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AIBU?

To hate the saying "as log as its healthy I don't mind?"

113 replies

kickassmomma · 04/02/2013 09:42

Just a lighthearted discussion/debate.

When most people ask whether someone wants a boy or girl when there pregnant, majority say "as long as its healthy I don't mind" I am guilty of this too but now my perspective has changed because I don't have a healthy child.

It actually bugs me to see people put it on fb or say it to me? I kinda think, well what i your child isn't healthy? Would you mind then?

Wouldn't as long as my baby is happy and content be better??

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tilder · 04/02/2013 13:52

Would love to have seen the sonographers face confusion!

When pg with dc3 I got sick of being asked are you hoping for a girl (i had 2 boys). I know a lit of the time people are just making small talk, but still. I think I just used to reply as long as there is only one (terrified of having twins, imagine 4 boys under 4) but I think dh was a little cutting occasionally.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 04/02/2013 13:58

When I sat there with my sick little baby and a friend said merrily about her own that she "didn't mind how it was born as long as it was healthy", what I heard was "I'd hate to have a baby like yours". So yes, keep making that trite observation if you want (yes, we'd all prefer to have a healthy baby), but try not to do it in front of someone who's baby isn't. That's all.

goldenlula · 04/02/2013 13:59

I don't think it is a silly saying at all, but perhaps that is because it is what I said, especially during my 3rd pregnancy after 2 boys and it was assumed I was not doing it to try for a girl . I would not have loved dc any the less had she have had a disability or illness, just that for each of my children I hoped for a child who would not have some life debilitating condition or illness that would make their life hard or uncomfortable.
Ds2 may have an SEN, he is under the paeds, seeing an OT and SALT and we are waiting to see if he is just immature or I there is more to it. I am praying it is just immaturity and he will 'catch up' with his peers, but if not then so be it. My feelings will not change for him and surely it is not wrong to want that for your child?

atthewelles · 04/02/2013 14:05

Its a statement of fact. They are not saying 'I don't want this baby if its not healthy' they are just saying that they hope it will be a healthy baby which is totally logical and normal.

diddl · 04/02/2013 14:13

Well in a way it´s a ridiculous answer to a personal question.

If I told people that I didn´t mind-boy or girl would be fine, some would keep on-"oh no, you must have a preference".

Sometimes it was the only way to shut them up.

Especially if you´re pregnant for the second time-then "I don´t mind" really doesn´t seem to cut it all with some folks!

Francagoestohollywood · 04/02/2013 14:18

And to be honest, I didn't mind to be asked what gender I was hoping for. It is just normal, non committal conversation, to which you can answer how you like...

diddl · 04/02/2013 14:32

I didn´t mind the question-as long as the answer I gave (don´t mind) was accepted!

Although I was lying as I did have a preference

Francagoestohollywood · 04/02/2013 14:43

, diddl!!!

diddl · 04/02/2013 14:45

Am I in a minority??

firawla · 04/02/2013 14:47

I got this with having 3 of the same, you get people ask "what you having? another boy? oh well, as long as they are healthy.." and actually they are not all healthy as in NT but dont think people making these comments would have realised that at the time. People are just trying to be nice but without thinking about what they say - but yanbu it is a bit of a stupid saying

MrsHoarder · 04/02/2013 14:48

YABU

If someone asks for a preference as to what you are hoping your child will be, healthy is good to hope for.

Francagoestohollywood · 04/02/2013 14:49

Diddl, I also had a preference, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Glitterspy · 04/02/2013 14:51

If people ask "Is it a boy or a girl" I just respond "Well hopefully it's a baby"

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/02/2013 14:51

Diddl
Am I in a minority??

I always thought I wanted a girl, until I had a boy. Now I can't imagine having a girl. I adore my son.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/02/2013 14:53

Eh? Ofcourse people prefer their baby to be healthy but it doesnt mean they'd love an unhealthy baby any less

I wasnt bothered about what sex my DC would be but I really did want them to be healthy and happy. Surely any parent would want that for their DC? I certainly didnt mean to imply I would love them any less if they'd been ill or disabled.

diddl · 04/02/2013 14:56

Have just asked the question here

DeWe · 04/02/2013 15:15

I grew to hate the phrase when I was pg with dd2. She was spotted on the scan to be missing her left arm, and, to know you have a child that a lot of people would regard as not healthy (people have both aborted after the scan and abandonned at birth children with this) it really hurts to have this spouted at you again and again, often by complete strangers.

I wish people wouldn't say it, because you don't always want to share things like that at the time they say it.

Perhaps worse was the person who said "as long as it's got all it's fingers and toes" when I was pg with dc#3, they knew perfectly well about dd2 as well.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 04/02/2013 15:27

DeWe that 'fingers and toes' comment is AWFUL. I wonder if the person who made it was dying a thousand deaths afterwards, or if they were sweetly oblivious. Most of the time I think people aren't really thinking that much about what they're saying and who they're saying it to - but I think they SHOULD be thinking about it!

Inertia · 04/02/2013 17:00

Oh DeWe, it must have been very difficult to listen to that comment. I guess there's a possibility that they were trying so hard to avoid saying the wrong thing that they said completely the wrong thing- or maybe they were very clumsily trying to convey their hope that your baby would have no health problems given the difficulties you'd already faced. Or maybe they were actually just being thoughtless or spiteful.

My MIL and DH always used the "as long as it's got the right number of fingers and toes" line when I was expecting DC1- who was then born with a non-standard number of fingers and needed surgery to rectify. They haven't used it since.

FlorriesDragons · 04/02/2013 17:03

Well of course you would mind if your baby wasn't healthy. Doctors thought ds2 would have ds and I was very upset indeed. Obviously I would have loved him regardless and luckily enough he was born without any medical problems but I definitely minded...

LucieLucie · 04/02/2013 18:29

Yabu. Why shouldn't people be allowed to wish their baby is healthy?

IAmLouisWalsh · 04/02/2013 18:31

I used to respond with 'I'm hoping for a puppy'. That got me some looks.

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diddl · 04/02/2013 18:34

Ha-IAm!

When a friend of mine was pregnant her toddler son was hoping for an elephant!

Baby was about 11lbs!

As she said, she did her best!!-and ouch!

BackforGood · 04/02/2013 18:36

This :

Its a statement of fact. They are not saying 'I don't want this baby if its not healthy' they are just saying that they hope it will be a healthy baby which is totally logical and normal.

feministefatale · 04/02/2013 18:39

I think it is an odd way to respond to a question about the sex of a child.

But I don't think hoping your child is healthy and wishing for it can be seen as a problem? I certainly don't think parents who are sad or disappointed that their child is born with long term disabilities or health conditions are bad parents for being sad that their child will have a poorer quality of life/ or be in pain compared to other children.

I give my kids good food and exercise and do all things parents are supposed to do so they will be healthy. I will love them no matter what there is no sliding scale, but if they are ill it certainly won't make me happy! All I wish for them in life is good health and a roof over their heads.

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