to think mortgage before honeymoon

[allotmentlover]

DS getting married in 2015, on a budget, young proffessionals with good jobs but big student debt. DS still studying, and still some years of expensive exams ahead of him.
They deceided to scale down their (very expensive) origonal wedding plans, as saving for deposit for mortgage, (which is very high in south east). However, fiance is adamant she wants a luxury honeymoon, says if compromising on wedding, doesnt want to compromise on honeymoon as well. DS wants to have a cheaper honeymoon, and use any money they have towards deposit. (but if money no object he too would love expensive honeymoon) Fiance's view is that this will be their last opprotunity for a big holiday before they have to be "grownups" and save save save. AIBU to think mortgage should come first, or am i just an out of date mum!!,

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW OP, please try not to be all catsbum about any money spent by them, my parents are like that, they like cheap holidays, saving, being frugal, and while that has a place, they also would consider spending that amount on 'just a holiday' immoral.

At my wedding, everything was 'waste of money. My dad rolled his eyes at everything I told them about so I stopped involving them/discussing anything with them. Effectively they were guests rather than hosts, they didn't know what was going on when, because I just couldn't be bothered with their complaints at how we spent our own money. It takes a lot of energy to manage a judgemental scrooge, most people with parents like that either don't do what they can afford and want to do in order to get their approval, or else they just stop involving said frugal person.

You don't have to say anything, but just by giving looks or making comments about going on cheap walking holidays you are passing judgement. You are setting your DIL up for deciding that you don't get to know details or being involved in their lives because you'll judge. Do you want your DIL to spend the rest of her life not discussing things with you because she can't be bothered with working out how to manage your reactions to them spending any money?

I don't feel I can have sensible conversations with my parents about anything that involves spending money because they judge like mad. For example, they offered to buy a pram for us when I had DS and I refused because I just couldn't deal with having to have the cheapest possible regardless of how suitable it would be for us as a family because dad hated 'waste' - even when we could afford the one we wanted without their help. they missed out on shopping with me when I know Mum wanted to come looking at prams and baby things because I knew he'd walk round all catsbum at the prices of them and then nag me to buy the cheapest even if I was paying myself. It's just so draining dealing with parents who judge your spending habits even when they aren't being expected to fund it.

Bearing in mind most of the time MIL and FIL see DS it's because I've arranged it, not DH, you don't want to piss off your future DIL over something that doesn't actually effect you in the slightest, it's just you seem to see it as a moral issue. beak out, smile on face and say "gosh, that sounds like fun." not "how much is that going to set you back?"

[sue52]

I do agree with mortgage first however unless the OP is paying for the wedding and honeymoon it isn't her business to comment. For what it's worth, I had a cheap honeymoon but over the years we have had fantastic holidays when we could afford them.

[Astley]

Life is also for living, not justfor saving! I would have the Honeymoon. I can see potential resentmen after a scaled down wedding honeymoon and stright into saving. You need to have smething nic to look back on.

Saving is miserable and depressing at times. They should enjoy a special honeymoon before all that starts.

[wanderingalbatross]

I'm also with the bride on this one - a honeymoon is a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. We had a luxury honeymoon and I've never regretted it as I got pregnant with DC1 straight after, and I really like that we had one fantastic holiday before settling down to be grown-up. Also, you say they're both young professionals so presumably with good prospects and lots of years to be sensible.

[flowery]

See I struggle to understand this level of involvement. Have you expressed your views to your DS at all, because if you have I think that's over the line tbh. It wouldn't occur to my parents to express a view on how we spend our money, or to know how much anything costs us. Same as how they spend their money is none of my business either.

Presumably the reason is because you have given them money towards the wedding?

Having said that, DHs parents paid for our honeymoon. They gave us a fixed amount to spend and at no point wanted to know how much it had actually cost, or expressed a view about whether spending more would have not been sensible or similar. I don't think we did spend more because we were pretty skint, but we certainly didn't discuss our honeymoon decisions with them.

I would agree with the bride, and if she knows you and your DS are discussing it, I would expect her to be pretty unhappy about it tbh.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

I am pretty sensible with money but even I think they should go for the wonderful honeymoon. It's not as it they are spending money they don't have just that the savings won't grow quite as quickly to build up their deposit. I loved our honeymoon - it was the trip of a lifetime. I think doing as much travelling you can afford before you have children is important. You just can't enjoy those grown up trips in quite the same way afterwards :)

[Fizzler99]

Sometimes life is too short to always be sensible and save save save. They need to enjoy themselves a bit too and the honeymoon will be something they will remember for a lifetime. I know someone who's husband recently passed away (in his 30s) and I imagine now her honeymoon memories are one of the most precious things she has.

However I agree they also need to be a bit sensible and save.

It's about finding the balance. I would say they should have a decent honeymoon but not go totally crazy on the price, if they shop around and are creative they should be able to plan something amazing but not too expensive.

Is there anything else they could sacrifice to contribute to the honeymoon? Such as giving up daily Starbucks, gym memberships that they don't use, etc

At the end of the day though, they are adults so it's up to them.

[AnneEyhtMeyer]

If you comment on this to either of them, or if you show your disapproval then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of issues with your son and DIL.

There are countless threads on here about interfering and / or disapproving MILs. This is how it starts.

[Sallyingforth]

I personally think it's wrong to spend all that money when you are in debt and still paying to learn.
But (as long as you're not being asked to pay for it) it's none of your business. Let them live their lives as they choose, and be happy for them.