...to refuse to support DPs sister financially?

[Guiltcity]

DP and I both work full time, but not flush by any stretch of the imagination.

Mil is an addict and claims benefits including child benefit, tax credits etc for DPs younger sister, who lives with and is financially supported by another family member, which is obviously not declared.

We help out quite a lot practically, but for while now this family member has been hinting more and more that we should start paying for the upkeep of DPs sister.

We would never see her go without, but we both agree that the general attitude of the wider family is enabling mil to stay in the ditch she is in.

AIBU to refuse to make any financial commitment towards this situation until the benefit fraud stops?

[Guiltcity]

I needed to hear these opinions to make sure I wasn't reacting purely on my feelings towards mil.

This woman has damaged my DP and his sister so much and continues to cause hurt even now. She has stolen from us, lied to us and emotionally blackmailed us and it all feels like it's coming to a head.

[Cosmosim]

Sounds to me like as long as mil gets the benefit money in, she's placated. If the relative were to officially foster the girl, MIL would fight tooth/nail to keep the daughter just so she gets to keep the money. Hence why relative is reluctant to fight the battle that will only leave the poor girl in a worse situation. She's his sister. He needs to help for next two years. Then the situation will be over (no more £ for MIL).

[ddubsgirl]

i think helping buy stuff is better than handing cash over,so you know the sis is getting use of it,you are doing more than many would! my own family only bothered with me as my dad paid them to look after me not because i was thier sister :( be there for his sis,love her and support her,thats worth far more than cash.

[Earlybird]

guiltcity - this is such a difficult situation to watch and/or be involved with.

How old is your dp's Mum? How is her health? Any significant medical scares/incidents?

Asking as there is a cumulative health effect as a result of long term abuse (obviously). Often people who abuse themselves regularly reach a point where their bodies simply can't endure - and it can happen at a surprisingly young age. Once things start going wrong physically, they often don't have the health/resilience to recover well (if at all) - especially if they continue to abuse their substance of choice.

[Guiltcity]

ddubsgirl sound advice. I think it's another result of her family situation but she's very hard to get through to, talk about feelings etc. although I did get a hug off her last week which made my day!

earlybird she avoids medical appointments like the plague so we wouldn't know. She's early 50s, DP and his sister have different fathers so that's another obstacle, and she looks terrible. Her nose is wrecked, and she doesn't take care of herself physically. She's so good at putting on her face and acting like nothing is wrong, it's infuriating.

[ddubsgirl]

a hug is a hug its a start trust me it means alot ;) just be there for her,let her know you are there for her but no pressure,be a sister,do some girly things together maybe? spend time even if just a dvd night,it means the world,all 16 yr olds think they know it all,remember being that age? dont mother her,she has someone doing that,even if its not her blood mother.

[Yfronts]

It's your mothers responsibility, not yours.

[Yfronts]

CSA must go to the carers of the child actually. The childs father and mother hold responsibility to find extra money at the end of the day

[Guiltcity]

yfronts she's not my mother thank god!