To think MILs should start a support group

[atthewelles]

Some of the poor things can't do right for doing wrong.

If they stand back and give the mum space they're 'ignoring their DGC'.
If they get involved they're 'trying to take over'.

If they buy a present it's 'too expensive', 'too cheap', 'inappropriate', 'more clutter'.
If they don't buy a present they're 'mean', 'uncaring', 'totally disinterested'.

If they offer to help around the house they're 'interfering'.
If they don't offer to help they're 'in the way'.

Jeeze, who'd be a MIL?

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

Endoplasmic Your Mum does your weeding? How lovely is that! Aw. Pretty thoughtful Mum.

[neriberi]

I've read some horrific MIL stories on here and count myself lucky because my MIL is amazing, we might not always see eye to eye but I'm fortunate enough to have a MIL who respects my wishes as a parent and rarely interferes and for that I am eternally grateful!

[Loa]

My MIL made one of the most tiring and stressful time of my life so much worse be being more selfish unthinking and inconsiderate than usual.

I don't think my MIL needed more support - support she was getting was making her behaviour so much worse - FIL, their friends. Took a while but I think the support finally got fed up at all the bitching about me and once that stopped MIL calmed down and we found we could both move forward.


IN RL I've seen some great relationships between MIL and DIL - trick seems to be mutual respect, consideration and communication and acceptance they don?t get to choose each other or being lucky they like each other.

Some of the worst - like mine for a long time - happen because MIL tries very hard to push DIL out of family and/or blame DIL for all decisions she dislike even if DS has played huge part in them. Though it works other way as well - DIL blaming IL for issue which is caused by DH.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

I think the solution is to talk to your DIL, and listen to your DIL, and accept that she is not you and is different to you, and respect that.

If you're going to be a stroppy MIL who gets all arsey about being asked to phone and arrange a time to visit rather than showing up unannounced, or conversely gets all arsey about being asked to just pop around and not faff around with arrangements - well you're going to have difficulties. But you could choose to find out what your DIL likes and do that. And you could tell her that when she visits you, you'd prefer pre-arranged/just-turn-up, and then she can do that.

There are an awful lot of prima donna MILs out there, lets face it. I mean in your example, what your hypothetical MIL would really be asking is aibu to feel hurt and sad because my DIL does things differently to me?

[DeWe]

The problem is what you often see here is the last straw. You don't see the 77 previous times when they have done similar.

So sometimes you see the dil being OTT about what seems like a piddly little comment, and what you haven't seen is that the mil has gone on and on and on about a previous similar thing 10 years previously.

What can be ignorable the first time, pass-overable the 2-76th time may suddenly become unbearable on the 77th time, despite it being more mild than most of the previous.

I get on okay with my MIL. However there are certain things that she says/does that reduce me to tears after she's gone. If one day I turn round and pull her up on it, I'm sure she will be genuinely surprised and not think she's done anything wrong, but these things niggle, and hurt, and she doesn't leave go.

[atthewelles]

I'm not talking about the threads about horrific MILs. I'm talking about threads where someone comes on and complains about something like, for instance, their MIL bringing their GC to the park and it's not faaaair, because I wanted to be the first person to ever bring her to the park. And then a load of other posters come on and say 'oh, she sounds like a controlling cow'. 'Oh, my MIL is like that. Pushy and always taking over' and I'm . She took her to the fucking park, she didn't take her to the hairdressers, dye her hair blonde and then change her name by deed poll.

[CartedOff]

I did feel dreadfully sorry for that MIL who posted about how she wanted to move closer to her son and incurred the wrath of her daughter-in-law. She hadn't even done anything! But the mere hint of the possibility that she might prove to be a problem or impose on them in any way...that was really unpleasant to read about. Her DIL just seemed to view her as a potential annoyance. Would hate anyone to feel that way about me.

[Mosman]

Mine's already got her own Coven i'm sure

[AThingInYourLife]

I have two MsIL (step and regular) and they are both great.

I still read most MIL threads and think, "fucking hell, what an overbearing wagon."

[MumOfTheLittleMonsters]

I think DM's and Dsis's get it too, it takes a while for people to get to know peoples individual boundaries and expectations, there's bound to be some falling out/upset.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I get on fine with my MIL but I also still read the threads on here and mostly think that they sound unreasonable.

But someone will always pop along ten posts in and either post
Be grateful you still have one because mine died
or
I am dreading being a MIL because I am the mother of sons.

I find it as annoying as they obviously find the MIL threads

[atthewelles]

The flip side to that Humphrey are the posters who think that, because their MIL was a bossy witch, every MIL is automatically guilty until proven innocent. You see loads of that attitude on here as well. Sometimes I don't find the original post too annoying, I just think 'oh do get over yourself' but then the other angry DILs piling in and unloading their baggage by insulting and dissing some poor woman who bought her GD a doll instead of a 'gender neutral' toy for Christmas or some such really gets my goat.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

Bertha Spot on! She is happy for me or us to visit her unannounced. I'm not willing to have it vice versa. OH said to her a few weeks ago that 'Angel doesn't like surprise visits' just so she knew in advance. She then said to me that my OH had said that- not in a bad way, but just in a way where it didn't actually need to be said, I thought. Why bring it up? I just said, 'Yip, he's correct!' I mean, are you TRYING to make me feel bad woman???

My own Mum (or Dad) - who are AMAZING - wouldn't drop in unannounced as they still have sex so understand that a couple's home is their private home. My MIL 110% no longer has sex with FIL. They shouldn't be in the same country never mind having sex....awkward!

But what you say is true.

[Whocansay]

It all depends on your perspective. From mine, I get no help from family at all, so would really appreciate ANYONE who tried to help, tbh. I daresay there are MILs who clean houses and look after children in a passive-aggressive way(!), but I also think there are DIL who LOOK for things to be angry about in order to exert their own authority. There seem to be many power struggles going on, on these boards!

[TarkaTheOtter]

YABU
Some mil are awful, some dil are awful. Probably more dil than mil post on mumsnet.
The ones with a good relationship don't start threads about it.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

OH adores my parents by the way. Absolutely adores them and the feeling is mutual. They don't interfere but they are supportive. We're lucky.

[Pandemoniaa]

Whats the difference to Grandmumsnet (that doesn't exist) and Gransnet (that does)

Lots!

I'm a MIL and a gm. There's times when I sigh over the proliferation of anti-MIL threads because actually, they present a skewed picture of life for most MILs and their DILs. But being realistic, people rarely post threads entitled "AIBU to think my MIL is fantastic". So you only hear about the unfortunate relationships people have with their MILs.

[snowtimelikethepresent]

My MIL 110% no longer has sex with FIL. They shouldn't be in the same country never mind having sex....awkward!
Just read that again and see if you can't see how ridiculous it sounds!

I mean, are you TRYING to make me feel bad woman???

Oh come on!!! Angel you said yourself that she didn't say it in a bad way, so she perhaps wasn't trying to make you feel bad so hard as you were trying to take offence! It could just as easily have been taken that she was trying to assure that the message had been received and understood.

You see it's attitudes like yours (comes across) that make sme think that atthewelles has got it bang on the money!

[atthewelles]

My own Mum (or Dad) - who are AMAZING - wouldn't drop in unannounced as they still have sex so understand that a couple's home is their private home. My MIL 110% no longer has sex with FIL. They shouldn't be in the same country never mind having sex....awkward! Quote

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

snowtime No, no, that maybe came out wrong. SHE tells me they no longer have sex. They are the most unsuited couple - she tells me this and it is very obvious to all around. So no, it's not a ridiculous thing to say.

'I mean are you trying to make me feel bad woman???' was more of a - not intended to sound mean - I love this woman, she is brilliant - but she did embarrass me when she brought it up. It didn't need saying is what I meant. It wasn't said in a 'trying to assure that the message was understood.' I'm not daft. I recognise a tone when I hear one....

No attitude here, I promise you. We get on brilliantly. I just ask that she calls before coming over....

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

atthewelles ???

[snowtimelikethepresent]

Fairplay angel it was in fact the 110% no longer bit that I thought was ridiculous! I mean how does that even work???

[tiggerishtom]

YABU

Just because some MIL's are lovely, does not mean all MIL are lovely.

As has been previously said, one "comment/ controlling behaviour" on here as you see it, can really represent years of this type of behaviour, which can make every encounter with a MIL unpleasant, but that picture is hard to paint in one post on MN.

Let face facts, as DIL's we have come along, and taken over many our MIL roles, which she loved to do, to look after her son. We are now the leading lady in her sons life and that unavoidably means MIL's have to move over and make room for us. Some to this well, others don't.....

I agree someone will always pop and say:

Be grateful you still have one because mine died
or
I am dreading being a MIL because I am the mother of sons.

I don't think these replies help at all, each individuals situation is different. Plus of course if you yourself are a MIL, you will look at them from a different perspective.

[AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree]

It's ok! It's hard for words on a page to come out with the right meaning and we don't know each other's stories! I think I mean they definitely don't do rudies anymore. I'm chuckling here. Never thought I would be discussing my MIL's sex life or lack of online! We're going to IKEA tomorrow together - we DO get on very well!!! She's a pretty funny woman so it should be a giggley day out!

[snowtimelikethepresent]

Great stuff angel please report back on the 110% abstinence thing after you've spoken to her. It may come in handy if I ever go off Mr Present!