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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re my son

56 replies

thegreylady · 30/03/2013 09:07

My son is 42 and has lived and worked in Turkey for 19 years. He works for a huge multi national company in a managerial position. Every year he attends several conferences abroad one of which is in UK-usually London. While he is there he catches up with old friends in the evenings. We don't usually see him as it is too far from here.
This year the conference is in Liverpool which is only about 50 miles away and I was counting on seeing him at the weekend after the conference. However he has decided to go to London from Friday to Sunday to stay with a friend. This means he won't see me or dd and her family at all
Every year I have gone to visit him and when his dd was little I went twice a year. Last year I went over in July.
AIBU to think he could have come here on the Friday and then gone to London on Saturday to see his friend?
The conference is next weekend.

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SquinkieBunnies · 30/03/2013 15:37

I'd be very upset too, he's being a bit mean and could at least meet up for dinner before going off to see friends.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/03/2013 15:53

What do you want?

You cant make him want to visit you. If he doesnt want to visit you but is prepared to do it out of a sense of duty and that is what you wantthen either tell him or get your DD to tell him.

The huge geographical distance between you does have a massive impact on the family dynamic. We found that not having family around when DCs were small did make a big difference. We couldnt look to family to help out with even a single evening's babysitting. This meant that we coped on our own. It was our choice so isnt a complaint just stating a fact.

Distance may make the heart grow fonder in the short-term but in the long term it does just create more distance.

Original poster
thegreylady · 30/03/2013 16:26

No i dont want him to come because he 'has to'.I want him to want to and that's not for me to influence.A few minutes ago he emailedd my daughter-his sister to ask if we could all meet up for a meal in Liverpool one evening.I think we will do that though it will be a long way just for a meal.If he came here it would be a train to Crewe where I would meet him and take him back.We are a 40 minute drive from Crewe and about 90 minutes from centre of Liverpool.

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secretscwirrels · 30/03/2013 16:32

Oh I do feel for you. You can't win. If you tell him how you feel and he visits you will know it's under duress and neither of you will enjoy it.
It sounds like the meal is the best you are going to get. Is he staying overnight? Could you stay over as well?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/03/2013 16:32

Could you suggest meeting part way? Is there anywhere nice in Crewe (is there?) to meet up in for a meal?

Original poster
thegreylady · 30/03/2013 16:42

No his conference is in Liverpool and he is staying there in a hotel.
nowhere nice in Crewe as far as I know.I think I will just drive home.
I'll talk to him about it when I feel less emotional.I'll go over there later in the year to see dgd anyway.

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WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/03/2013 16:57

You are probably right about Crewe - I had a look on TripAdvisor after I posted and they only scraped two pages of restaurants and were already hitting "disappointing" by the bottom of the first page.

buildingmycorestrength · 30/03/2013 20:17

Honestly, I think sometimes adult children just don't think. I've been really thoughtless of my mum's feelings sometimes and I regret it so much.

I think it is totally fair enough to be put out and sad. Not sure how I would handle it, though. When people are being selfish they don't want to be reminded of it. But sometimes I wish my mum would be a bit more firm in setting expectations and just saying, 'But I'd love to see you, let's get together'.

Maybe you could tell him that you are unsure if you'd be able to travel so far for a meal, but that since you haven't seen him in x months you'd like to meet up closer to home, that you'd find it easier if he came to you on the Friday for a meal and then go down to his friend's on Saturday.

Original poster
thegreylady · 30/03/2013 20:57

I have had a long talk with him.He rang me shortly after I had been reading your posts. If he didn't know I was upset before he sure does now!
building you are right-I know I must have hurt my mum by being thoughtless too so maybe this is payback time. I am beginning to understand I think.I will meet him for lunch in Liverpool and all will be well.
I do love him and I know he loves me.He is a wonderful husband and father and has shown he can be a great son and brother too.
hey ho on we go...who said parenthood got easier? I remember once when he was two he cut his head badly on the corner of a table at mil's house and when I asked him what he had been doing he replied,"being squirrels!"I didn't really understand then either.

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RevoltingPeasant · 30/03/2013 22:00

Oh OP.

I'm sorry :(

I have spent most of my adult life in a separate country to my parents and even now live about 350 miles away from my mum. It is hard - I am in my early 30s, no DC yet, and sometimes life is just so hectic that I don't think. I love my mum, I am proud of her, and I do often talk/ think about her - but you know, you get up at 6, you have to be at work, busy all day, come home and the boiler needs sorting out or whatever, fall into bed exhausted at midnight without having had a second to yourself - and it's like it that all day, all week, for months on end, before you surface and realise that you haven't contacted someone for ages.

My mum always seems so busy with her own stuff that I presume she doesn't mind, but then recently she said jokingly that 'I'd been ignoring her' and I think she probably feels similarly to you.

I will contact her this weekend after reading this thread! But you know, I guess adult children can be as thoughtless as 4 yos. It doesn't mean they don't love you.

VBisme · 31/03/2013 12:11

I'm sorry he's hurt your feelings, I'm glad you've spoken to him.

You have reminded me to pick up the phone and call my mum. It's the first Easter that we won't be with them. Sad

Original poster
thegreylady · 31/03/2013 14:35

I'm so glad my thread has prompted some of you to call your mums. You will always be their children even if you have grown up children yourselves :-)

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marriedinwhiteagain · 31/03/2013 15:49

I did call my mum today but I wish she were more like you grey lady [busad]

auforfoulkesake · 31/03/2013 15:54
Sad I couldn't wouldnt talk to my mum last time she called .. Sad have tried to call her back but she is away. feel guilty.
YellowDinosaur · 31/03/2013 16:23

Is he flying into /out of London? This would explain why he is making the effort to see his friends there when he wouldn't come to you when he is there.

I really feel for you missing him and am glad you've sorted it out so you will see him even if it's not that convenient for you. I don't live a far from home as he does but i'm in the north East and grew up in the south east. When I used to go home and visit family I'd have a couple of friends who lived an hour or so away going 'lovely you can come and see us!' And I'd feel 'can't you make the effort too come and see me at my convenience when I've already travelled for an hour and my time is limited'. Maybe that is the issue?

If it will take you 40 mins to get to Crewe and presumably the same to then drive home that is only 10 mins less than it will be to drive to Liverpool. Also, next time he is in London, why not make the effort to go and see him one night - you could even stay in the same hotel and see him for breakfast in the morning too before heading home.

It sounds like you are a close family in all but distance.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 31/03/2013 16:39

Please Miss, took my DM out for lunch. Can I have my easter egg now? [buwink]

I'm afraid it is a duty visit but I do it with a light heart. She isnt well mentally or physically now so I hope that this gives her a bit of a lift.

thegreylady, perhaps the way forward is maintaining the relationship with your DGD. I know that my teenage DCs get a lot of pleasure out of their own visits with DM without DH & I there. The relationship is a lot simpler than mine with DM, there is no history.

Original poster
thegreylady · 31/03/2013 22:03

Nice choccy egg Worry [busmile]
I have seen my dd today and her brother [my ds] rang her last night very upset that he had upset me. We ended up feeling a bit sorry for him-honestly!
We will meet in Liverpool and we will stay close because although he is a thoughtless beggar he is my thoughtless beggar.
My dgd [photo on my profile] is very very beautiful and very Turkish.She speaks enough English to get by face to face but on the phone she is quite monosyllabic.That is why I have gone over there so often.I'll go in the Autumn I think.
Love's a funny old thing isn't it?
Last time he was in England [in Harlow] dh and I drove there just for lunch with him.
Thank you all very much for your support it is so good to talk to people detached from the situation it really helps get things in perspective.

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WorrySighWorrySigh · 31/03/2013 22:23

Perhaps your DGD will be able to make a trip to Britain herself at some point? We did this with our DD when she was around 11. She flew out and back with GPs and had a lovely time.

Original poster
thegreylady · 31/03/2013 22:28

I'd love that Worry.She is 13 now and very protected-she has cousins [step] here girls of 12 and 13 who would love her to come.I can't see her being allowed before she is 16 though.

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Kiriwawa · 31/03/2013 22:28

Gosh she really is very beautiful. And she has a lovely kind face too :)

I agree with Worry - I grew up in a different country from my grandparents and once I was a teenager, I loved going to stay with them on my own. That was when we really built a relationship - when I was a child, we didn't spend enough time together for that to be possible.

Invite her to come and visit :)

Original poster
thegreylady · 01/04/2013 09:50

Thanks Kiri she is a sweetheart. When she was six I was staying there and was I'll and instead of playing out she sat on the bed and read to me. She is very loving and caring but there is a language problem as she is less keen to use her English now than when she was little.
I will invite her and see if she has a fiend who could come with her.

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Original poster
thegreylady · 01/04/2013 09:51

Ill

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Original poster
thegreylady · 13/04/2013 08:46

Update
My son is in England at the moment. On Thursday my dd and I met him in Liverpool and he treated us to a lovely lunch and we had a long 'sort out' chat. He was very contrite and hadn't realised how much he had hurt me. He was very warm and loving and is planning on a family holiday in August with his wife and dd ,my dd and family and myself with my dh.
In the afternoon my ds-i-l brought my grandsons into Liverpool and my ds had brought gifts for them. Then we all went to the Maritime Museum which was great. Finally ds took me back to the station in a taxi while dd etc stayed in the museum. More talk, many hugs and ds are now fine. There was some tension early in the afternoon as I found it hard to move on but all is now resolved. Today my lovely dd is taking me for lunch and on Monday life returns to normal for us as ds will be back in Turkey :-)

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ToffeeWhirl · 13/04/2013 09:35

What a lovely update, op. I'm so glad you, your dd and your son have managed to talk it through and had such a good time. Your DS sounds like a good and loving man.

Hope you enjoy lunch with your DD today.

Smile
Original poster
thegreylady · 13/04/2013 10:50

Thanks Toffee :-) I felt it might be a bit daft to update but contributors to a thread often wonder about the outcome so I thought I should.

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