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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH missing DDs birthday will not 'emotionally scar' her

74 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 18:31

DH and I were out with friends today and mentioned our plans for DDs birthday.
DH was working last weekend which was DDs 8th birthday.
DD had a sleepover with two friends a birthday cake and opened her presents then. We are taking her out this weekend as a family to the cinema and then for pizza.
One friend was horrified when we explained this and she said we would emotionally scar her if DH wasn't there on her actual birthday. Another friend agreed and said we would damage her.

DH was really upset by this because he works hard for us and now he thinks he may have damaged our DCS. I think they are BU but they were very upset on DDs behalf. So AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 17/01/2013 19:38

We don't make a big deal of DH being around for birthdays we just tried to give her fun things to do and explained it was like having 2 birthday treats rather than one.

OP posts:

coldinthesun · 17/01/2013 19:39

I think you are probably fine then. If your DH is questioning it and worried about it, then I don't think its a problem - if he didn't, that would be more of an issue. I think you've answered your doubts about it all.

I think it probably reflects on the relationships your friends had rather than the fact you are 'terrible parents'. I see where they are coming from and certainly don't think you should dump them as friends on the basis of this alone. I feel pretty sorry for them actually.

However they feel about it, I do think its got to be about more than 'just a party'.

SpicyPear · 17/01/2013 19:39

I think in my case and cold's DH it obviously took on more meaning as representative of other failings in the relationship so if all else is well and it was properly explained that he would have loved to have spent it with her etc. then I'm sure it's fine.

Just thought some of the reaction re. your friends was a but uncalled for. They do sound a bit hysterical but it's not a completely ridiculous point to raise, in my view. And from your post maybe you hadn't both considered it properly from a child's POV before so it was useful to discuss it, albeit could have been done in less hysterical fashion. Talking about parents in the forces is hardly relevant when the parent is in the UK and could have rearranged shifts. But I accept I'm in a minority of hysterical drama-llama fuckwits on this one and slink off now

Kalisi · 17/01/2013 19:40

What a croc of shit!

Parents in the armed forces
Parents working away from home
Parents in hospital
Parents that are separated
Parents caring for sick relatives

Yes, all their children will be damaged for life when they miss a Birthday Party
Your friends are idiots. Just explain why DH can't be there to your daughter and do something lovely another time (as you already have) He sounds like a lovely Dad

Twattybollocks · 17/01/2013 19:42

My dad missed most of my birthdays growing up due to work. Yes it did hurt my feelings sometimes, especially as it was most birthdays he missed, but I'm not emotionally scarred!

weblette · 17/01/2013 19:44

YADNBU maybe we should start saying for the therapy ds3 will obviously need in the future as dh missed his 5th birthday on Tuesday He's missed several over the years, they cope just fine funnily enough.

Hysterical drama-llama fuckwits indeed.

PacificDogwood · 17/01/2013 19:45

Just joining in the chorus: YANBU. Your friends are neurotic precious immature ridiculous a bit OTT.

There is more to bringing up children than being present on one day a year, even if it is a special day.
Anyway, I think kid's birthdays should be about the mother anyway . So here's toasting you, Aname, hope you had a nice day

PacificDogwood · 17/01/2013 19:46

apostrophy fail kids'

Groovee · 17/01/2013 19:49

My dad was never there on my birthday as he worked for Royal Mail and did night shift during the christmas pressure the week before christmas. It was the way life was. Life doesn't stop because it's a birthday.

Thewhingingdefective · 17/01/2013 19:50

What a daft thing to say. My DH worked all day on our twins' 7th birthday a couple of weeks ago. I took them, by myself, to town to spend their birthday money and we went ice skating. They had fun and were not traumatised because Daddy wasn't there. Then DH and I took them ten pin bowling last weekend with a few friends as their proper birthday treat. I highly doubt they will remember Daddy not being with them on their actual birthday.

UptoapointLordCopper · 17/01/2013 19:52

OP show your DH the thread. Make sure you point to the llama bit. Guaranteed to cheer anyone up (except perhaps the llama themselves).

Sokmonsta · 17/01/2013 19:56

Yabu to think missing her birthday will scar her. My dad missed many of mine through work, dh can't always get time off for our dc's, and tends to try for the day of the party instead for the older ones.

In fact, this year we may well both not be with dd on her birthday as her gp want to take her away for a week. Happens that her birthday is in a school holiday.

We will simply celebrate with her on a different day. She's young enough not to know the difference.

chipsandpeas · 17/01/2013 19:59

wow my dad missed a lot of my birthdays and christmas's cos he worked away i wouldnt say it emotionally scared me

BaresarkBunny · 17/01/2013 20:21

I dread to think how emotiinally scarred my ds is then. He's six and dh has only be here for one of his birthdays and that was his last one.

My advice would be ignore those people who don't realise that a job is not necessarily 9 -5

Gooeyhead · 17/01/2013 20:23

Well our DD Is going to be well and truly screwed!!! We both work 24/7 shifts and this year we miss her birthday, Boxing Day and New Year's Day (she's only 7 months though)!! We both tried to get them off work but alas no luck!!! And it's going to be like this for years to come!! But never mind... Our DD will be spoilt rotten by family members and when we're both off we'll have our double and triple time money to spoil her too!!!! You've gotta do what you've gotta do... Your friends are being unreasonable!!!

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/01/2013 20:26

Do your friends have kids? They sound absolutely stupid, and quite nasty too. They have got no idea.

Original poster

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 18/01/2013 17:19

My friends have kids around the same age as mine.
We may not go out with DD after all due to the snow

OP posts:

hopeful92 · 18/01/2013 17:23

For goodness sake, your dd will not not be emotionally scarred - it's not like you refused to do anything for her birthday! It sounds to me like she had a lovely birthday; ignore your silly "friends".

BackforGood · 18/01/2013 17:27

I think your choice of friends is more doubtful than your parenting

My dds LOVE having 'two' (or they sometimes squeeze in 3) birthdays by doing something one day with their friends and a different day with us. They'd feel most deprived if everything happened on one day . Obviously then it's not all going to happen on the actual day.

hopenglory · 18/01/2013 17:31

What happens when her birthday falls on a school day? Is he supposed to take the dy off then - and would he have to have the day off of school too? She's old enough to understand - and she gets two celebrations too. Of course she's not going to be harmed. How on earth do these friends cope with life on a daily basis?

thegreylady · 18/01/2013 17:38

Your dd will have forgotten by next week. She will remember the family day this weekend and the sleepover. She knows she is loved by both parents that will give her an emotional strength that can't be touched by unavoidable things. These people aren't friends they are destructive idiots.

domesticslattern · 18/01/2013 17:51

I think it's worth reflecting on the kinds of things that do emotionally scar children. Domestic abuse, physical violence, losing a parent, witnessing an appalling tragedy etc
Celebrating a birthday one day with friends and another day with family? No.
Hysterical drama llamas indeed.

Andro · 18/01/2013 18:05

Echoing those who say that if the rest of the relationship is strong and it's not part of a patters (continual last min let downs), it won't be an issue.

If there are other problems, then it can become a focal point that leads to accusations of the type 'you don't love me, you can't even be bothered to turn up for '

JustFoldingStars · 18/01/2013 18:23

I know it's slightly different but I grew up with divorced parents. I can't remember a birthday with both of them present. We had 2 separate celebrations, so there would always be 1 parent absent on the actual day.

I do not think I am emotionally scarred! I have a brilliant relationship with both my mum and my dad. They have both been there for me through thick and thin and I know I can 100% count on their support.

Your DD has had a celebration with her friends and a family celebration. I do not think she will be emotionally scarred over your DH not being there on the actual day. Don't let these people's comments get to you. You sound like you all had a fun time

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