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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think mortgage before honeymoon

34 replies

allotmentlover · 23/01/2013 13:50

DS getting married in 2015, on a budget, young proffessionals with good jobs but big student debt. DS still studying, and still some years of expensive exams ahead of him.
They deceided to scale down their (very expensive) origonal wedding plans, as saving for deposit for mortgage, (which is very high in south east). However, fiance is adamant she wants a luxury honeymoon, says if compromising on wedding, doesnt want to compromise on honeymoon as well. DS wants to have a cheaper honeymoon, and use any money they have towards deposit. (but if money no object he too would love expensive honeymoon) Fiance's view is that this will be their last opprotunity for a big holiday before they have to be "grownups" and save save save. AIBU to think mortgage should come first, or am i just an out of date mum!!,

OP posts:

Oldmanriver · 23/01/2013 14:04

YANBU to think anything you like.

YABU to say anything, unless asked for an opinion, except to maybe give your DS advice on how to deal with disputes in a relationship.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 23/01/2013 14:07

I can see your point, but a honeymoon is a bit of a once in a lifetime experience for some people. We certainly won't ever spend the money we did on our honeymoon on another holiday.

I think it depends on what her idea of a luxury honeymoon is - if it's a £15k holiday which will leave them a year back in saving for a house, then she's being a bit silly. If it's a £5k holiday which they can save for in a couple of months it isn't such a big deal.

The thing is, it's not your decision to make - it's theirs. You just have to bite your lip, and for that reason you're being a bit U.

Original poster

allotmentlover · 23/01/2013 14:11

Just to say, if asked for opinion on the wedding planning etc, i tend to say it is entirely their choice, and i would never interfere with any decision they made. We are giving them some money towards the wedding to spend entirely how they choose. Whatever i think, i would keep those thoughts to myself. When i got married 28 years ago, we went for the small wedding and the small honeymoon, so DS may guess what my feelings are! . It just seems that now weddings/honeymoons etc cost vast sums.

OP posts:

AlwaysWantingMore · 23/01/2013 14:15

It's up to them to work it out between them but personally I'm with the bride on this one. A mortgage is not the be all and end all, especially in this climate - we don't have one through choice rather than finances. It makes more financial sense for us to rent at the moment. We had an amazing luxury honeymoon and it was an incredible once in a lifetime holiday, partly because we were riding high on the back of the wedding and incredibly happy.

zlist · 23/01/2013 14:16

I'm not completely sure tbh. I've been married twice and neither time had anything like a luxury honeymoon (#1 budget break to Ireland and #2 no honeymoon at all). I think we were a little too sensible tbh. I'm now 39 and still haven't had that honeymoon but we are through the other side of the mortgage thing already due to similar decisions over the years - which is great but now we are there I can't help look back and think we got the balance a bit wrong. A honeymoon with DH#2 before kids...definitely missed out on that one :( and not sure whether not it will be possible to get anything close again - time will tell I guess. Maybe I will change my tune when we have started having the lovely post-kids holidays with money in our pockets.

Often the grooms parents pay for the honeymoon, which I think is how many couples afford the luxury holiday. I very much hope that my DS is sensible with money (he won't be getting much from us if he isn't!) but one thing I would like him and any future spouse to have in a really nice honeymoon and I would be more than happy to pay for that (I wouldn't be willing to pay towards a big flash wedding though).

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch · 23/01/2013 14:19

YANBU to want him to save up for a mortgage. It's what me and my partner did but we are now not in a position to get married at all.

YABU to say anything. You need to let him make up his own mind and decide his own priorities as he is a grown up.

However I do totally see your point x

WilsonFrickett · 23/01/2013 14:24

Don't regret a second of my quite (though not mega) expensive honeymoon. I think they've been sensible in cutting back the wedding, why not splurge a bit on the honeymoon? So it takes them 6 months longer to save up their deposit? So what?

EuroShagmore · 23/01/2013 14:30

Their lives, their choice. A mortgage is not the be all and end all. Life is for living and all that. If by being grown ups they mean starting a family, then I think it is a good idea to have a wonderful honeymoon and do something they couldn't do with young children.

nickelbabe · 23/01/2013 14:34

YANBU to think it, definitely.

I don't see the harm in saying something, but try to sound a bit sympathetic.

If it were my family, they would come out and say it, and my dad, especially would make a huge fuss about putting money down for the house being more important than a holiday, but obviously you can't say that top the fiancee.

You can say it to your DS though. (if your family is a bit more normal, try to broach it more sensitively)

My honeymoon was an overnight stay in a town not far away followed by a day trip to a cathedral. It was fine for us, and it cost almost nothing.

I would have to say something, but I know the consensus will be that it's none of your business.

fedupwithdeployment · 23/01/2013 14:39

We bought a new house a couple of years ago at the age of c40, and will have a mortgage until c65 (unless we pay it off early which we are likely to do)....it is an ongoing thing.

When we got married (c30) we did have a nice honeymoon. Not mega bucks, but nice hotel in Italy for 2 weeks and nice dinners...I won't forget it and we had a wonderful time.

I would go for the honeymoon - but as others have said, it is their decision to make together.

Katienana · 23/01/2013 14:41

I think they should have the honeymoon. Its great that they are saving for a deposit, but life is short and they can keep on saving after the honeymoon. I don't think they will regret going on a lovely trip. Those kind of holidays may not be possible for many years if they start a family etc.

Original poster

allotmentlover · 23/01/2013 14:42

maybe its a bit to do with what our respective families did as typical holidays during childhood. Our family have always done active/walking/exploring type holidays in self catered cottages, generally quite inexpensive, whereas his fiances family have done the hotel relaxing on the beach type holidays in more exclusive places, generally very expensive. They were not planning on an ultra cheap honeymoon i might add, fiance wants a £4000 cruise, DS feels £2000 should be enough to get somewhere nice.

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 23/01/2013 14:51

A £4000 cruise is pretty restrained for a honeymoon IMO. They are probably going to need to save at least 30k for a house deposit which could take them years so I'd have a nice honeymoon first if I were them.

fedupwithdeployment · 23/01/2013 14:59

Agreed. Having seen that, I am probably with the fiancée. Our not mega bucks holiday in Italy (12 years ago) was about £3k + lots of extras. Wouldn't fancy the cruise mind you, but that's me.

Since then all our holidays have been holidays in France (s/c) or staying with friends....

DontmindifIdo · 23/01/2013 14:59

To be honest, an extra £2k isn't going to make the that much of a difference over the course of a mortgage - however, this might be the last chance they ever have to have a holiday of this standard. This is once in a lifetime experience and memories vs an extra one or two months of paying a mortgage.

There of course is a place for being sensible, but there is also a place for having fun and creating good memories.

elliejjtiny · 23/01/2013 15:02

Not sure how much our honeymoon cost (1k sounds about right) but we went to a B&B with a pool on the IOW for a week. Did some day trips, couple of nice meals out, had a great time. Both sets of parents thought it was a daft idea going on honeymoon when we had just finished university with debts but we haven't had a holiday since (8.5 years ago) apart from staying with inlaws etc so I'm glad we did it.

DontmindifIdo · 23/01/2013 15:03

oh and once DCs come along, even if you can afford this sort of holiday, they are often ruled out for the first 15 years or so. Then having to pay for 4 adult prices (it's amazing how young you have to pay for adult prices!) means what they can just about do now won't be an option. Even then, the drinking until sunrise etc bits of carefree, young couple holidays just aren't an option with children in tow.

Hobbitation · 23/01/2013 15:13

Depends what you want really. If I went on a cruise I think I'd be throwing myself off the boat at some point. Likewise paying several grand to lie on a beach, however nice the beach. We had a walking holiday with Explore in Andalucia, bloody brilliant and not cheaper than a lot of coastal package holidays. We'd already had a honeymoon type holiday in Italy soon after we first met, and we'd done lots of other romantic coupley holidays, though no mega luxury ones. We bought a house 5 years before we got married - what with house prices going up 25% a year at the time...

But having said that it probably doesn't matter so much when you buy a house now - the important thing for anyone getting married at all is to have a similar attitude towards money. So whatever they decide, as long as they can come to agreement, it's fine!

purrpurr · 23/01/2013 15:27

I'm with the fiancee. My honeymoon was a once in a lifetime holiday, which cost just under 5k, and was very worth it. We'll have memories to look back on for the rest of our lives. We do kinda live on beans on toast most of the time, and we have a mortgage, and we had a cheap wedding. I think something's got to give at some point.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to think this but I would really hope you're keeping your opinions to yourself and not backing your son up, leaving the fiancee out in the cold.

MrsBungleBear · 23/01/2013 15:33

I'm with the fiance. An extra £2K isn't that much if they are scaling down the wedding. A honeymoon is a once in a life time holiday. They have plenty of time for saving and the daily grind of mortgages etc.

I had an expensive honeymoon in the Maldives and it is one of my best ever memories.

derekthehamster · 23/01/2013 15:38

We had a budget honeymoon (week in the brecon beacons, in Oct, in the rain )

It was lovely because it was our honeymoon, but I wish we'd gone somewhere else warmer

I agree that once children come along, it'll be a long time before they can do anything like it again. (16 years married, and I'm still waiting)

Bejeena · 23/01/2013 16:44

How can he get a mortgage if he is still studing anyway?

I think YABU it is their business. A honeymoon is a holiday of a lifetime, a mortgage is not the be all and end all. They have their whole working lives to buy a house

FanjoString · 23/01/2013 17:00

You have to strike a balance between saving and living. Between striving for long term goals, and creating memories right now that will last a lifetime.

I say this as part of a recent graduate couple who are saving hard for a deposit (stashing a substantial amount each month and living VERY frugally), but also entirely funded our shoestring-budget wedding but fairly lavish honeymoon. Our honeymoon was incredible and will endure as a fantastic memory, hopefully for the rest of our lives. We will get to buy a house one day, it won't be a good time for us to buy for a few more years and we should have 40% to put down by then. All without by family assistance (the bonus being no judgement or input from them about our decisions!)

WilsonFrickett · 23/01/2013 21:43

You like cheap hols. Great. But it's not your honeymoon, is it? It's for them to negotiate, as the rest of their married lives will be. If you don't pull back from this I foresee trouble ahead tbh.

Although I'd throw myself off a cruise, like.

LilMissSunshine9 · 23/01/2013 22:21

Life is counted by the number of years you live but by the number of memories you can truly say took your breath away - so based on my outlook on life I would be on the side of the bride to be. Those special moments they will have on a honeymoon cannot account for all the money in the world.

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