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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That you disregard dc safety

80 replies

bongobaby · 02/02/2013 10:27

Exp has dc on contact visit once a month. He turns up without car seat for dc. I got so fed up of his disregard in keeping dc safe on car journeys that I had it written into the court order that he was to bring a suitible car seat for dc. Is it to much to ask that he pays attention to this ffs its only one time a month. He refuses to go out and buy one. Dc should be properly restrained in a car by law,not just me being difficult as exp puts it.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 02/02/2013 10:29

Don't you have a (lendable) car seat?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/02/2013 10:35

How many DC and what age are they?

Your Exp might argue that he doesn't want to pay out £££ for seats that he's only going to use once a month (then have to store).
But depending on the weight/age you have the law on your side (Google Car Seat Law and 'helpfully' print it off for him)

Personally, I wouldn't let my DC in a car without a seat when they needed them .
But the law states they can go in an emergency (like a taxi) without a seat.
But a pre-planned visit is not an emergency.

Can you lend him any seats that you have. Or if you don't have seats, pay half and store them?

DoItToJulia · 02/02/2013 10:44

I think it's time you put your DCs first, and sort this out.

Either he can't take them in the car, or you need to accept that exp won't do the right thing and buy seats, so you will have to.

This is about your DCs being safe, not point scoring.

Shutupanddrive · 02/02/2013 10:45

Assuming you have a seat, why not let him use that? Simple solution

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 10:47

It depends a bit on the age of the DC. Is it a case that one or more DC is small enough to need one of those baby car seats that only fit in specific makes of car, and you and XP would have to buy seperate car seats because you drive different cars?

If they are all at the age where basic booster seats will do, why aren't you just handing over the car seats with the DC? Insisting that he spends money on additional ones is a bit pissy.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 10:49

BTW, if your point is that you yourself don't have a car, you should still have a car seat - no one would let me get away without buying one of the fucking things when DS was little - for those occasions when a friend offers to drive you and DC somewhere.

Original poster

bongobaby · 02/02/2013 10:50

one dc 8 yro and on a booster seat these are ten pounds to buy and not a big thing to store in the boot of a car.
Thats just it, it is a pre planned visit so he should know as it clearly states in the court order that he is to bring it.
He pisses me off that all responsibility he just lays on me, Lent my booster seat to a friend last night she was suppose to get it back to me this morning. I,m not going to chase her for it today just because irresponsible exp cant get it into his head that he needs to keep dc safe.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 02/02/2013 10:57

So you're putting your disinclination to get the available seat back from your friend above your DC's safety?

Oh, I agree he's being an arse, but your DC's safety is a consideration way above at.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/02/2013 10:59

does he normally bring his own booster seat or use yours?
If he usually uses your seat and the arrangement is that the seat is at your house (I don't know what's in your Court Order WRT the seat) then the onus is on YOU for not having it available.
Can he pick it up from your friend?

And speaking as the owner of a fairly small booted car (and 2 DC who have thankfully outgrown seats now) they are quite bulky to store. I had the booster seats with the removable backs. But even when they were using the bases only, they took up quite a bit of room.

So, YANBU to want your child to travel safely.
But if he uses your seat then YABU to lend it out the day before a Pre-Planned monthly visit, don't you think?

FreudiansSlipper · 02/02/2013 11:02

Yes he is being an arse nd acting irresponsible by not having a car seat
but so area if you allow you ds to go off in his care without being secured in a car seat

you do not stop being parent just becaue they are spending time with someone else stop focusing on him being an idiot and get the car seat back from your friend

lljkk · 02/02/2013 11:06

Given it's only £10 can you not buy a spare?

Original poster

bongobaby · 02/02/2013 11:24

The court order states that he is to purchase and bring his own car seat on contact visits. Have lent him mine before this and I never got it back hence the court order. I then asked him to replace it he said why should he and that I can go and buy another one. (says the same when I ask him to pay maintanance).
As for me being irresponsible by allowing my dc to go off in his care without being secured in a car seat, Dc is in exp car and driven away without me going outside to the car. It only transpires after the visit few days later when dc mentions that exp did not have a seat.

OP posts:

delilahlilah · 02/02/2013 11:38

I would be checking before he left. No seat, no car journey. He can choose between taking DC on foot, or returning with a seat. I don't think it would take long to get through to him. Does he realise the minimum fine is £30, but could be up to £500 if it went to court?
It's all well and good for people to say you should lend him yours, but I understand how you feel about it, especially when you didn't get the last one back. As for you having to buy him one...wtf? If he can run a car he can afford a safety seat for his DC.

manticlimactic · 02/02/2013 11:43

How can he not return it though? He picks CD up and drops them off, so it's there in the car.

But I don't think you're BU with regards to him having a booster seat.

manticlimactic · 02/02/2013 11:44

*dc not cd

sleepyhead · 02/02/2013 11:44

If it's one of those booster seats without a back I can't see how an 8 yr old can't carry it out to the car with him and then carry it back in when he returns like any other bit of kit he might take with him.

Your ex sounds irresponsible and selfish, but I don't think an 8 yr old really needs 2 car seats when he only sees his father once a month and is picked up/dropped off in the car from outside his house.

Original poster

bongobaby · 02/02/2013 11:46

Its the confrontation thing me going out to the car so I avoid it so no scene is caused infront of dc. exp is of the opinion that he is above the law, and dc would say that I stopped him seeing his father if I don,t let him go. He don,t abide by the court order so what chance have I got in asking him to bring the car seat? in some replies people are saying for me to spend money buying my exp a car seat or just lend him mine, I am not responsibil for my exp being responsibil and i am so fed up of his bloody lame attitude.
Can you help me feed our child "why should I"
Can you help put shoes on our childs feet " why should I"
Can you keep our child safe in your car " why should I"
FFS do the right thing without me having to prompt you...

OP posts:

5madthings · 02/02/2013 11:53

Her ex should have his own carseat, op has already lent him one which be has not returned.

Ffs why should the op provide one? He is the one coming to get the child in his car and should buy a carseat to fit that he keeps at home or in the car.

AmberLeaf · 02/02/2013 11:53

Booster seats [the seat only ones] are transportable arent they? Mine used to go where my kids went. [I dont even drive]

Bluemonkeyspots · 02/02/2013 11:56

You sound very strange

My dc have a car seat each and it gets moved between cars, would not cross my mind to have a seat for every car.

Do you strip him naked when ex turns up and demand he hands over his own set of clothes for him?

deleted203 · 02/02/2013 11:56

How tall is your 8 yo? Law says 4ft 5" and over doesn't need a car seat and my 7 yo is taller than this. He doesn't use a booster seat any more.

delilahlilah · 02/02/2013 12:00

You're not stopping him seeing him, just stopping him going in the car. As I posted above, he can take him on foot or return with seat. I love that people are criticising you, but ignoring his irresponsibility. If it was an Group 0 or Group 1 expensive seat, fair enough to share. FFS he should supply what is necessary to his access visit.

PureQuintessence · 02/02/2013 12:01

To be honest, you sound as bad as each-other.

I really feel sorry for your dc, having two parents who are more interested in point scoring, and getting one above the other, than their child's safety.

lljkk · 02/02/2013 12:04

Apologies if I missed where OP said she had already supplied one to her Ex to use.

Ffs why should the op provide one?

Because OP doesn't like confrontation and going to court over such a petty issue, or putting tension into her child's relationship with their bio dad?

It occurs to me that the Ex could pay OP £10 each time he takes the seat away, as a deposit on not returning it. But am aware that wouldn't really work either. :)

AmberLeaf · 02/02/2013 12:05

Good point re age/height, this wont be an issue for much longer.

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