Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH isn't being fair?

62 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:12

I have two options at work - I can either live away in London during the week (and be home late Friday, leave late Sunday) or work in London during the weekend and be home mon through Thursday and leave Friday night return Monday morning.
OH works Mon- Fri 7-5 so I can either see him weekday evenings or whole weekends. (we live together)

He says he prefers me to work weekends so he is free to do what he wants and see his mates and get to see me during the week after work.

AIBU to be hurt and interpret this as him wanting to spend more time with his friends than me?

Which would you pick in the evenings vs weekends? I am completely divided

OP posts:
FelicityWasSanta · 12/01/2013 11:14

Yanbu if he has basically told you he doesn't want to see you at the weekend...

Yabu for basing your decision on exactly what he wants.

whois · 12/01/2013 11:15

I would work the week days assuming most of your friends work the week. If you work weekends you'll never get to see OH for more than a few hours and be difficult to have weekends away, attend normal social events etc

Lambzig · 12/01/2013 11:15

Is it a permanent decision or something you can change week by week.

I would definitely prefer to have weekends off - not surprised you are hurt.

grobagsforever · 12/01/2013 11:19

I would pick weekends. How much time do you normally spend together?

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:21

Permenant really.
If I worked weekends I could work "FT" on a small business I'm building and hopefully be able to quit weekends after a year or so. Plus could spend more time studying etc

OH says he would see me more and reduce "conflict in our relationship" as he won't have to feel obliged to see me weekends when he wants to see his mates (note I have made it clear that I'm fine with him spending time with mates so long as I still get to see him)

OP posts:
Yfronts · 12/01/2013 11:22

What do you want to do? You need some time together - days away etc

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:23

We've recently been in a rut and after some drama early this week have vowed to spend more quality time with one another instead of justing living around one another.
I just can't see how we could really enjoy our time together over four evenings when he's tired from work, dog has been on own all day and needs attention etc

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 11:24

I would be really hurt. It doesn't actually sound like you are in a marriage.

Did you post something else about him recently?

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:25

With his holiday and mine we could spend perhaps two full days a month together - and make sure they are spent "away" - we're thinking of buying a camper...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:27

Alibaba - In relationships, yeah. Confused a long story. Definitely no IW btw before anyone says!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:27
  • No OW Blush sorry
OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 11:30

"OH says he would see me more and reduce "conflict in our relationship" as he won't have to feel obliged to see me weekends when he wants to see his mates"

Hmm

I think you should work weekends, build your business, and ditch this bloke.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 11:32

Ah I remember. He thinks you rely on him too much, you've given up uni and mates to stay at home and save money - is that you?

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 11:32

Seriously, someone who will only spend time with you under sufferance is not worth your time.

He wants a live in sex buddy to keep him company during the week, but his free time is reserved for other people.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:40

It's a bit more complicated that that. He doesn't think I rely on him too much (though I realise that perhaps I did) but wanted to do more fun stuff (such as spend time on the weekends with his mates) - he's been super clingy since his wobble so that's not the issue

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 12/01/2013 11:41

Theseventh, many years ago, I used to work shifts, and fiance used to work a different shift. No choice. We were never at the 'same place' when we spent time together, one of us was always more knackered than the other, and the other one would want to go out, etc. Doesn't help relationships IME. And no, we didn't end up getting married...

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:48

Parsley - do you think you were meant to stay together? Was he the "one who got away" and the only issue was the different shifts?

OP posts:
waltermittymistletoe · 12/01/2013 11:51

He sounds like a knob.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:54

Walter - don't they all when typed out in black and white Grin

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 11:59

No, they don't all.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 11:59

Seventh I'll go back to what I said on your other thread.

You are really really young, too young to be running your life based on what a man wants you to do. Do you want to work weekends, or weeks? If you worked weeks then you could go and see your own friends at the weekends.

Can you see how selfish he is being? He wants you there in the week to sort all the domestic stuff, keep him company when he finishes work and shag him. Then he wants you to fuck off for the weekend so that he can go out with his mates and pretend he is single.

He has no respect for you, I doubt he really loves you, and you are wasting all your young life hanging around doing what he wants when you should be out living your life.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 12:00

And no, they don't all sound like knobs when in black and white.

That is you, as a very young woman thinking you are being all worldly wise by accepting his faults blah blah. You are not being wise, you are being blind. This guy has a fault-line a mile wide, not just a couple of annoying habits.

Pandemoniaa · 12/01/2013 12:01

I can't see anything wrong in having some different interests and pursuing them separately. That's what DP and I do and it suits us very well. However, this all gets balanced by the things we choose to do together.

If I had a partner who felt that my company at weekends was an obligation and got in the way of his preferred activities then I'd be questioning the future of the relationship.

If I were you, OP, I'd choose the pattern of work that suits you best. If your DP can't bear your company at the weekend then I'd look for someone who could!

heyannie · 12/01/2013 12:05

"AIBU to be hurt and interpret this as him wanting to spend more time with his friends than me?"

No YANBU, because that is exactly what he is saying. Nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with other people, but as a permanent life pattern with someone you committed to marrying? Dubious. Personally I would not want to waste my time with someone who thought so little of me. If it were me I'd have to say "well that doesn't work for me so I'm out". But then I don't think I am suited to marriage so would probably find it easier to flee, not having made vows and stuff.

If you were my friend, I would be desperately hoping you ditch someone who seemingly has quite a lot of control over you, yet holds you in fairly low regard.

waltermittymistletoe · 12/01/2013 12:07

No, Seventh I don't think they all are.

You're asking is he saying he doesn't want to spend time with you. That's exactly what he's saying.

You're ok for week nights but his weekends are for his friends. Every weekend? That sounds like a single person's life. Not one in a committed and long term relationship.