14:05

That's a fair way to look at it Dontmind. What I have an issue is the old story about 'You are not working as you are at home so you have to work weekends/evenings' whilst refusing the acknowledge that looking after yound dcs IS work.

Of course, if this organisation is the best for the family as it allows for each parent to spend time with the dcs, whilst respecting the need of each parent (eg both are getting up during the night, doing HW etc...) then that's fine.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/04/2013 14:21

javabean

"Moaning about things that can't be changed isn't helpful and constructive, and I can see how that could annoy your spouse. But nowhere does the OP say that she is moaning, just that her DH says she is."

That would depend on what and how the OP is saying what she is saying.
When does commenting become moaning?

TheBigJessie · 04/04/2013 14:26

Unless the OP is already the proud achiever of a languages degree, a native bilingual, or similar, I think that translating may be an unrealistic proposition

Loulybelle · 04/04/2013 14:34

My sister was a SAHM for a while, but with a wedding to pay for, she decided to work evenings when her husband is as home, that way they get two incomes and no childcare costs, bar one extra session for DN at nursery. She does homecare.

Is homecare at all possible OP? If you feel you want to earn some money.

DoJo · 04/04/2013 18:22

Unless you are offering constructive suggestions then no, I don't think you should complain. Just being negative about your DH's ability to provide the things that you want probably isn't really achieving anything other than making him feel unappreciated and shit. Saying 'I wish your company valued your contribution more - I feel as though the job you do is worth more than the wage you earn' is more reasonable. Saying 'I have looked into it and it seems like you aren't being paid the going rate for your role, so maybe it's worth asking for a pay-rise' or 'if you completed this course, you could probably ask for a promotion' or similar is a more sensible way to approach things regardless of whether you're a SAHM or wage earner.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/04/2013 18:33

If you are complaining about things in the house and the fact that you don't get a holiday, then your DH probably does have a point. You may well just be putting pressure on him when there is nothing more he can do, at the same time as giving his ego a hammering.

If you can't afford house improvements or to move or to go on holidays, then you can't afford it.

What does 'commenting on the finances' actually mean to you?

idiuntno57 · 04/04/2013 18:48

my dh is the major breadwinner but I control the finances. Both rolls are stressful. me making ends meet him making sure we have some money. Is this about control OP ?

the STFU comment suggests an unequal marriage in that you both contribute in different ways.

idiuntno57 · 04/04/2013 18:49

sorry missing end bit ...

you both contribute but his contribution perceived as more significant?

KansasCityOctopus · 04/04/2013 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedinwhiteagain · 04/04/2013 18:57

My suggestion about the OP going to work evenings/weekends was intended to empower her. For example, give her a life outside the home and a break from the children whilst at the same time carving herself a bit of financial independence. At that time her DH would be at home doing bed/bath/story and hopefully having a quick tidy round and cooking his own supper. In turn that might make him a bit more appreciative of what the op does.

I put in the bit about translating because I don't think it's acceptable to assume that women at home can only do menial tasks and I didn't want to underestimate the OP's potential.

Fluffy1234 · 04/04/2013 19:01

I did just that marriedinwhiteagain and I also found it works the other way round. When I got my job it made me appreciate how hard my DH worked.

badguider · 04/04/2013 19:06

Everybody's already said it. The moaning probably sounds to him like you're criticising.
If you don't want to work, unless you're asking him to work more hours (and that's a possibility) then what use is moaning?

redskyatnight · 04/04/2013 19:06

If we flip the genders round this becomes:

"I work full time and DH is a SAHD - we agreed this as we thought it was important for one parent to be at home. But these days it feels that all DH does is moan that we don't have enough money. I pointed out that if he wanted more money he could always go out and get a job and he threw back in my face that I'd agreed he could be a SAHD so why should he?"