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AIBU?

To hate the saying "as log as its healthy I don't mind?"

113 replies

kickassmomma · 04/02/2013 09:42

Just a lighthearted discussion/debate.

When most people ask whether someone wants a boy or girl when there pregnant, majority say "as long as its healthy I don't mind" I am guilty of this too but now my perspective has changed because I don't have a healthy child.

It actually bugs me to see people put it on fb or say it to me? I kinda think, well what i your child isn't healthy? Would you mind then?

Wouldn't as long as my baby is happy and content be better??

OP posts:

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Kafri · 05/02/2013 10:44

When people asked me if I knew what I was having, I always replied 'a baby, I hope'

Having said that, I take the meaning of the OP's phrase to mean healthy as in not poorly which I guess is what we all hope for.

I work with kids with various special needs and disabilities which I love but I (and all my kids parents) consider the little monkeys to be both happy and healthy.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2013 10:43

I'm a bit confused by this thread.

I always understood the 'as long' part to refer to the preference in gender question that this is commonly a reply to.

As in 'As long as it's healthy, I don't mind whether it's a girl or boy.'

What sort of person doesn't mind if their baby is unhealthy. Unhealthy isn't the same as disabled. I know quite a few people that don't mind that their child has a disability, others that do, or mind the effect it has on their lives due to other people's fuckwittery. I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't mind that their newborn has breathing problems, or a heart condition, or has contracted Strep B at birth.

Am just puzzled, or possibly missing the point.

cory · 05/02/2013 10:27

I don't suppose we all have the same take on tempting fate; I don't, for one. I know that dd's genetic make-up wouldn't have been changed by anything I said or did during the pregnancy.

kickassmomma · 05/02/2013 10:08

How people have got this idea that I hope for a healthy child just because I dont like the sayin is daft. I never once hoped for an ill no child nor will I ever hope for one.

I am a little strange about sayings like this. I don't like to tempt fate. When I have my next dc I will only have a bed carseat and a few weeks worth of clothes for it. Them I will buy things once it's here. So that if anythin did happen I wouldn't have everything to try and get rid of which emotionally would be too much. Same goes for this saying I would rather hope for a happy and content baby and not tempt fate by saying 'healthy' this in no way means I want a poorly child! I have a very poorly child and it is awful having to cope with it all but. Baby is happy and content and I could ask for more. Her medical problems have made her who she is she is amazing!! My main intention I this post was to see of anyone else felt like the saying was still specifying a certain want. Yes of course everyone wants a healthy baby but when you don't have one it almost feels tempting fate to say 'as long as its healthy' u was also interested in what the thought would be 'if it isn't healthy'

OP posts:

sashh · 05/02/2013 05:54

but now my perspective has changed because I don't have a healthy child.

Has it really? No matter how much you love your child when you were expecting did you hope to have an ill child?

If you get pregnant again will you be hoping for a child who is ill?

You love your child as much healthy or ill but I don't think anyone wants a child who isn't well, until they arrive.

Morloth · 05/02/2013 04:42

I didn't care whether my babies were boys or girls, but I did care an awful lot that they would be healthy.

So yes, I did 'mind' that they would be healthy, of course that was what I wanted, which I assume is what people are saying.

giraffesCantEatNHSPotatoes · 05/02/2013 03:28

Oh I am not pregnancy ATM!

giraffesCantEatNHSPotatoes · 05/02/2013 03:27

I say it a lot. When I say healthy I mean alive and breathing! As I have had the alternative. I feel saying "as long as it's not dead who cases" would be a tat blunt, but true! I do get the point you are making, will have a think.

TigerseyeMum · 04/02/2013 20:40

If I ever manage to get pregnant I'm going to tell people I'm hoping for a puppy. As I am generally the mad-dog-lady I think they will probably believe me

MamaBear17 · 04/02/2013 20:34

When I was pregnant with DD I replied the same way each and every time someone asked that stupid question with:
Either, I just want a baby.

cory · 04/02/2013 20:25

I always assumed that "as long as" bit stood for "I'll be happy". Which seems fair enough to me.

It's got nothing to do with acceptance of the child- I don't have to accept dd's illness and pain in order to accept her.

And fwiw it doesn't seem to have much to do with whether the child has Downs or is on the spectrum either: that doesn't necessarily make you unhealthy (though I know DS is often associated with health problems). When I say healthy I mean precisely that: not ill or in pain.

Lollydaydream · 04/02/2013 19:49

YANBU
I agree with illgetmycoat and lightthelamp's posts. It's the as long as bit and I think there is a naivety to the statement. Also, historically, babies with health problems have not always been accepted; this phrase seems like a throw back to that. I don't think people mean that when they say it; it's like other phrases whose initial meaning has been lost.

MammaTJ · 04/02/2013 18:53

Does 'as long as this one doesn't nearly die on me' sound any better, because that is what I meant by 'as long as it''s healthy, I don't mind'? That was after my DD had come very close to death shortly after being born.

feministefatale · 04/02/2013 18:39

I think it is an odd way to respond to a question about the sex of a child.

But I don't think hoping your child is healthy and wishing for it can be seen as a problem? I certainly don't think parents who are sad or disappointed that their child is born with long term disabilities or health conditions are bad parents for being sad that their child will have a poorer quality of life/ or be in pain compared to other children.

I give my kids good food and exercise and do all things parents are supposed to do so they will be healthy. I will love them no matter what there is no sliding scale, but if they are ill it certainly won't make me happy! All I wish for them in life is good health and a roof over their heads.

BackforGood · 04/02/2013 18:36

This :

Its a statement of fact. They are not saying 'I don't want this baby if its not healthy' they are just saying that they hope it will be a healthy baby which is totally logical and normal.

diddl · 04/02/2013 18:34

Ha-IAm!

When a friend of mine was pregnant her toddler son was hoping for an elephant!

Baby was about 11lbs!

As she said, she did her best!!-and ouch!

IAmLouisWalsh · 04/02/2013 18:31

I used to respond with 'I'm hoping for a puppy'. That got me some looks.

LucieLucie · 04/02/2013 18:29

Yabu. Why shouldn't people be allowed to wish their baby is healthy?

FlorriesDragons · 04/02/2013 17:03

Well of course you would mind if your baby wasn't healthy. Doctors thought ds2 would have ds and I was very upset indeed. Obviously I would have loved him regardless and luckily enough he was born without any medical problems but I definitely minded...

Inertia · 04/02/2013 17:00

Oh DeWe, it must have been very difficult to listen to that comment. I guess there's a possibility that they were trying so hard to avoid saying the wrong thing that they said completely the wrong thing- or maybe they were very clumsily trying to convey their hope that your baby would have no health problems given the difficulties you'd already faced. Or maybe they were actually just being thoughtless or spiteful.

My MIL and DH always used the "as long as it's got the right number of fingers and toes" line when I was expecting DC1- who was then born with a non-standard number of fingers and needed surgery to rectify. They haven't used it since.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 04/02/2013 15:27

DeWe that 'fingers and toes' comment is AWFUL. I wonder if the person who made it was dying a thousand deaths afterwards, or if they were sweetly oblivious. Most of the time I think people aren't really thinking that much about what they're saying and who they're saying it to - but I think they SHOULD be thinking about it!

DeWe · 04/02/2013 15:15

I grew to hate the phrase when I was pg with dd2. She was spotted on the scan to be missing her left arm, and, to know you have a child that a lot of people would regard as not healthy (people have both aborted after the scan and abandonned at birth children with this) it really hurts to have this spouted at you again and again, often by complete strangers.

I wish people wouldn't say it, because you don't always want to share things like that at the time they say it.

Perhaps worse was the person who said "as long as it's got all it's fingers and toes" when I was pg with dc#3, they knew perfectly well about dd2 as well.

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diddl · 04/02/2013 14:56

Have just asked the question here

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/02/2013 14:53

Eh? Ofcourse people prefer their baby to be healthy but it doesnt mean they'd love an unhealthy baby any less

I wasnt bothered about what sex my DC would be but I really did want them to be healthy and happy. Surely any parent would want that for their DC? I certainly didnt mean to imply I would love them any less if they'd been ill or disabled.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/02/2013 14:51

Diddl
Am I in a minority??

I always thought I wanted a girl, until I had a boy. Now I can't imagine having a girl. I adore my son.

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