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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re my son

56 replies

thegreylady · 30/03/2013 09:07

My son is 42 and has lived and worked in Turkey for 19 years. He works for a huge multi national company in a managerial position. Every year he attends several conferences abroad one of which is in UK-usually London. While he is there he catches up with old friends in the evenings. We don't usually see him as it is too far from here.
This year the conference is in Liverpool which is only about 50 miles away and I was counting on seeing him at the weekend after the conference. However he has decided to go to London from Friday to Sunday to stay with a friend. This means he won't see me or dd and her family at all
Every year I have gone to visit him and when his dd was little I went twice a year. Last year I went over in July.
AIBU to think he could have come here on the Friday and then gone to London on Saturday to see his friend?
The conference is next weekend.

OP posts:

Cybbo · 30/03/2013 09:09

Yes he could have come to see you but has chosen not to. He is an adult, and you are thinking about what YOU would do in that situation.

Nothing makes folk want to visit less than thinking they have to.

Altinkum · 30/03/2013 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 30/03/2013 09:11

YANBU, of course i can understand why you feel hurt and upset.

Bugger all you can do about it though is there really?

Crap though.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 30/03/2013 09:11

I think it is rather inconsiderate of him.

Have you actually asked him to come and see you or are you just presuming he would?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 30/03/2013 09:12

Oh i thought you meant your dd - his sister.

If he's not coming to see his dd then that's bloody awful!

marriedinwhiteagain · 30/03/2013 09:12

Did you invite him to do that? Yes I think he should have gone to you for the Friday evening but he is also a bloke and in spite of everything I read on here about training them and them behaving as equals I genuinely don't think they think about how other people feel - especially their family. DH is starting to get a teeny bit better but he's just turned 50 and the loss of a parent suddenly taught him a hard lesson about those you love not always being there.

Goldmandra · 30/03/2013 09:15

YANBU to be upset. He's justified not seeing you previously because you are too far from London but now the conference is the same distance from London he can suddenly manage the journey to see friends.

Could there be some special reason to visit London that you don't know about?

If not it's a shame he's made this decision but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it. Just accept his decision but don't feel guilty about not wanting to jump through hoops to visit him in the future if you ever feel like that.

deemented · 30/03/2013 09:20

I think he's being really inconsiderate. Does he know how much him not coming to see you hurts you?

b4bunnies · 30/03/2013 09:20

he doesn't know he has an obligation to his parents. or, he doesn't care. probably he doesn't know, as his conference visit plans this year are exactly in line with those of previous years. he doesn't understand that as he's a taxi-fare from his parents, he ought to get there.

Montybojangles · 30/03/2013 09:34

Perhaps you just need to tell him, actually we were really excited and looking forward to spending an evening with you this time! If he's really busy, he probably hasn't even stopped to think about it.

ToffeeWhirl · 30/03/2013 09:39

YANBU. He should make the effort to see you and he's being thoughtless. Awful if that's his DD he's missing out on too. I'm sorry.

Flisspaps · 30/03/2013 09:41

Hokey I think OP means her DD, her son's sister, not her son's DD. His DD lives in Turkey (that's what I read, anyway!)

maddening · 30/03/2013 09:42

I think you should have invited him rather than hope.

EmmelineGoulden · 30/03/2013 09:48

I'm guessing you've excused the fact he never came to visit while he was in London with the idea it was too far to travel. But now he's going to be close to you and you see he's prepared to make that trip in reverse to see his friends.

He never made that effort for you and you're feeling hurt. I don't blame you. It's pretty selfish of him, especially since he never bothers to visit you at other times. I gnereal expecting him to visit this particular weekend because you think it's more convenient for him is U, but given the situation YANBU, he sounds really ungrateful.

kungfupannda · 30/03/2013 09:53

YANBU

You must feel very sad about this. In the absence of any major family issue/rifts, I think it is terribly thoughtless for someone who lives abroad to not bother to visit his parents when he is not far away and could make time to do so.

He must surely realise that it will hurt them.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/03/2013 10:10

YANBU. Maybe ask him straight out if there is some reason he prefers not to spend time with you/family. He may have some issues that he hasn't discussed with you. He possibly loves when you visit him but has issues with the family dynamic at home. Perhaps he doesn't feel especially close to his dsis and would prefer to spend time with people he is close to? Perhaps he feels his friends can't afford to visit him but you can?
No harm in asking him anyway. Maybe he doesn't realise how much you would love to see him.

Original poster

thegreylady · 30/03/2013 10:58

Thanks for the input. Yes he knows how much we would love to see him-we were quite excited and asked when he could come over.He hasn't seen his sister and his two nephews for 3years though the talk regularly and are close.
The only reason he gave is that he is 'stressed' and wants to 'chill out' with his friend who lives on a boat in London.This will involve getting very drunk :)
He said on the phone to dd [his sister], "I have upset mum I think." They are very close-he gave her away when she got married having flown from Turkey for the only 2 days he could get off. His dd was bridesmaid at the wedding in 2005. There is a long and complex back story which would only give reasons why it is so incomprehensible that he doesn't want to come. I was widowed when he was 16.He loves my dh and one of dh's sons is among the friends he will see in london.
When I had cancer 6 years ago he flew over at once when I had my op.He regularly tells me he loves me but words are easy :(
I cant change things but for the first time since he was born I ccry instead of smile when I think of him.
It is not so much the fact that he isnt coming as the fact that he could but doesn't want to. Fwiw his lovely wife doesn't understand either.It seems to be nothing more complicated than a rather selfish desire to have fun with his pals instead of with his family.

OP posts:

HolidayHelen · 30/03/2013 11:04

I would be terribly hurt if I were you too :(

I'm sorry

Original poster

thegreylady · 30/03/2013 11:40

Just been chatting to him on fb.He is by the sea,in the sun with his wife and daughter and as happy as Larry [why is larry happy?] Neither of us mentioned the conference and I honestly think he hasn't a clue!!
I must have brought him up wrong in some way.He was the most loving,caring little boy and teenager especially afetr his dad died.He did so many lovely things and I have tried to show him in so many ways how much he is loved and appreciated but this has thrown me to be honest.
I will have to let it go though dd is also upset and angry.

OP posts:

EllenParsons · 30/03/2013 11:49

Aw OP I think YANBU, I see why you're upset. If I were the son I would defintely go for a visit with my parents and I know my mum would be really upset if I didnt or if I just seemed to not want to.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/03/2013 12:30

While I can understand that you are upset I can also understand that your DS sees this conference as his chance to see his friends and kick back and relax.

Relationships change over time including with relations.

We lived abroad for some years and found that we did grow apart from DM & DPiL. Our life experiences are so different.

While we feel family obligations and if there was need then we would be with family like a shot if there isnt need then we have other priorities for our time. I can understand that this doesnt suit my DM, she is retired and has lots of time on her hands. However, we are in our 40s and are time poor with jobs and teenage children.

Jengnr · 30/03/2013 13:30

I can see why you're upset, totally, but this is ONE TIME. You've said yourself he's used his only holidays to fly back and he's been there for you when you've needed him and is generally kind, loving and thoughtful.

The 'I cry rather than smile when I think of him' or 'I must have brought him up badly' is a massive overreaction here.

marriedinwhiteagain · 30/03/2013 13:57

You mention that he's stressed. May be he's going through a bad patch at home or at work that you don't know about and doesn't want you to see how stressed he is. I know I've avoided my own mother at those times for fear or worrying her or in the knowledge that she will not comprehend why I have been stressed. Perhaps there are "things" he needs to sort in his own time and way without you needing to know or pick up on what's worrying him.

I have read your posts and you are a lovely, very decent mum so I don't think there's any will to hurt you; but you expected him to come and he isn't and disappointment hurts. xxx

Original poster

thegreylady · 30/03/2013 14:12

Jen yes this is one time-it is also the only time he has been in easy travelling distance of us. Yes he came over when I had my cancer op but every other time he and his family have been [not at all for 3 years] I have paid half the fares.I lent him money to pay off his credit card bills and I paid off his student loan.I borrowed £5000 6 years ago to bail him out and I funded his Msc.
I really dot mind any of that- he is my son-he was broke and I could afford it-then.
He is now really well off and I am on a pension.He has never sent me a birthday or Christmas present although he does buy gifts if we are over there.
I didn't want to mention money and I don't care about that.I just don't fully understand why he doesn't want to see us more than he wants to see his friends-he could easily have had one evening/night here [Friday] and gone to London the next morning and had Saturday night with his friend then fly home on Sunday.
I'm glad I am NBU but I am still :( because I know I can't change anything.

OP posts:

EmmelineGoulden · 30/03/2013 15:26

OP you can't change anything if you aren't prepared to tell him. But have you considered having a frank conversation with him about how poor you find his behaviour? I don't mean wailing down the phone at him. I mean a short, matter of fact conversation in which you point out that you think it's a bit off for him to put so little effort into facilitating family relationships.

If he's told your sister he thought he upset you but it didn't make him think he should change his plans then an emotional play will probably not go down well, or if it does it will just be a short term change. But it might be he hasn't really thought about the emotion work that goes into his relationships with you and his sister, and, ironically, a bit of a telling off might remind him that he is no longer a child.

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