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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for one, simple, summary about all the angry SAHM threads.

460 replies

catinboots · 21/03/2013 22:26

Pleaseeee??

I haven't read them all - but there seem to be lots of SAHMs on here today, moaning that they won't eat help with child are costs.

Eh?

Have I missed some key piece of information? Have a got it wrong?

Surely the whole point of being a SAHP is so that you don't need childcare?..

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 21/03/2013 22:30

My thoughts exactly.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2013 22:30

Honestly, I wondered the same thing but it didn't take me more than about 15 mins to skim through and get a basic summary.

MissEleanorLavish · 21/03/2013 22:30

Isn't the argument that the changes that have been brought in - cuts to CB, new childcare scheme etc, basically make the SAH parent's role invisible and seemingly valueless?

MissEleanorLavish · 21/03/2013 22:31

The woman who had a go at Nick Clegg today said it better than me...

Original poster
catinboots · 21/03/2013 22:31

What's the summary then Worra? Grin

Who's right and who's wrong?

OP posts:
wannabeEostregoddess · 21/03/2013 22:33

I wondered this too.

Why do people care so much about others think? Why does it matter? Do whats best for your family and sod the rest.

Money isnt the only way to measure value.

ScottyDoc · 21/03/2013 22:36

The fact is, David Cameron and all the other slimy Conservatives couldn't give too much of a shite about SAHMs or anyone that isn't out there actively contributing to the economy .

Fine for him and his Prada clad wife with their nannies and various staff, comfortable homes and no reason ever to have to rely on a food bank.

We will all have to get over it though.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2013 22:39

Well there is no 'right and wrong'...just people arguing for and against Grin

But quite why SAHMs would need childcare is beyond me...in fact it's a bit of an oxymoron.

And I say that as a SAHM

montmartre · 21/03/2013 22:40

Society doesn't value carers- why else would carers be paid NMW?
It's 'women's work' therefore shouldn't be paid Hmm

wannabeEostregoddess · 21/03/2013 22:43

So now SAHMs want paid? Eh?

I dont particularly want to be, but when DP finds a job I will be a SAHM. I am applying for temp jobs atm because his earning potential is far bigger than mine. I would prefer to work but financially its not sensible.

I wont need childcare. If I work the govt will help with childcare. What is the issue?

Startail · 21/03/2013 22:45

I'm cross not at any one particular government bright idea.

I'm just fucked off that nothing acknowledges that some of us choose to bring up our own DCs and that should be accepted as a valid choice.

All tax, benefit, child benefit and other things should have the option of being considered according to household income!

Yes, I'm lucky to be a SAHM, but sometimes I also feel very very under appreciated by society.

I didn't intend not to work, but DD1 came along before AI had a career established and DH landed a reasonably paid job. No near by grandparents, schools with no before and after school care, one CM in the village and an older DD who wanted to escape her peer group at 3.20 as they bullied her meant I never did find a job. Sometimes this depresses me, when the government take my CB, which is the only money in my name it makes me vey very very fucking Angry

solveproblem · 21/03/2013 22:51

SAHM's are very highly valued in society by most people I would say.

What I don't understand is why you would need the government to validate your lifestyle choice by helping you out financially?

You either choose to stay at home, in which case I would assume you can afford to have one person not working.

Or you're looking for work but can't find one, in which case you'll get jsa, housing benefit, tax credits etc.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2013 22:54

Yes, I'm lucky to be a SAHM, but sometimes I also feel very very under appreciated by society

What appreciation does society owe you though?

I've been a SAHM for longer than I can remember and it's never once occurred to me to seek appreciation from anyone other than my DH Confused

You have your kids, you make your choices.

Sometimes those choices can be difficult and sometimes there is no choice at all.

But wtf does it have to do with 'society'?

Original poster
catinboots · 21/03/2013 22:58

Well I appreciate you Worra. Have a sticker. It's a gold one. Grin

Can I have one for being a WOHM please?

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 21/03/2013 23:00

I am a SAHM and the only thing that ever made me cross was, if I had kept my job, gone on maternity leave, and gone back to work for the few months before I would have started my next mat leave (3 babies in 4 years) I would have got maternity pay and whatever else was going, but because I gave up work to be a SAHM I got fuck all. No SMP, no mat pay, nothing. It just irks me somehow sometimes. DH and I chose to "struggle" a bit financially, so that I could stay at home to look after the DCS, and we were quite happy to make the necessary adjustments to out lifestyle, and also pleased and grateful that we were able to do so - we were ok for money on his wage, and although not well off, could afford to provide the essentials and get by without us both having to work.
It is much more annoying to be referred to as "a problem" by that stupid woman MP and to be continually discounted as even a person by the previous Govt and the present one, as though I am somehow a burden, or not pulling my weight because I don't go to work to earn the money to pay it all to someone else to mind my children Confused and that I can't transfer my personal tax allowance to DH (or even that he doesn't get a "married person" allowance as he would have years ago) - it just feels like a SAHP of either gender is the lowest of the low nowadays :(
I also don't get the "free child care" bit of a 3 yr old going to nursery. I never ever thought of it like that (although that may well be because I didn't need childcare) I thought of it as their first steps on the road to school, and learning how to act/react in a classroom/to teachers and the other children. I just never registered the difference not having to pay the extortionate costs for those few hours, and how much difference it made in people's family budgets.
It seems so bloody unfair that some couples who would love to have one of them stay at home just can't afford it if they want to keep the roof over their heads and food on the table, it must be heartbreaking :( and any Govt assuming that all parents want is to be able to leave the DCs and head out to work, is misguided and completely missing the point!

HotCrossWeaselInSinisterBonnet · 21/03/2013 23:02

Oh I am so glad you started this thread. I kept wandering if I was supposed to be angry about something and was missing out. Now I see I'm not missing anything.

quesadilla · 21/03/2013 23:02

Yeah I don't get it and I'm a working mum so maybe will get flamed: but it strikes me lots of people do things that are valued by society (teachers/scientists/charity workers) without their wotk having to be validated through the benefits or tax system. I think SAHMs deserve respect from society. But the whole point about childcare is its bloody expensive and if you are at home with your kids you don't need it. What more, exactly, do they want?

firesideskirt · 21/03/2013 23:03

It's the way the message was conveyed by the government.

Not "this voucher scheme is intended to help parents who wish to return to work with the often prohibitive cost of childcare"

But "this government wants to help people who want to work hard and get on"

ie you lazy SAHMs drinking tea and sitting on your bums all day, why haven't you got a fancy career like Mrs G-Clegg or Mrs Cameron?

HotCrossWeaselInSinisterBonnet · 21/03/2013 23:04

I don't need a medal btw. I'm cool.

montmartre · 21/03/2013 23:09

Ooh hotcrossweasel... did you used to be a leetle beet foreign?

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2013 23:11

Hmm I'm not sure I can go around giving out stickers willy nilly OP Grin

aldiwhore · 21/03/2013 23:14

Perhaps household income benefits would solve the problem?

Been both a SAHP and a working parent, my value is the same. Our household income is pretty much the same, our expenditure has increased.

A household income tax break would be fairer... (or if the household income is low, a household tax credit).

Then it wouldn't be an issue who is working and who is staying at home.

If one person on an average wage could support the average household (after tax) with the basics of an average life, then people would have real choice surely? People could then choose for one adult to SAH (because for many it is actually incredibly important, there's nothing WRONG with believing that a child is better off with one parent pre school age, and nothing wrong with decent childcare either, but the UK is supposed to be free no?) , or both work for a bit more luxury. A single parent could afford to keep a roof over their heads without having to go cap in hand for benefits.

How would I pay for this? Probably cut the war budgets, seeing as I don't agree with most of the ones we're involved in anyway and feel they've done more harm than good and are at best a pointless waste of bloody good soldiers who deserve more respect than to be sent to a desert to shoot 'ragheads' (not my phrase) when actually the ONE sure way to make people hate you is to kill their families... excuse me. That should save a few BILLION for home.

landofsoapandglory · 21/03/2013 23:17

I would have liked some sort of tax allowance, or tax code, that I could have transferred over to DH to give us a little bit extra when our DC were younger. We made massive sacrifices when our children were small for me to be a SAHM. We had no family nearby as back up childcare should we have needed it and we felt it was better that our DC were looked after by one of us.

There aren't enough jobs or childcare places for every woman to go back to work. SAHM's are undervalued. It would be nice, just for once, for a Governement, any Government to recognise the job that they do.

HotCrossWeaselInSinisterBonnet · 21/03/2013 23:18

Are you referring to my lack of lederhosen?

montmartre · 21/03/2013 23:21

Ah sorry, thought you were a different poster! (Fr name)

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