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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
SamSmalaidh · 26/01/2013 13:52

You aren't keeping a child away from their father, he isn't bothering. Do you really want someone in your baby's life who can't be bothered with her?

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:53

And his mother just sent this after sending me a nasty message 3 weeks ago. They haven't seen her since way before Xmas.

Just wanted to know how X is doing? Been thinking about her and would love to see her. Would you like to come one day this week or can we meet you somewhere?

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:54

I keep reminding myself of that. That's why I don't know why it hurts.
Thank you for your speedy reply.

OP posts:
SamSmalaidh · 26/01/2013 14:02

Can you forget contact with him and cultivate contact with the grandmother? A friend of mine is in this situation - her son's father is a waste of space but she gets on well with his parents so her son sees his grandparents, aunts and cousins from the paternal family once a month or so.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 14:03

Unfortunately the mother is just as bad. Looks down on me, has sent nasty letters and texts in the past and is nice to my face.
I'm too weak again to handle it

OP posts:
jellybeans · 26/01/2013 14:08

I wouldn't bother with either to be honest. Saying that I have had a nightmare MIL (I could tell some terrible stories!) who I actually get on with now and it is easier all round to at least be civil. I always let her see DCs but on my terms and the more she was mean and rude the less she saw DCs. She eventually got it and made an effort so I did too and we get on enough for visits to be reasonably pleasant now. But I get that it is very hurtful for someone to treat you like dirt and expect to just have time with the baby. My MIL offered to pay to abort DD1 and then treated me like dirt refusing to even acknowledge me yet expected me to just hand her DD whenever she wanted-which was daily! Needless to say she didn't get it!

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 14:09

Jelly beans. Is this the same women? She offered to come with me to 'do the deed'.
I was five months gone at the time Hmm

OP posts:
catinboots · 26/01/2013 14:12

I would cut them out to be honest. I was in your situation OP and it's the best thing.

You can't force someone to care. You can't make people change. It sounds like you're flogging a dead horse. Stop wasting your time and energy on this twat and use it to focus on your DD.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 14:13

Shall I ignore the text

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 26/01/2013 14:15

Were you the person who had a training course and the father was meeting you then basically driving the baby from one visit to another?

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 14:18

Yes Mama that's me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 14:19

I'm the one who his mother told to 'cut her son some slack'

OP posts:
Tabliope · 26/01/2013 14:23

I would reply to the ex's mother that you'd be happy for her to be part of your daughter's life but if she continues to be nasty to you, either to your face or if you find out behind you back, you'll cut all ties. Tell her you're already in a vulnerable situation and while you have so far encouraged her son to play a part in his daughter's life - for her sake as well as his as long term if he doesn't he might regret it - if he doesn't shape up a bit and see her regularly - whether that's weekly or once a month - it's better he doesn't see her at all. Tell her you consider your DD's family on both sides to be important and relationships need to be cultivated but in the meantime you're not going to put up with being treated as something she's trod in. Tell her if she is willing to try then so are you. Best of luck.

MammaTJ · 26/01/2013 14:31

I thank you from the heart of my bottom for that previuos thread. It distracted me while I was waiting to go in to the dentist (the special dentists for wussy people) and I was very scared. You totally took my mind off it and I was so pleased you left your DC with your parents instead of allowing this.

I think you should tell her that you will forgive her previous attitude and will visit, but any unacceptable behaviour, words, emails or texts at any time will result in the visits being stopped.

OTTMummA · 26/01/2013 14:32

I just wouldn't bother updating or contacting them anymore, he has made his choice, it isn't fair for your daugther to grow up not knowing if or when he will turn up for visits.
His mother ( she doesn't deserve to be called grandmother tbh ) would be getting nothing from me if i was in your shoes.
She clearly has a problem, what kind of person sends abusive texts and letters to her granddaughters mother, if she wanted to have a relationship with her then she should of treated you with more respect.
If my son had done this i would be thouroughly ashamed and find it hard to respect him, i would fully support the mother, its women like her that make men think they can get away with this shit.

Just tell them to fuck off.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 14:47

I feel like replying 'is over three weeks enough slack for you?'

Grin MammaTJ.

I would be disgusted if he was my son. In not saying he should have stayed with me but at least have some respect for all i have been through.

The longer he goes without contact the worse I sleep, the deeper the pit of my stomach feels, the heavier my heart is.
I'm sat at 12am with a teething baby, whilst he's snuggled up with his new beau ( who chased him whilst we were together), not a care in the world nor a thought about us.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2013 15:15

Am I right in thinking that she lives some distance from you? No way would I spend hours travelling to accommodate her wishes. You are under no obligation whatsoever to facilitate this woman. If she wants contact, she must do all the running AND convince you that this contact would be beneficial to your daughter.

IMO, your daughter would benefit by NOT having contact with her father and his family. At 5 months old, their behaviour cannot really affect her; but as she gets older their callousness could really hurt.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 15:22

I just don't want it to backfire on me.
You know they didn't even send her a proper Christmas card. Was a gift tag, signed just their names.
They are at least two hours away.
My mother has offered to reply explaining it is his job to Arange contact with them, this week is not good, I cannot forget the nature of messages and texts. That I am just becoming stronger and cannot deal with them at the moment.
What do you guys think?
Thank you all for your time, effort and support to make me feel like A normal human being!

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 26/01/2013 15:29

I think that she's more than welcome to contact with your dd - on his time. It's up to the father to sort out the child's relationship with his family, not the mother.

Text back:

I'm sure dd would love to see you as part of her next contact with her dad. I'm sure you can arrange it between you.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 15:34

There is a problem with that. I will only allow supervised contact.
If he doesn't see her tommorow; well ask to see her tommorow it will have been over a month since he has seen her.
Forgive me if I am BU but no way am I letting her go with a man who doesn't not only not see her, but has not concern for her welfare nor how to care for her.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 26/01/2013 15:36

I'd probably offer to meet her halfway somewhere, when its convenient for you. ExMIL maybe a bitch to you but she could turn out to be a good granny to your dd. You can never have too many people to love your child, imho. Give her a chance and see how it goes. Take your mum or dad though too! Just in case it goes pear shaped. And if it turns out to be awful, you can at least say you tried.

Whocansay · 26/01/2013 15:37

FWIW I wouldn't let exfw anywhere near her without supervision either.

frustratedworkingmum · 26/01/2013 15:39

See this as a good thing, cut contact, your DD deserves better - she is too young to remember the wank stain anyway, better off without

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 15:39

Whocansay- from my posts do you really think she has the makings for that?

They look on her as the 'bastard child'

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2013 16:03

No, I don't think she has the makings of a good granny. You need to care about the child to be a good relative to them, and it doesn't sound as if she does (ditto her son).

You say your mother's willing to reply to this woman? That's very kind of her and I'd take her up on it. I think you need a filter between you and this family, to protect you. The greater emotional distance between you and them that you can achieve, the better Sad. They are not good for you, and you sound so low in your posts, I just think you would benefit from not having to deal with them right now.