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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH missing DDs birthday will not 'emotionally scar' her

74 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 18:31

DH and I were out with friends today and mentioned our plans for DDs birthday.
DH was working last weekend which was DDs 8th birthday.
DD had a sleepover with two friends a birthday cake and opened her presents then. We are taking her out this weekend as a family to the cinema and then for pizza.
One friend was horrified when we explained this and she said we would emotionally scar her if DH wasn't there on her actual birthday. Another friend agreed and said we would damage her.

DH was really upset by this because he works hard for us and now he thinks he may have damaged our DCS. I think they are BU but they were very upset on DDs behalf. So AIBU?

OP posts:
twinklesparkles · 17/01/2013 18:34

How was your dd?? It sounds like she had a nice birthday!
? You can always do something with her and yourself/dh another time.

Your friends are being unreasonable

If your dd was upset fair enough, but it sounds like dd is fine?? Has she said anything?

TheFallenNinja · 17/01/2013 18:36

Emotionally scar???? Really. How stupid.

DuchessOfAvon · 17/01/2013 18:36

YANBU or maybe YABU - I can't seem to get my head round your title and work out the right reply. Its been a long week.

Anyway - can't remember my Dad ever being home for a birthday when I was a kid and I am perfectly twitchy normal.

As twinkle says, unless your DD is upset, then no need to worry.

TidyDancer · 17/01/2013 18:37

Oh FFS. Your friends are fucking stupid. HTH.

Tee2072 · 17/01/2013 18:37

Bullshit. Are your friends generally moronic and rude?

wigglesrock · 17/01/2013 18:38

My husband has missed about half of our daughters birthdays (I have 3), he works shift patterns including weekends and nights. My dd3 will be 2 next month - he will be there for neither her actual birthday nor her little party - we'll cope Grin.

Needs must etc and all those other granny phrases I now find myself using!

McNewPants2013 · 17/01/2013 18:38

if he has to work, he has to work.

she had fun with her friends and also a special treat as a family unit.

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 18:38

DD said she was fine and she decided what she wanted to do. She had a good time at the sleepover and is looking forward to going out this weekend.

But our friends think that she was hiding her emotions and that she will not be close to DH because of this.

OP posts:
Kiriwawa · 17/01/2013 18:39

Your friends sound a bit immature and silly tbh

ChaoticintheNewYear · 17/01/2013 18:40

Your friends are being ridiculous.

There are loads of DC out there whose parents are serving in the armed forces, for example, and who are not there for their birthdays. I highly doubt they are all emotionally scarred.

PleasePudding · 17/01/2013 18:40

YADNBU - my dad was in the army and missed a fair few of my birthdays and it never for a second occurred to me or my siblings that he loved us and would have been there if he possibly could apart from maybe the noisy, screaming,manic birthday party bit but that he, like your poor DH, had a duty to be somewhere else.

Seriously that's crazy!

DeepRedBetty · 17/01/2013 18:40

What rude thoughtless 'friends'!

dd at 8 is perfectly capable of understanding that Daddy would have loved to have been there but duty called him away.

AngryTrees · 17/01/2013 18:41

Stupid thing to say and very wrong. So many people may be unable to attend their children's birthdays- nurses, soldiers, lorry drivers, blah blah blah the list goes on. It's a reality of life that not everyone can make their child's party or day out. It's a bloody shame, but it isn't scarring anyone!

How utterly precious to suggest that she'll be scarred. If he's a loving and involved father (and it certainly sounds like he is) then she'll be fine.

AllYoursBabooshka · 17/01/2013 18:41

I think you need new friends.

I would be having it out with anyone who accused me of "damaging" my child, especially over something like that.

Them be fighting words.

5madthings · 17/01/2013 18:42

Your friends are stupid!!

Dp has missed ds1,s day for the last few years as he has to go away with work the week of his day. Work have always arranged this trip on the same dates and dp has to go. Ds1speaks to him join the phone and dp often films a bday message for him to listen to on his day.

He was 13 this year and is in no way damaged that his dad misses his day, iuf anything he likes the fact that when dp gets home he gets to have another day celebration!

mynewpassion · 17/01/2013 18:43

Your friends are bollocks. If he wasn't there to celebrate the actual day but celebrated later or gave her a card/do something to acknowledge it, that is all that matters. She knows that he cares even if he wasn't there on that specific day.

If her birthday went unacknowledged by your DH, then your DD will be "emotionally scarred."

cocolepew · 17/01/2013 18:43

Your friends are idiots .

DawnOfTheDee · 17/01/2013 18:43

Thinking back I can only remember a few of my birthdays from primary-school age.

I would suggest that you are more at risk of being emotionally scarred by hanging out with hysterical drama-llama fuckwits Wink

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 18:45

We left very soon afterwards.
It mainly shocked me that they seemed so horrified that DH hadn't got the day off etc and kept saying how they would leave their partners if they missed a family birthday.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 17/01/2013 18:46

omg how dramatic are your friends seriously emotionally scar for crying out loud these people know nothing about neglect of children and emotional scarring, your dd will grow up emotionally stable and wont throw back in her dads face when she is 30 but you missed my 8th birthday,

my dds have had 19 and 14 birthdays and their dad has worked most of them, we just do what you did, no emotional scarring to be seen ,

mrsjay · 17/01/2013 18:47

hysterical drama-llama fuckwits

love this Grin

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 18:47

DawnOfTheDee - Grin

OP posts:
BattlingFanjos · 17/01/2013 18:48

My dad worked away mon-Fri fir around 16 years and so missed a lot of our birthdays (3 of us) and I can safely say we're not emotionally scarred by it!
What a really stupid thing to say! As if you and your DH wouldn't want it another way. Sounds like she will have had a lovely birthday! Ignore them OP

mrsjay · 17/01/2013 18:49

But our friends think that she was hiding her emotions and that she will not be close to DH because of this.

jeezus it gets worse dd is closer to her dad than me they chat about cars and stuff , your daughter and her dad will be fine

tootssweet · 17/01/2013 18:50

My lovely Dad was away for most of my birthdays when I was younger & I don't feel it has left any trauma in my life! He like your DH was working hard to make sure we had a better upbringing than he had. I think your friends maybe need to get a little perspective - not every child has a dad who loves & cares for them or has the option to be at home for birthdays (military etc.)

Ignore them your dd will probably enjoy getting double the treats - I know mine would!

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