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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

alcolohic mother relapsed - should I be angry or supportive?

59 replies

funnymummy9 · 02/03/2013 18:20

Okay so here's the story, I'm 16 (& before you ask, this aint my account - just didn't know where to turn to)

So my mum's been a heavy alcoholic for about 5 years, we fought, we argued everything imaginable and 3 weeks ago she went through a detox, everything had been going well, we were happy & smiling and saving up for a holiday. I knew it was very early days but nothing could have prepared me for this today.

She came in today and she was steaming and had a bottle of bacardi and I didn't know how to react so I shouted, swore and screamed at her in floods of tears and poured her alcohol down the drain.

She's told me she hates me but I hope she'll thank me in the morning.

I just didn't know how to react, I'm heartbroken, I don't know whether to be angry or support her and I feel like it's all my fault:( someone help me? Your opinions would be appreciated...

OP posts:
Schlock · 02/03/2013 18:22

It's not your fault and shouting at her will do nothing to help, today, because she won't be thinking straight.

Do you have support other than her? Could you stay somewhere else tonight?

lljkk · 02/03/2013 18:22

So sorry to read this, my mom was alcoholic too.
You are not a saint, do not feel guilty for being unsupportive.
Being angry unlikely to help, either, but don't feel guilty about being angry, either.
Where is your dad, can he help? Any other sane relatives you can turn to?

TheChaoGoesMu · 02/03/2013 18:23

I think its ok to be angry and support her at the same time. It must be pretty tough on you. Do you have anyone in rl to support you?

NynaevesSister · 02/03/2013 18:23

Been there. Contact Al-anon. For relatives of alcoholics. They know exactly what you are going through and will be able to give you the info and help you need.

DeepRedBetty · 02/03/2013 18:24

My blood is boiling that you're having to deal with this. First a bit of background - are you alone? Do you have a dad/does your mum have a partner? Do you have siblings? Have you had contact with AlAnon? Oh god so many questions... but these are all things that can help target advice.

Original poster
funnymummy9 · 02/03/2013 18:24

My dad doesn't care, and I don't wanna leave her, she's a state. :/

OP posts:
DeepRedBetty · 02/03/2013 18:25

And so busy asking questions forgot to say NO IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!!

Schlock · 02/03/2013 18:26

Funny - it's not your responsibility to look after her, in fact by doing so you will be enabling her to some extent. Are you planning on staying up all night making sure she keeps breathing?? If not then I would suggest that you go elsewhere if possible and leave her to it - and whatever mess she makes - to see in the morning. She has to see the consequences for herself. Waking up wondering where the hell you are would be a start and might shock her into action.

Original poster
funnymummy9 · 02/03/2013 18:26

And I've never heard of Al-anon. I have 3 younger siblings but me & the second one are closer in age. I've sent the 2 youngest up to my aunts for tonight. My mum's partner's in jail for assaulting her and a minor (me) I just don't know what to do! :(

OP posts:
cheeseandchive · 02/03/2013 18:27

I agree with Nynaeves, try and get help and support from a professional organisation and people in real life who can help.

I've never been through anything like this but would very much like to provide any support I can on here, sure others do too.

Feel free to keep posting if you want to talk more

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 02/03/2013 18:27

Oh I'm sorry to hear this. I grew up in a family like this. All I can say really is that I doubt very much that she will thank you sadly. Alcoholics put the booze before everything.

Did the detox place do anything with families? Do you have any support from them yourself?

Of course you will be angry and sad. And its right to feel that. But ultimately its pointless being angry at your mum. They're in the power of an addiction that is so hard to escape from.

As much as possible you need to not let it affect you. (ok. Almost impossible). But if I look back now the one thing I wish gr that I'd done normal 16 year old things, and gone out with friends and watched films etc. Too much of my energy physical and emotional was taken up caring for my mum and its taken me until now to really detach from that.

Only your mum can choose to stop. Late night discussions and conversations make no difference. Pouring out booze makes no difference. Its such a horrid thing to live with I'm happy to support in any way I can.

DeepRedBetty · 02/03/2013 18:28

x posted.

When you say your dad doesn't care, is he actually around, living with you?

Agree with NynaevesSister btw, please get in touch with AlAnon, sadly you are not the only teenage child trying to cope with an alcoholic parent.

Is there any other family member you can stay with instead of her if she continues to be fallen off the wagon?

NewAtThisMalarky · 02/03/2013 18:28

Oh you poor thing :(. 16 is no age to be dealing with stuff like this. Of course it's not your fault, you didn't cause this problem.

Do you have anywhere else you can go? Relatives, friends? I know that I would absolutely give shelter to any of my teenage children's friends if they were going through something like this, and I wouldn't think twice about it.

Please don't blame yourself. Your mum has a problem, and you can't solve it for her - she needs to do this for herself.

lljkk · 02/03/2013 18:29

You can't win by trying to fix her.
The best you can do is limit the damage she does to you.
That is not selfish, it's making the best of a bad situation.
Are there any friends you & your sibling could go stay with? Friends with sensible parents who you trust to listen to & advise you?

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 02/03/2013 18:29

Sorry to see you having to deal with this at such a young age :(

Perhaps let her sleep it off this eve/tonight and let yourself feel all those emotions you're experiencing. Talk to her about it when she is sober and I reiterate the advice to phone AA for relatives.

LayMizzRarb · 02/03/2013 18:29

So sorry to hear you are going through this.
You can offer your mum all the support in the world, but she has to support herself too. You CANNOT do all the work, and if she has a drink it is no reflection on your level of support.
Do you have any relations, or can you speak to the person whose account this is? (Assuming its not your mums)
You have made a brilliant start by posting on here, I hope that we can be of help and support to you.

NewAtThisMalarky · 02/03/2013 18:30

Sorry, cross posted, I see you don't want to leave her. Is there anyone that could stay with you to give you support, help you if you need it?

Original poster
funnymummy9 · 02/03/2013 18:30

Thank you so much, I don't intend on sitting up all night, I've put up with a drunken parent for a good part of my life, by look after her I mean, make sure she doesn't set the place on fire or fall down the stairs...

OP posts:
CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 02/03/2013 18:31

You might be able to access support through young carers in your area. Can you google your area and young carers?

Also are you at school or college? They ought to know and its worth asking for counselling to help. That's something I wish I'd had and is now more commonly available.

DeepRedBetty · 02/03/2013 18:31

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen

This is the bit of AlAnon specifically for your age group.

Any chance you and your other sister/brother could also go to your aunties?

DeepRedBetty · 02/03/2013 18:32

gah xposted again!

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 02/03/2013 18:33

Al anon is great but volunteer led and patchy in areas. Its a support group which is fine but won't offer advice and at 16 something like young carers might be better placed to help.

Maryz · 02/03/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schlock · 02/03/2013 18:35

Ok, so you want to stay to make sure she doesn't burn the house down which is a valid fear. Is there an adult who could come and sit with you for the evening? Try not to get drawn into any arguments with her (pointless and possibly dangerous in her current state) and let her sleep wherever she passes out. If that happens to be on the kitchen floor then leave her there. If she wakes up all cosy in bed in the morning she almost certainly will pretend like nothing happened because she's unlikely to remember anything beyond the first few drinks.

And do google al anon, or alateen (not so many groups for teenagers in the UK unfortunately) to see if you can find a live chatroom for advice from those who know their stuff. Or keep talking here Smile

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 02/03/2013 18:35

Alateen won't give advice. They are a great way to find mutual support if in your asda but there really are very few groups (unless you're in London).

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