To think MILs should start a support group

[atthewelles]

Some of the poor things can't do right for doing wrong.

If they stand back and give the mum space they're 'ignoring their DGC'.
If they get involved they're 'trying to take over'.

If they buy a present it's 'too expensive', 'too cheap', 'inappropriate', 'more clutter'.
If they don't buy a present they're 'mean', 'uncaring', 'totally disinterested'.

If they offer to help around the house they're 'interfering'.
If they don't offer to help they're 'in the way'.

Jeeze, who'd be a MIL?

[fluffyraggies]

Here and on relationships there's loads of threads about husbands/boy friends.
It's natural, this is a site with predominantly adult female posters.

There's also loads of threads about problems with DCs.
It's natural, this is a site with posters who are predominantly mums.

It stands to reason, given the above, that there are going to be loads of threads about in-laws. Most of us here have got at least one.

That doesn't mean that DILs are a poisonous lot, any more than it means 'wives' or 'mothers' or 'girl friends' are a poisonous bunch of people.

People are posting about their husbands, kids and in laws because they are the main people in their lives. Sometimes their complaints are justified, sometimes not.

[DontmindifIdo]

I really hope I'm a MIL like mine. I really hope I'm not going to turn in to my mum and be a MIL like DH's. However, at least as a bloke, he's the one who doesn't do the bulk of the 'grandparent to grandchild' contact facilitation, that usually falls to the mother in most couples - so if one set of grandparents include a 'hard work' grandmother, then it's usually the mother that has to negotiate dealing with them. If that hard work person is your own mother, that's easier, you've had a lifetime of dealing with them and you don't really have to worry about your DH's feelings when putting a foot down/setting boundaries etc. If it's your DH's mother, then it's a lot harder....

[Chottie]

I will be a MiL one day and I would like to thank everyone for all the advice given.

[forgetmenots]

I would actually really love a nice MIL like my ex's mum honestly, when I met my husband I was so excited about meeting his family. Maybe we should do a matchmaking service for spurned DILs/MILs, we will all be on great behaviour after all cos nothing can be worse than RL!

[pigletmania]

I know it really sad tbh, I feel sorry for some f thse poor non toxic mums and mother in laws

[BlueberryHill]

I have a lovely MIL, her son is a real credit to her. It doesn't mean that there aren't things that drive me crazy annoy me a bit, but I would say the same about my parents.

I probably was a difficult DIL when I had DS, everyone needed to adjust, me especially to being a mum. Hopefully I have relaxed a lot now and the important thing is that my children love them, they love my children and we all have a lovely relationship.

On the present thing, I do have an issue at the moment, DS keeps getting presents in the post which we don't know about, there is one in my wardroe at the moment that is staying there. I have a good reason for that, I also have 2 yo twins and at some point they are going to realise that they haven't been sent anything. It isn't that PIL are favouring one of the them deliberately, they just haven't thought about how quickly the twins are developing. Luckily we will be able to talk to them about it.

[CatsRule]

I'm not dreading being a mil as my mil has taught me a lot....how not to do it

I do agree that some people moan about their mil's over silly things, I find that annoying especially when I do have a mil who does major things and is, in short, an utterly vile woman!

I'd say choose your battle wisely when it comes to any family, your own family or your extended family inlaws.

[firesidechat]

Well I'm a fairly new mil and never quite got the stereotype. Aren't mils just like anyone else; you get some great ones and some not so good. You get some great dils or sils and some not so good. Yet as soon as you label someone as a mil, it's like they are a different species who we all know are hell to be around and out to make everyones life a misery.

For the record I think that I'm ok as a mil. I would do anything for my family, but well aware of the appropriate boundaries. I would never let myself into my daughter's house for instance. Her fil on the other hand....

[tiggerishtom]

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree I agree!

It their issue and not ours, but it is one we have to deal with.

Plus what DH's wants can be totally different to what a MIL's feels are happening, i.e someone coming along and not looking after their son as well as they did, or bringing up there grandchild as well as they would. DH's don't some into it in some MIL eyes...

I was trying to explain (all be it badly) that no one should belittle the complex nature of the DIL & MIL relationship, it is one that can so easily fail.

Other posts suggesting the amount of people posting about their MIL on MN is unreasonable, doesn't take into account the complicated nature of this type of relationship.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

Oh my. 2am - I need to go to bed! Goodnight all. Good chatting.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

tiggerishtom But that's just it. They aren't 'children' anymore. For me, I would think that that was the MIL's issue, not mine. MY OH doesn't want a second mother - he has a terrific one - he wants a partner. It's kind of up to the MIL to follow the lead of the couple in how they run their life - within reason, some DIL and MIL are just horrid. But mostly they are normal, reasonable people. I hope!!

[tiggerishtom]

LucilleBluth and good for you!!!

Not all mothers may feel the same though.

Some like being top dog, and being consulted on everything, and involved every part of there child's life.

Some MIL lives have revolved around their children for so long, and then find it hard to adapt when they are not needed in all the same ways they once were...

Everyone is different.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

Pandemonnia Agreed.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

lucille Noooooo, it's not just you! My Mum is like you. "Kids are grown up and gone? Wahoo, time for me and my husband!" That's her attitude and I applaud her for it. Well deserved too! She'd done her bit!

snow Noooooo, you wouldn't want the FIL. Trust me! He's the issue, not her!

[BridgetBidet]

My MIL was absolutely lovely. She died 2 years ago and one of the biggest regrets of my life is that she never met my son. She was very kind and understanding, I wasn't the best daughter in law and was drinking enough to float the titanic at one point before I had children. But she was never less that lovely to me. I really miss her. She was an incredibly good friend.

[Pandemoniaa]

These lovely ladies that dismiss their OH's parents as if they're nothing to them.

Those are the comments I feel most depressing. Because like them or not, your MIL is the woman who gave birth to the man you married. She's not some random nuisance who seems to think she has the right to breathe the same air as you.

I know that the relationship with your MIL can be difficult. I wasn't over-keen on mine since we were very different people and she wasn't good at embracing difference. But I still respected her as the mother of my husband.

[LucilleBluth]

I live in hope

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

I have two sons and if I'm really lucky one of them will be gay. That made me lol so hard!!!

[LucilleBluth]

tiggerishtom what is this taken over the MILs role crap. I'm going to be living it up when my boys are settled. Do you really think I will miss looking after them when I don't have to anymore. When they leave home it's me time all the way ;)

Maybe that's just me.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

I said to my OH the other night how much I enjoy his Mum's company. She's a smart woman but ever so ditzy so very funny without meaning to be....and then the penny drops and she's in stitches herself. My other half has me, his Mum and my Mum who all love him. That's pretty cool!
But people are people - especially women - and there will always be those who are easily annoyed or those who mistakenly rub someone up the wrong way. Mutual respect - as someone above said - is a good thing to have in any relationship and I for one think the DIL and MIL relationship is really important. Well...it is to me as I know how much my OH loves his Mum and she loves him. Anything trivial can be wiped away when I remember that.

[Almostfifty]

There are times when I read these threads and worry about how the partners of my children will view me when they're older.

These lovely ladies that dismiss their OH's parents as if they're nothing to them.

Well, they brought them into this world, turned them into the men/women that the partners love, and most of the time are normal, nice people who like to spend time with their children.

Something to think on when they irritate you slightly.

Obviously toxic parents are a different kettle of fish.

[LucilleBluth]

atthewelles I totally agree with everything you say, especially the point about other posters unloading their MIL baggage onto the OP.

There has been loads of MIL threads over the last few days, there is no way that its always the MIL at fault.......I'm not saying that people don't have shitty MILs but there are shitty people out there in the world anyway iykwim.

I have two sons and if I'm really lucky one of them will be gay.

[snowtimelikethepresent]

Great stuff angel please report back on the 110% abstinence thing after you've spoken to her. It may come in handy if I ever go off Mr Present!

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

It's ok! It's hard for words on a page to come out with the right meaning and we don't know each other's stories! I think I mean they definitely don't do rudies anymore. I'm chuckling here. Never thought I would be discussing my MIL's sex life or lack of online! We're going to IKEA tomorrow together - we DO get on very well!!! She's a pretty funny woman so it should be a giggley day out!

[tiggerishtom]

YABU

Just because some MIL's are lovely, does not mean all MIL are lovely.

As has been previously said, one "comment/ controlling behaviour" on here as you see it, can really represent years of this type of behaviour, which can make every encounter with a MIL unpleasant, but that picture is hard to paint in one post on MN.

Let face facts, as DIL's we have come along, and taken over many our MIL roles, which she loved to do, to look after her son. We are now the leading lady in her sons life and that unavoidably means MIL's have to move over and make room for us. Some to this well, others don't.....

I agree someone will always pop and say:

Be grateful you still have one because mine died
or
I am dreading being a MIL because I am the mother of sons.

I don't think these replies help at all, each individuals situation is different. Plus of course if you yourself are a MIL, you will look at them from a different perspective.