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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH missing DDs birthday will not 'emotionally scar' her

74 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 18:31

DH and I were out with friends today and mentioned our plans for DDs birthday.
DH was working last weekend which was DDs 8th birthday.
DD had a sleepover with two friends a birthday cake and opened her presents then. We are taking her out this weekend as a family to the cinema and then for pizza.
One friend was horrified when we explained this and she said we would emotionally scar her if DH wasn't there on her actual birthday. Another friend agreed and said we would damage her.

DH was really upset by this because he works hard for us and now he thinks he may have damaged our DCS. I think they are BU but they were very upset on DDs behalf. So AIBU?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 17/01/2013 18:51

They are clearly the types who take a week off for their own birthdays, keep their kids off school to celebrate, huff because their DPs 'just don't understand how important my special day is' and start threads because a person dates to get married ten days either side of their 43rd birthday just to spite them.

Drama llamas is right.

FFS.

SpicyPear · 17/01/2013 18:52

They were way over the top by the sounds of things (emotionally scar?!) but it depends a bit on his job. My DF had a normal office job, very easy to take time off if booked ahead and tbh it did upset me that he never took a day off to spend my birthday with me as a child and I was a lot close to my DM. But that's in the context of other (albeit fairly minor) issues between us though. If he had been in a job where it it was difficult to take time off I wouldn't have felt that way.

olgaga · 17/01/2013 18:54

Is it possible these two are a little jealous and took the opportunity to criticise something - even something so pathetic as that? They don't sound like very good friends to me!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 17/01/2013 18:54

My dh missed dds party this year. We had booked a soft play barn and he hates them was really busy so couldn't come. (He was genuinely busy actually, but he does hate them.)

I don't think in the general screaming and tearing around that she really noticed.

coldinthesun · 17/01/2013 18:55

My FIL missed my DH's birthday when he was about ten. He was a workaholic and worked abroad a lot, but he made a point of being back for every birthday of his three kids. Apart from this once.

DH still gets upset about it, though in part its about his father being away for long periods rather than just his birthday. The birthday is just the thing that represents it all. He feels like he missed out on the relationship. He's his father's son in a way that his sibling aren't so took it particularly hard, especially because of the way his mother favours her other two children too (I thought for a long time he was being oversensitive but unfortunately I've witnessed enough now to think differently).

So though I wouldn't say your DD will be emotionally scarred, I would say that it depends on the full picture about whether your DH is around or not and the nature of their relationship.

Birthdays can be a focus point... as trivial and as petty as it may seem to some people. So I think I kind of understand where your friends might be coming from if they have had a similar experience.

I do think its an exception rather than the rule though.

DSM · 17/01/2013 18:55

Yeah, your friends are stupid. And very rude. And immature and pathetic.

Get new friends.

asasa · 17/01/2013 18:55

I vaguely remember both of my parents being away for one of my birthdays when I was around your DD's age (possibly younger), so me and my sister stayed with our grandparents.

It was awesome. I got a treasure hunt to find my presents

Original poster

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 19:02

DH is basically doctor in charge of a small team of people.
He mainly works 9-5 during the week and works one weekend a month. He books his holidays during school holidays so he is there for the DCs as much as he can be.

OP posts:

SpicyPear · 17/01/2013 19:03

coldinthesun has just explained very nicely what I tried and failed miserably to get across! Some posters seem to be missing the point that birthdays are quite a big deal to an 8 year old and you can't judge it's importance from an adult viewpoint.

UptoapointLordCopper · 17/01/2013 19:03

hysterical drama-llama fuckwits

Is this copyrighted or can we use it in other places?

catgirl1976 · 17/01/2013 19:05

Your friends are being idiots

I cant remember my 8th birthday

Your DD will be fine

AllYoursBabooshka · 17/01/2013 19:05

I think I vaguely remember my dad missing my 9th birthday because of work but I can't really be sure.

What I do remember about my 9th birthday was that I got presents and went to the farm and fed a baby goat. My Dad could have been on Mars as far as I as concerned.

Maybe I was a fickle child?

AllYoursBabooshka · 17/01/2013 19:07

(I could have said "Kid" instead of baby Goat but that would have looked odd)

5madthings · 17/01/2013 19:14

My dad was away a lot and missed lots of bdays (RAF) and it didn't bother me.

If your dh was a crap dad in other ways maybe it would be an issue, but then you would have the bigger issue of a crap dad to deal with.

For most children with normal like being parents a parent being absent for a day is not a big deal.

DawnOfTheDee · 17/01/2013 19:17

UptoapointLordCopper by all means use it! I wanna see it on at least 3 other threads by this time tomorrow

Original poster

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 19:19

coldinthesun et al - That is what DH is worried about. That DD has taken it to heart and that she will remeber it for years to come.

OP posts:

DialMforMummy · 17/01/2013 19:20

Your friends were really U. I'd be interested to know what else they think might be traumatic for children....

specialsubject · 17/01/2013 19:20

these 'friends' are too dumb to deserve the vote. And only just this side of being worth fresh air, let alone any of your time.

clearly your child is far less childish than they are!

DialMforMummy · 17/01/2013 19:24

I see what you mean aname but if your DH is actually quite present and involved in DD's life then I really don't think it's a problem. If like the op, he is a workaholic then the problem is the fact that he does not see your DD enough rather than miss her birthday. But this is not the case, is it?

coldinthesun · 17/01/2013 19:28

AnameIcouldnotthinkof, its about making sure he's there when he needs her and isn't treated differently from other siblings DH's experience.

Its about expectation and then being let down rather than actually not being there.

If your DD has plenty to distract her and has loads of fun then thats what she'll remember. If she's one to be sat by the door waiting patiently for Daddy to come home...

DH I think felt that his father would turn up at the last minute as a surprise as he had done for siblings and because a big deal had been made of the fact that his father was always there for birthdays even though he worked away. When he didn't...

Original poster

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 19:29

I don't think it is the case. DH is very much in our DCs lives and he spends as much time as possible with them.
I think this has just made DH question himself and the way we do things.

OP posts:

thebody · 17/01/2013 19:31

Stepford wives... Get other friends. My dh works away and missed many birthdays.

Being a dad is about providing, contributing and living 365 days of the year not just one!

thebody · 17/01/2013 19:33

Loving not living... And meant your friends stepford wives not you op obviously, sorry tired.

meddie · 17/01/2013 19:33

I really thought long and hard about this one....
Tell your mates to fuck off and stop being so bloody ridiculous.

Smellslikecatspee · 17/01/2013 19:36

Dear Lord, I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

hysterical drama-llama fuckwits to the power of 10

FFS sake she had 2 birthday celebrations over 2 weekends, sounds fab to me.

Missing a birthday will not scar her for life in the nicest possible way get a grip. And your DH is a doctor, he must have done an AE post, and seen children who actually are scarred for life both physically and mentally.

You sound like very caring involved parents with bad taste in friends

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