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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the saying "as log as its healthy I don't mind?"

113 replies

kickassmomma · 04/02/2013 09:42

Just a lighthearted discussion/debate.

When most people ask whether someone wants a boy or girl when there pregnant, majority say "as long as its healthy I don't mind" I am guilty of this too but now my perspective has changed because I don't have a healthy child.

It actually bugs me to see people put it on fb or say it to me? I kinda think, well what i your child isn't healthy? Would you mind then?

Wouldn't as long as my baby is happy and content be better??

OP posts:

foslady · 04/02/2013 09:45

Yep - always agreed with this. Your love for a child should be unconditional. I always hoped and prayed mine would be healthy but if they weren't I wouldn't love them any less.

CMOTDibbler · 04/02/2013 09:45

I know what you mean, but its just one of those pregnancy things people say. I wanted to say 'as long as the baby is alive I don't mind' but people got upset by that.

MortifiedAdams · 04/02/2013 09:46

I used to get annoyed when people said that to me when I was pg. I would respond with "as long as its a happy one!"

Disability or not, its still our son or daughter.

noblegiraffe · 04/02/2013 09:48

I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping for a healthy baby, or saying that you're hoping for a healthy baby.

ubik · 04/02/2013 09:49

I don't hate this saying at all - it's a sensible attitude, what they are saying is that there are more important things than the baby's sex.

I'm grateful for healthy children. I would mind if they weren't healthy because I would like to be able protect them from all suffering. I don't think this has anything to do with whether you love them or not.

Trills · 04/02/2013 09:50

It's not a saying.

It's a response to silly "do you want a boy or a girl" questions.

If people stopped asking the silly question then nobody would have to say it.

And yes, I think more people would be sad or upset at having a child that was not healthy than would be sad or upset at having a child of the "wrong" sex.

FantasticDay · 04/02/2013 09:50

Well, I think people do associate ill-health with suffering, and no-one wants their child to suffer. It doesn't mean you would love them any less of course. We were initially assessed as quite high risk for baby having Down's syndrome following a transnuchal scan (risk came down after blood test), but we didn't go for an amniocentisis test as terminating the pregnancy was not an option for us, and we didn't want to risk miscarriage. I must admit I was relieved DS didn't have Down's as I didn't want him to be high risk for associated conditions, such as heart disease etc.

EllieArroway · 04/02/2013 09:52

It's annoying because it's a cliché now - but it's pretty much what most of us generally do hope for.

What's the alternative? If you express a preference then people will think you're disappointed if you get the other gender, and we all want healthy children. Doesn't mean we love them any less if they're not.

So - I agree. But it's hard to know what else to say.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 04/02/2013 09:53

I hate it to. One of mine isn't super healthy but I don't think that's why I hate it. It's more that you are just trying to make a bit of social chit chat and you get slapped in the face with a smug 'we are above such things' wet fish. Also gender and health are, in the main, unrelated so why bring it up.

neolara · 04/02/2013 09:53

Well actually I would have minded if my dcs weren't healthy. I would have been absolutely devastated. That's not to say I wouldn't have loved them as much as a healthy child. But honestly, I would have been absolutely distraught if they had serious health problems.

noblegiraffe · 04/02/2013 09:56

But 'are you hoping for a boy or a girl?' is a horrible question that deserves to be slapped down with a trite retort. Say you said you were hoping for a girl and it turned out to be a boy? Awkward. Best those sorts of opinions are left unvoiced, just in case.

PeggyCarter · 04/02/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhTheConfusion · 04/02/2013 10:03

When the sonogropher asked if I wanted a boy or a girl I replied 'we have waited so long I would be happy with a baby Gruffalo' she was a bit .

cory · 04/02/2013 10:12

Well, I do mind that my baby wasn't healthy. Not because I don't love her but because I love her so much I can't bear to see her ill and in pain, can't bear to see her constantly disappointed and fearful, can't bear the thought that at 16 she has already tried to take her life twice to get away from the pain and stress, can't bear the thought that next time she may succeed...

If there is one thing I hate it's the assumption that you cannot hate your child's illness without hating the child. Dd is not her illness!

Boomerwang · 04/02/2013 10:16

OP, before you had your child, do you think you might have responded with 'as long as it's healthy, I don't mind'?

Isn't it hindsight making you dislike the phrase now?

LunaticFringe · 04/02/2013 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore · 04/02/2013 10:21

YANBU to feel this way, but YABU to think it better that people wished for 'any child regardless of whether they're healthy or not'.

Everyone wishes for a healthy child, and it would be wrong to wish for a child that wasn't.

However, when people say they only hope their child is healthy, they are not saying that they wouldn't love their child if it's not. Therefore YABU.

I would feel the same way as you if one of my children wasn't healthy, but I would always wish that they were. If you had a magic wand, I suspect you'd use it to make your children healthy in most cases... that does NOT mean that you don't love them as they are.

Summerblaze · 04/02/2013 10:21

I'm with cory here. DS1 has some minor health problems (hearing/developmental delay) and I really wished he didn't because I see him struggling and it breaks my heart. That doesn't mean that I don't love him. What a stupid thing to think.

When I was pg with DS2, I still answered the gender question with "I just hope its healthy". Surely thats what we all want for our children regardless of whether the outcome is different.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/02/2013 10:22

Wishing for a healthy child is nothing to be 'guilty' of. My son and daughter were both ill when they were born, my son recovered to an extent then died from SIDS my daughter was in pain every second of the 2 weeks she lived.

Every time I have been pregnant I have got down on my knees and prayed for a healthy child, its nothing to do with loving them, thats a given, its everything to do with not wanting your child to suffer.

Wishing for a healthy child does not mean I love my son or daughter any less.

tiggytape · 04/02/2013 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillericayDickie · 04/02/2013 10:24

yanbu I get what you are saying. it is a stupid thing to say

tiggytape · 04/02/2013 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickledInAPearTree · 04/02/2013 10:28

I see what your saying but don't we all hope for a healthy child and if the child is born with any problems love them none the less?

I agree as long as the baby is happy is a bit better.

I've said it but purely as a deflector to constant sex questions.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/02/2013 10:28

YANBU.

I wanted a boy with my first pregnancy. I'm not sure why, and I can't think of any reason for it, but I really did want a boy. I'm sure I would have been happy with a girl and have loved her just the same, but I still didn't know that I would have been just as happy while I was still in my first pregnancy.

It made me feel like a terrible mother before my child had even been born because I had a gender preference. No one was prepared to admit that they wanted anything other than a healthy baby. Now I know that lots of other women feel the same and have a preference one way or the other, and I don't see why we should be made to feel bad for having a feeling we can't help. If we don't admit that women do have preferences, we can't begin to support the very small number of women who probably end up with PND related to gender disappointment.

aldiwhore · 04/02/2013 10:31

I get "didn't you want one of each"... my reply "One of each what?"

I have two boys, they are so different from each other, polar opposites, that I DO have 'one of each' in a way, bt not in a gender related way.

It IS annoying though. I am sure my polite fumbling question of "Do you know what flavour you're having" is equally unreasonable... my only defense is that I simply want to show interest without personal intimate questions.

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