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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to refuse to support DPs sister financially?

59 replies

Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 19:48

DP and I both work full time, but not flush by any stretch of the imagination.

Mil is an addict and claims benefits including child benefit, tax credits etc for DPs younger sister, who lives with and is financially supported by another family member, which is obviously not declared.

We help out quite a lot practically, but for while now this family member has been hinting more and more that we should start paying for the upkeep of DPs sister.

We would never see her go without, but we both agree that the general attitude of the wider family is enabling mil to stay in the ditch she is in.

AIBU to refuse to make any financial commitment towards this situation until the benefit fraud stops?

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 17/03/2013 19:49

Of course YANBU.

Loulybelle · 17/03/2013 19:50

YANBU, and your right, they are just enabling her.

I have a little sister, i treat her but i would never be financially responsible for her.

YouTheCat · 17/03/2013 19:50

How about they put in a claim for CB?

Earlybird · 17/03/2013 19:51

How old is the sister?

Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 19:53

They refuse to claim themselves as they feel they'll be picking up the bill elsewhere and i suppose it's easier to be giving money to a child than it is to someone to be spent on drugs.

Which I can understand But it still feels like banging your head against a brick wall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 19:53

She's 16

OP posts:
Earlybird · 17/03/2013 19:55

Rather than figuring out how to give money for little sister's upkeep, think I'd be considering if there is a way little sister could live with another family member so she'd be in a healthier situation. It must be beyond grim to be a child living with an addict. Would that be a possibility?

Is the little sister's father in the picture?

Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 19:59

Sorry I don't think I've been clear. She already lives away from her mum with the other family member, has done for a good long time and shes happy there. Father isn't around consistently so can't really rely on him, CSA is still paid to her mother despite the fact he's aware of the situation.

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 17/03/2013 20:03

Ahhh so thats the fraud the bit, shes claiming for a child who doesnt live with her.

CloudsAndTrees · 17/03/2013 20:04

If these family members choose not to claim the money that already exists for the benefit if this child, as in maintenance and CB, then they have no right to expect you to make up the shortfall.

It's up to them if they choose not to claim, but then it's down to them to deal with the consequences.

Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 20:05

Exactly.

It has crossed my mind to report it but I wouldn't do it without DP agreeing, and he doesn't.

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 17/03/2013 20:08

Thats fine, but you shouldnt have to pay for what they wont do, treat her yes, help raise her financially certainly not.

RainbowsFriend · 17/03/2013 20:08

Is there a reason why they don't want the CB etc transferred to them?

Toasttoppers · 17/03/2013 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Earlybird · 17/03/2013 20:09

Not saying you should contribute financially to the upkeep of little sister, but she is in this situation because of her terrible family situation. it is not of her own making (to state the obvious). Do you have a rough idea of how much this family member would like you/dp to contribute, and how frequently?

Is this other family member (who is looking after little sister) struggling financially?

AryaStarksDancingMaster · 17/03/2013 20:10

YANBU - you need to say that the money for this child's upkeep is currently being spent by MiL on substance abuse and if you contribute financially you would feel that you were effectively funding MiLs addiction. You are absolutely corect that the benefit fraud has to stop. If the other relative starts getting all the CB and other credits that they are entitled to as the child's main carer, and are not passing any of it back to MiL but are still struggling, then it might be reasonable to contribute a bit. But not till then. Supporting DP's sister is a reasonable thing to do IF all other avenues of funding are being properly used and there is still a serious need and you can spare a little bit without causing harm to your own family - blood is blood after all.

Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 20:17

RainbowsFriend I haven't managed to get a straight answer on that, but I do think it's because it's easier to provide for the innocent child thank hand money over for drugs, which I have no doubt she would do. I know she is already contributing to mils bills.

Earlybird the relative does not seem to be struggling financially and is open enough to tell us if she was.

We do contribute towards things like school shoes, trips etc on an ad hoc basis but I'm not really prepared to make a regular commitment until things are straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 20:20

It should be said as well that we're not in a position at the moment to make any substantial contributions- else we'd have children of our own!

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 17/03/2013 20:24

I was going to come in and say that perhaps there is another way of supporting her such as funding school trips or uniforms, but I see that you're already doing that. I don't think YABU to expect that the relative claim the money she is entitled to claim to support this girl. Surely you could make an anonymous call to the benefits office to get them to investigate? They wouldn't have to know who dobbed them in. Could his sister get herself some part time work to help pay for some of her extras (cinema trips, clothes, etc)?

Earlybird · 17/03/2013 20:25

To get this straight - the relative who is raising little sister is also contributing financially to MIL's upkeep? In addition to MIL receiving benefit money she is not entitled to?

INeedThatForkOff · 17/03/2013 20:28

Poor girl Sad

Original poster
Guiltcity · 17/03/2013 20:33

Earlybird correct.

midnitescribbler I've suggested this myself but can't see it happening. She's actually indulged quite a bit by the relative to the point of being a bit spoiled, but I do struggle to see that as a bad thing with her situation taken into account.

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 17/03/2013 20:33

I would be honest. The relative starts claiming all the money, and if they then want to hand over their own money to an addict that is their problem. Then, and only then will you make a regular arrangement to help support the girl. But the current situation is not acceptable. The money is for the child, not for an addict to chuck away.

ENormaSnob · 17/03/2013 20:44

Yanbu at all.

lastSplash · 17/03/2013 20:47

I don't know how desperate your MIL would get if she was no longer receiving the benefits - she could potentially insist her daughter move back in with her so she could continue claiming the money, which sounds like a worse situation than now. I can totally understand why the relative does not want to rock the boat with the mother, and is just trying to bring the daughter up in a normal, stable environment.

I can also see that the relative might think that, given the support they are providing the girl by having her live with them, some regular financial support from you and your partner might not be too cheeky to suggest.

Not saying what you should or should not to, just that I don't think it is clearcut and there is no great option in this bad situation.

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