to think mortgage before honeymoon

[allotmentlover]

DS getting married in 2015, on a budget, young proffessionals with good jobs but big student debt. DS still studying, and still some years of expensive exams ahead of him.
They deceided to scale down their (very expensive) origonal wedding plans, as saving for deposit for mortgage, (which is very high in south east). However, fiance is adamant she wants a luxury honeymoon, says if compromising on wedding, doesnt want to compromise on honeymoon as well. DS wants to have a cheaper honeymoon, and use any money they have towards deposit. (but if money no object he too would love expensive honeymoon) Fiance's view is that this will be their last opprotunity for a big holiday before they have to be "grownups" and save save save. AIBU to think mortgage should come first, or am i just an out of date mum!!,

[Sallyingforth]

I personally think it's wrong to spend all that money when you are in debt and still paying to learn.
But (as long as you're not being asked to pay for it) it's none of your business. Let them live their lives as they choose, and be happy for them.

[AnneEyhtMeyer]

If you comment on this to either of them, or if you show your disapproval then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of issues with your son and DIL.

There are countless threads on here about interfering and / or disapproving MILs. This is how it starts.

[Fizzler99]

Sometimes life is too short to always be sensible and save save save. They need to enjoy themselves a bit too and the honeymoon will be something they will remember for a lifetime. I know someone who's husband recently passed away (in his 30s) and I imagine now her honeymoon memories are one of the most precious things she has.

However I agree they also need to be a bit sensible and save.

It's about finding the balance. I would say they should have a decent honeymoon but not go totally crazy on the price, if they shop around and are creative they should be able to plan something amazing but not too expensive.

Is there anything else they could sacrifice to contribute to the honeymoon? Such as giving up daily Starbucks, gym memberships that they don't use, etc

At the end of the day though, they are adults so it's up to them.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

I am pretty sensible with money but even I think they should go for the wonderful honeymoon. It's not as it they are spending money they don't have just that the savings won't grow quite as quickly to build up their deposit. I loved our honeymoon - it was the trip of a lifetime. I think doing as much travelling you can afford before you have children is important. You just can't enjoy those grown up trips in quite the same way afterwards :)

[flowery]

See I struggle to understand this level of involvement. Have you expressed your views to your DS at all, because if you have I think that's over the line tbh. It wouldn't occur to my parents to express a view on how we spend our money, or to know how much anything costs us. Same as how they spend their money is none of my business either.

Presumably the reason is because you have given them money towards the wedding?

Having said that, DHs parents paid for our honeymoon. They gave us a fixed amount to spend and at no point wanted to know how much it had actually cost, or expressed a view about whether spending more would have not been sensible or similar. I don't think we did spend more because we were pretty skint, but we certainly didn't discuss our honeymoon decisions with them.

I would agree with the bride, and if she knows you and your DS are discussing it, I would expect her to be pretty unhappy about it tbh.

[wanderingalbatross]

I'm also with the bride on this one - a honeymoon is a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. We had a luxury honeymoon and I've never regretted it as I got pregnant with DC1 straight after, and I really like that we had one fantastic holiday before settling down to be grown-up. Also, you say they're both young professionals so presumably with good prospects and lots of years to be sensible.

[Astley]

Life is also for living, not justfor saving! I would have the Honeymoon. I can see potential resentmen after a scaled down wedding honeymoon and stright into saving. You need to have smething nic to look back on.

Saving is miserable and depressing at times. They should enjoy a special honeymoon before all that starts.

[sue52]

I do agree with mortgage first however unless the OP is paying for the wedding and honeymoon it isn't her business to comment. For what it's worth, I had a cheap honeymoon but over the years we have had fantastic holidays when we could afford them.

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW OP, please try not to be all catsbum about any money spent by them, my parents are like that, they like cheap holidays, saving, being frugal, and while that has a place, they also would consider spending that amount on 'just a holiday' immoral.

At my wedding, everything was 'waste of money. My dad rolled his eyes at everything I told them about so I stopped involving them/discussing anything with them. Effectively they were guests rather than hosts, they didn't know what was going on when, because I just couldn't be bothered with their complaints at how we spent our own money. It takes a lot of energy to manage a judgemental scrooge, most people with parents like that either don't do what they can afford and want to do in order to get their approval, or else they just stop involving said frugal person.

You don't have to say anything, but just by giving looks or making comments about going on cheap walking holidays you are passing judgement. You are setting your DIL up for deciding that you don't get to know details or being involved in their lives because you'll judge. Do you want your DIL to spend the rest of her life not discussing things with you because she can't be bothered with working out how to manage your reactions to them spending any money?

I don't feel I can have sensible conversations with my parents about anything that involves spending money because they judge like mad. For example, they offered to buy a pram for us when I had DS and I refused because I just couldn't deal with having to have the cheapest possible regardless of how suitable it would be for us as a family because dad hated 'waste' - even when we could afford the one we wanted without their help. they missed out on shopping with me when I know Mum wanted to come looking at prams and baby things because I knew he'd walk round all catsbum at the prices of them and then nag me to buy the cheapest even if I was paying myself. It's just so draining dealing with parents who judge your spending habits even when they aren't being expected to fund it.

Bearing in mind most of the time MIL and FIL see DS it's because I've arranged it, not DH, you don't want to piss off your future DIL over something that doesn't actually effect you in the slightest, it's just you seem to see it as a moral issue. beak out, smile on face and say "gosh, that sounds like fun." not "how much is that going to set you back?"

[LilMissSunshine9]

Life is counted by the number of years you live but by the number of memories you can truly say took your breath away - so based on my outlook on life I would be on the side of the bride to be. Those special moments they will have on a honeymoon cannot account for all the money in the world.

[WilsonFrickett]

You like cheap hols. Great. But it's not your honeymoon, is it? It's for them to negotiate, as the rest of their married lives will be. If you don't pull back from this I foresee trouble ahead tbh.

Although I'd throw myself off a cruise, like.

[FanjoString]

You have to strike a balance between saving and living. Between striving for long term goals, and creating memories right now that will last a lifetime.

I say this as part of a recent graduate couple who are saving hard for a deposit (stashing a substantial amount each month and living VERY frugally), but also entirely funded our shoestring-budget wedding but fairly lavish honeymoon. Our honeymoon was incredible and will endure as a fantastic memory, hopefully for the rest of our lives. We will get to buy a house one day, it won't be a good time for us to buy for a few more years and we should have 40% to put down by then. All without by family assistance (the bonus being no judgement or input from them about our decisions!)

[Bejeena]

How can he get a mortgage if he is still studing anyway?

I think YABU it is their business. A honeymoon is a holiday of a lifetime, a mortgage is not the be all and end all. They have their whole working lives to buy a house

[derekthehamster]

We had a budget honeymoon (week in the brecon beacons, in Oct, in the rain )

It was lovely because it was our honeymoon, but I wish we'd gone somewhere else warmer

I agree that once children come along, it'll be a long time before they can do anything like it again. (16 years married, and I'm still waiting)

[MrsBungleBear]

I'm with the fiance. An extra £2K isn't that much if they are scaling down the wedding. A honeymoon is a once in a life time holiday. They have plenty of time for saving and the daily grind of mortgages etc.

I had an expensive honeymoon in the Maldives and it is one of my best ever memories.

[purrpurr]

I'm with the fiancee. My honeymoon was a once in a lifetime holiday, which cost just under 5k, and was very worth it. We'll have memories to look back on for the rest of our lives. We do kinda live on beans on toast most of the time, and we have a mortgage, and we had a cheap wedding. I think something's got to give at some point.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to think this but I would really hope you're keeping your opinions to yourself and not backing your son up, leaving the fiancee out in the cold.

[Hobbitation]

Depends what you want really. If I went on a cruise I think I'd be throwing myself off the boat at some point. Likewise paying several grand to lie on a beach, however nice the beach. We had a walking holiday with Explore in Andalucia, bloody brilliant and not cheaper than a lot of coastal package holidays. We'd already had a honeymoon type holiday in Italy soon after we first met, and we'd done lots of other romantic coupley holidays, though no mega luxury ones. We bought a house 5 years before we got married - what with house prices going up 25% a year at the time...

But having said that it probably doesn't matter so much when you buy a house now - the important thing for anyone getting married at all is to have a similar attitude towards money. So whatever they decide, as long as they can come to agreement, it's fine!

[DontmindifIdo]

oh and once DCs come along, even if you can afford this sort of holiday, they are often ruled out for the first 15 years or so. Then having to pay for 4 adult prices (it's amazing how young you have to pay for adult prices!) means what they can just about do now won't be an option. Even then, the drinking until sunrise etc bits of carefree, young couple holidays just aren't an option with children in tow.

[elliejjtiny]

Not sure how much our honeymoon cost (1k sounds about right) but we went to a B&B with a pool on the IOW for a week. Did some day trips, couple of nice meals out, had a great time. Both sets of parents thought it was a daft idea going on honeymoon when we had just finished university with debts but we haven't had a holiday since (8.5 years ago) apart from staying with inlaws etc so I'm glad we did it.

[DontmindifIdo]

To be honest, an extra £2k isn't going to make the that much of a difference over the course of a mortgage - however, this might be the last chance they ever have to have a holiday of this standard. This is once in a lifetime experience and memories vs an extra one or two months of paying a mortgage.

There of course is a place for being sensible, but there is also a place for having fun and creating good memories.

[fedupwithdeployment]

Agreed. Having seen that, I am probably with the fiancée. Our not mega bucks holiday in Italy (12 years ago) was about £3k + lots of extras. Wouldn't fancy the cruise mind you, but that's me.

Since then all our holidays have been holidays in France (s/c) or staying with friends....

[AKissIsNotAContract]

A £4000 cruise is pretty restrained for a honeymoon IMO. They are probably going to need to save at least 30k for a house deposit which could take them years so I'd have a nice honeymoon first if I were them.

[allotmentlover]

maybe its a bit to do with what our respective families did as typical holidays during childhood. Our family have always done active/walking/exploring type holidays in self catered cottages, generally quite inexpensive, whereas his fiances family have done the hotel relaxing on the beach type holidays in more exclusive places, generally very expensive. They were not planning on an ultra cheap honeymoon i might add, fiance wants a £4000 cruise, DS feels £2000 should be enough to get somewhere nice.

[Katienana]

I think they should have the honeymoon. Its great that they are saving for a deposit, but life is short and they can keep on saving after the honeymoon. I don't think they will regret going on a lovely trip. Those kind of holidays may not be possible for many years if they start a family etc.

[fedupwithdeployment]

We bought a new house a couple of years ago at the age of c40, and will have a mortgage until c65 (unless we pay it off early which we are likely to do)....it is an ongoing thing.

When we got married (c30) we did have a nice honeymoon. Not mega bucks, but nice hotel in Italy for 2 weeks and nice dinners...I won't forget it and we had a wonderful time.

I would go for the honeymoon - but as others have said, it is their decision to make together.