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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MILs should start a support group

72 replies

atthewelles · 07/02/2013 12:36

Some of the poor things can't do right for doing wrong.

If they stand back and give the mum space they're 'ignoring their DGC'.
If they get involved they're 'trying to take over'.

If they buy a present it's 'too expensive', 'too cheap', 'inappropriate', 'more clutter'.
If they don't buy a present they're 'mean', 'uncaring', 'totally disinterested'.

If they offer to help around the house they're 'interfering'.
If they don't offer to help they're 'in the way'.

Jeeze, who'd be a MIL?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 07/02/2013 12:37

Whilst I'm looking forward to hopefully having grandchildren in the future, I'm dreading being a MIL

thegreylady · 07/02/2013 12:39

Well I like being a MIL but will gladly join a support group.My DIL is Turkish and there are cultural eggshells to walk on sometimes :) but I love her dearly.
My two step dils are lovely and I consider them friends.

thegreylady · 07/02/2013 12:40

To add I am also MIL to a delightful bloke :) We have SILs as well as DILs.

Original poster
atthewelles · 07/02/2013 12:43

Maybe the should have 'Grandmumsnet'.

"I popped into my DILS yesterday on my way home from the shops, just to say hello to DGC. My DS has now rung me and said DIL is very upset as I didn't ring first and book an appointment.
AIBU to feel hurt and sad?"

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 07/02/2013 12:45

Whats the difference to Grandmumsnet (that doesn't exist) and Gransnet (that does) Confused

FellatioNels0n · 07/02/2013 12:45

I agree. I know some MILs are mad cowbags, but if MN is honestly some DILs do seem to go out of their way to find things to get arsey about. They expect MILs to be psychic as well.

FellatioNels0n · 07/02/2013 12:46

sorry - if MN is anything to go by

Softlysoftly · 07/02/2013 12:51

My mum always said she was happy to have 4 girls as son in laws are easier. She also made sure we all made good daughter in laws .

I always thought she was a bit silly about it but seeing mn, hearing my friends talk and personal experience of my bils new bat shit wife has made me reconsider.

I am now glad to have 2 girls Grin so YANBU

forgetmenots · 07/02/2013 12:52

If they are MILs who can genuinely say with their hands on heart that they have always been respectful of their child and their partner, I'm all for it. I think people are too quick to judge MILs in general and I would love it if the kinds of things you describe were the kind of thing that upset me about MIL - it would be bloody normal.

If though it's a space for abusive mares like my MIL to cry crocodile tears whilst continuing to be an abuser, then count me out! I do get a bit prickly when well-meaning people talk about MIL or grandparent rights, there are some who are cut out for their families lives for very, very good reasons.

Original poster
atthewelles · 07/02/2013 13:02

I do understand that forget. I just feel sorry for the MILs who are the subjects of some of the complaints on here from DILs who sound totally precious and up themselves. I picture these poor women having to constantly walk on egg shells to avoid saying or doing something that will upset these prima donnas.

OP posts:
boschy · 07/02/2013 13:04

16 years ago I would have agreed with you OP. HOWEVER, perhaps PIL could remember that treating the DGC of one of their children better than the DGC of their other child is more than likely to cause some form of resentment/detachment. You makes your bed and you lies in it...

forgetmenots · 07/02/2013 13:22

Definitely agree with that atthewelles, hope we all think what it's like to be an MIL before making judgements like that. Have to say my own bad MIL experience has made me almost overly critical of my own DM when she's with SIL. Luckily they get on great (both sane and lovely people) but after being on MN it is a worry!

Mytimewillcome · 07/02/2013 13:33

I don't think they need a support group. Most have their husbands and sons as their cheerleaders. I think that is enough support. You obviously haven't been in a bad situation. There are alot that have and sometimes the only support we get is here.

PleasePudding · 07/02/2013 13:36

I'm sure it's tough being a MIL sometimes. I think it is probably the toughest formalised relationship going.

However I think YABU because some MILs are nightmares and manipulative pains in the arse and whenever anyone comes on here to rant about question their MILs behaviour there is always at least 50% of posters who tell them to suck it up and it's the grandparents job to spoil children. So they're already very well represented. Why, why, why is it the grandparents job to spoil children - I just don't get it. .

purrpurr · 07/02/2013 13:41

I think we should get rid of the acronym 'MIL'. It seems instantly synonymous with an interfering old cow bag.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 07/02/2013 13:42

atthewelles I'm a DIL and I really love my MIL, so have hope! She drives me bonkers sometimes - but she is not malicious so what is there to get upset about? We're a pretty chilled out couple so I'm sure that helps.

The ONLY thing that really annoys me is people visiting without calling to say, 'Hey, I was going to pop round.' My MIL does that sometimes and it does get on my nerves. You don't need to make an appointment - don't be so dramatic - but courtesy is appreciated. I could be, you know, flicking the bean or something! I don't rock up unannounced, so please don't do it to me. Just give me some warning! Wink

Whocansay · 07/02/2013 13:44

I'm a MIL in waiting. I'm dreading it. I simply don't understand some of the threads about MILs "oh, she lets herself into my house when I'm at work and does all my washing and cleaning AND THEN she has the cheek to want to look after my children!".

I would rip my arm off for a MIL who's that helpful. Grrr.

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/02/2013 13:48

I only have a son, who's 17 and has his first serious girlfriend.
I dread being a MIL, if threads on here are anything to go by.
As you said so succinctly Op, they can't do right for doing wrong.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 07/02/2013 13:49

Whocansay If my MIL let herself into our home to do the washing and cleaning it would be insulting to say the least! To me that is not helpful - that's being a busy body.

MyDarlingClementine · 07/02/2013 13:55

In the more serious anguished posts, MILS have the same traits in common, usually being over bearing, undermining and dominate thier sons and usually have a weak husband in tow.

The DILS in these cases have a heart and can't cope with living a half life anymore where they feel trampled upon simply for marrying a man with a mother like this.

I think YAnBU and a MIL support group should be set up - however I am sure most of them that joined banish images of the conference of WITCHES in the film The Witches taking off thier face masks and wigs and shoes would the not be the worst ones, because its the worst ones who are ridgid and wont listens to anyone elses opinion.

MyDarlingClementine · 07/02/2013 13:57

Angel - if my DM let herself into my home to clean, she would be doing it with the right and kindest intentions of helping a busy mum with her hands full.

If my MIL let herself in, it would be because I can't clean a house to a satisfactory standard like she can, because I am a lesser being who, needs alot of help.

RandallPinkFloyd · 07/02/2013 13:59

Not unless you're going to start a DIL support group too.

MIL's aren't one homogenous mass of reasonableness. Neither are DIL's. They're just people.

It's massively unfair to make one side always right and one side always wrong.

Every single situation is different. If you cant view something objectively it isn't remotely helpful to either side to comment.

This is Mumsnet therefore you are likely to get more DIL's perspectives. If you go to Gransnet you'll likely get more MIL's perspectives.

Plus you're only ever going to see threads on here about families that don't get along. It not representative of the majority of families because its highly unlikely a poster will start a thread on here to sound off against their lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 07/02/2013 14:01

I'm probably going to be one (have two boys).

I'm making a list of things I am not going to do, when it happens.

I'm not going to invite myself on holiday with my sons and DILs.

Neither am I going to invite extra guests to their very small weddings without asking.

And when they get home from hospital with their first baby, having spent a week in SCBU, I am not going to arrive for a week's visit that very day and sit on their sofa expecting cups of tea and all meals provided.

I reckon that will help.

My own mother does the interfering thing - she doesn't let herself into the house but she does come and weed my garden. I don't mind this - it's like being visited by the gardening fairies.

CailinDana · 07/02/2013 14:04

YANBU. I don't know how my MIL puts up with me sometimes, she's a bloody saint. I have a fraught history with my own family and as a result I am very very prickly about anything I perceive as criticism or interfering. It's totally my own problem but I do take it out on MIL without really meaning to. I'm trying my best not to be like that though.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 07/02/2013 14:05

Clementine haha so true! My MIL is really nice though. There's no way she would do that but I know others that would. I had a lucky escape from an exes mother who would have been a HORROR! Bitter old.....

My Mum reads Gransnet and she loves it. My sister is a royal PITA. Gransnet and me keep my Mum sane.