...to refuse to support DPs sister financially?

[Guiltcity]

DP and I both work full time, but not flush by any stretch of the imagination.

Mil is an addict and claims benefits including child benefit, tax credits etc for DPs younger sister, who lives with and is financially supported by another family member, which is obviously not declared.

We help out quite a lot practically, but for while now this family member has been hinting more and more that we should start paying for the upkeep of DPs sister.

We would never see her go without, but we both agree that the general attitude of the wider family is enabling mil to stay in the ditch she is in.

AIBU to refuse to make any financial commitment towards this situation until the benefit fraud stops?

[Guiltcity]

yfronts she's not my mother thank god!

[Yfronts]

CSA must go to the carers of the child actually. The childs father and mother hold responsibility to find extra money at the end of the day

[Yfronts]

It's your mothers responsibility, not yours.

[ddubsgirl]

a hug is a hug its a start trust me it means alot ;) just be there for her,let her know you are there for her but no pressure,be a sister,do some girly things together maybe? spend time even if just a dvd night,it means the world,all 16 yr olds think they know it all,remember being that age? dont mother her,she has someone doing that,even if its not her blood mother.

[Guiltcity]

ddubsgirl sound advice. I think it's another result of her family situation but she's very hard to get through to, talk about feelings etc. although I did get a hug off her last week which made my day!

earlybird she avoids medical appointments like the plague so we wouldn't know. She's early 50s, DP and his sister have different fathers so that's another obstacle, and she looks terrible. Her nose is wrecked, and she doesn't take care of herself physically. She's so good at putting on her face and acting like nothing is wrong, it's infuriating.

[Earlybird]

guiltcity - this is such a difficult situation to watch and/or be involved with.

How old is your dp's Mum? How is her health? Any significant medical scares/incidents?

Asking as there is a cumulative health effect as a result of long term abuse (obviously). Often people who abuse themselves regularly reach a point where their bodies simply can't endure - and it can happen at a surprisingly young age. Once things start going wrong physically, they often don't have the health/resilience to recover well (if at all) - especially if they continue to abuse their substance of choice.

[ddubsgirl]

i think helping buy stuff is better than handing cash over,so you know the sis is getting use of it,you are doing more than many would! my own family only bothered with me as my dad paid them to look after me not because i was thier sister :( be there for his sis,love her and support her,thats worth far more than cash.

[Cosmosim]

Sounds to me like as long as mil gets the benefit money in, she's placated. If the relative were to officially foster the girl, MIL would fight tooth/nail to keep the daughter just so she gets to keep the money. Hence why relative is reluctant to fight the battle that will only leave the poor girl in a worse situation. She's his sister. He needs to help for next two years. Then the situation will be over (no more £ for MIL).

[Guiltcity]

I needed to hear these opinions to make sure I wasn't reacting purely on my feelings towards mil.

This woman has damaged my DP and his sister so much and continues to cause hurt even now. She has stolen from us, lied to us and emotionally blackmailed us and it all feels like it's coming to a head.

[ddubsgirl]

Fraud is fraud the mother would have to pay it back somehow,morally the person looking after your sil is doing a wonderful thing but legally it's all wrong :( so do you keep shut about it sil is 16 not much ss would do now and unless sil goes to college etc the money will stop soon at most till she's 18/19

[Guiltcity]

Earlybird we've not been able to get we into any type of therapy or help. She's been like this for years but has got worse over the last 3-4 years. Despite having lost her home, job and relationships she is still in complete denial and is very good at putting a mask on when she needs to.

Grinkly she's very intelligent and has been doing fantastically well at school since being settled with relative. We're hoping that between us we can support her to get her to Uni.

ddubsgirl sorry to hear you had such a time of it. That would be a concern as well, should she be ordered to pay the benefits back, it would be the relative who footed the bill no doubt.

[ddubsgirl]

My dad got in to trouble while I was in foster care for still claiming cb for me and when I was 16 and living on my own really pretty much from age of 11-16 he shouldn't have got it as I was hardly at home :( and he got a massive bill asking for it back,dp sis is 16 law is this years yr 11's have to stay on for 1 yr of college training course etc if she's not money will stop anyway you are all enabling the mothers drug habit by allowing this to carry on :(

[Grinkly]

If DP's DS is 16 what is going to happen in the future? Is she able to work, go to college or whatever.

In a couple of years some of the benefits will stop anyway due to her age so I would let things rest as they are.

[Earlybird]

How long has your dp's sister been living with this relative? Has the addict behaviour of her Mum been a factor her entire life? Has Mum ever seriously tried to detox and go without her substance of choice?

[Guiltcity]

I agree. If it was my family I would have gone to the relevant people a log while ago but DPs family are very tight knit as well as being dysfunctional and I do feel it has to be his decision. If I felt his sister was unsafe or being neglected in any way I would have been on it like a shot, the fact that she is happy and secure now makes things more complicated iyswim

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

YANBU

I know it's a cliche but it is true sometimes that if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. It will end up doing more harm than good to enable this situation to continue

[seriouscakeeater]

Hi, I agree with dontmind MIL is defiantly being enabled here and her children are protecting her rather than dd . I would refuse to pay untill MIL stops receiving illegal benefits and gets help.
Good luck with this one x

[HollyBerryBush]

At 16 I doubt SS will care very much, that's my professional experience, no one seems to care once they get to that age.

[Guiltcity]

*the family don't

[Guiltcity]

I think that some sort of intervention would be the best thing possible, but the family aren't, that's the problem.

[Guiltcity]

I am aware that it's illegal, but it's also quite difficult to prove.

If we did report it, it wouldn't surprise me if the relative denied it completely.

[ErikNorseman]

Why are you trying to avoid social services? They aren't likely to want to take your sil out of her family's care, and they may be able to help with advice re residence orders and financial support (not from them, but info/signposting).

[ErikNorseman]

Yes the school would certainly be obliged to share it, if they had all the details.

[ErikNorseman]

Something that makes the whole thing even more complicated is that it's quite hush hush that she doesn't live at home. The relative lives close by so it's quite easy to make out to everyone, school etc, that she just stays with the relative often

Are you aware that this arrangement is illegal? It's a private fostering agreement that should be declared to the local authority within a month of the child moving.

[Guiltcity]

And if the child is in a safe environment there would be little reason to remove her from it I suppose?