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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH isn't being fair?

62 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 11:12

I have two options at work - I can either live away in London during the week (and be home late Friday, leave late Sunday) or work in London during the weekend and be home mon through Thursday and leave Friday night return Monday morning.
OH works Mon- Fri 7-5 so I can either see him weekday evenings or whole weekends. (we live together)

He says he prefers me to work weekends so he is free to do what he wants and see his mates and get to see me during the week after work.

AIBU to be hurt and interpret this as him wanting to spend more time with his friends than me?

Which would you pick in the evenings vs weekends? I am completely divided

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 12:12

Oh god. You're probably right.
This has been a very recent thing.
Up until the end of last year he was exceptionally committed and devoted and now this...

Surely it isn't as straight forward as this? He's just being honest after all.

OP posts:
SomethingProfound · 12/01/2013 12:15

If your OH wants you to work away at weekends so he can spend time with his mates there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

Sounds to me like he wants you around in the week to keep him company when his mates aren't available.

A relationship is not sustainable when one party does not want to spend their leisure time with the other.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 12:17

Why wouldn't it be straightforward?

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 12:19

Because we were perfect and stable and he wanted to spend every second with me before.
Nothing has changed except he spent a night out on NYE with his younger single mates and he got all nostalgic.

OP posts:
Trills · 12/01/2013 12:21

A more generous interpretation:

It sounds to me like he means that he would rather arrange it so that when you are not around is the time when other people might want to socialise.

If you are away in the week he would be on his own when you are not there.

If you are away at the weekend then he can hang out with his friends when you are not there.

waltermittymistletoe · 12/01/2013 12:21

Ok I hate to say the obvious but are you sure nostalgia is what changed NYE??

Pandemoniaa · 12/01/2013 12:22

Because we were perfect and stable and he wanted to spend every second with me before.

Yes but that's not perfect either, surely? I'd find it totally suffocating to be with anyone who wanted to spend every second with me. A healthy relationship shouldn't be all or nothing but an agreed happy medium.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 12:23

No relationship is perfect, not one. And spending every second together is not healthy or normal.

It sounds like he has realised that he doesn't want to be in such a closed relationship and that he wants to be more independent. Which is his perfect right, however it is rude to keep you hanging around for convenience.

It would be kinder of him to just end things, and I think him saying that he wants you to work away at weekends is his cowardly way of trying to bring that about.

Don't dance to his tune, make your own choices. But do accept that for whatever reason, he no longer wants the relationship with you that he had.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 12:29

Trills - that is pretty much exactly how he tried to define it

OP posts:
heyannie · 12/01/2013 12:31

Well even if that was the case, what on earth would you do twiddling your thumbs all day Monday to Thursday while he is at work? He clearly thinks his time is more important than yours.

Pandemoniaa · 12/01/2013 12:32

It's a valid argument up to a point. However, there's a big difference between being at home alone with the dog during the evening when you've been to work and are probably tired anyway and wanting your partner to work weekends so they don't get in the way of your social life. Which is how his preferred option comes across.

SirBoobAlot · 12/01/2013 12:34

The man is a twat. You can do miles better than being taken for granted and treated like an inconvenience getting in the way of him seeing his friends. What is he, 14?!

Work the hours you want to do, tell him to sod off, and find someone that appreciates you.

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 12:35

Trills's interpretation would make sense if he hadn't said that you being around at weekends would cause conflict because you would expect to see him but he would prefer to see his friends (without you).

It wasn't nostalgia on NYE. He wants the same life as them now.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 12:36

Seventh - which shift pattern would you prefer?

ParsleyTheLioness · 12/01/2013 12:48

Seventh to answer your question....shifts didn't help, but also he was very selfish, and I ended the relationship because he didn't love/value me the way I did him. The two I did marry weren't any better, as it happened. Because of this, I thought of him as The One Who Got Away for a long time. When I finally did a Reality Check, I got to grips with the fact that he wasn't. Decree Absolute due shortly btw... Such as is relevant to your situation, I think that if they really are The One, this would make it more difficult, but not impossible. From what you have written this doesn't sound to me as if he is as committed to the relationship as you. My shift worker df exhibited similar-ish signs of non-commitment....sorry.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 13:17

I think I was being harsh in my explanation of his weekend/weekday preference.
If forced to choose one or the other (and he did say he would rather have me all the time) he said that - with much ummjng and ahhing - that he would choose weekends do he could guarantee me my time during the week and not upset me at weekends by sometimes wanting to go out with his mates even though this is the only time he sees me. Does that make sense Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 13:21

Given the choice I think I won choose working weekends as it frees up time for me to study and build my business and hobbies whilst he is at work.
It would also be good because I would have guaranteed free time to myself during the day (as would he at w/ends) where at the moment I work mon-fri (8-5) at an office, go to London fri evening (from
Midlands) work 24 hour on call till Monday morning where I go straight back to the office job so no free time to do anything!
Though I do enjoy getting the time to chill and read on the train!

OP posts:
Trills · 12/01/2013 13:38

I didn't say that was necessarily the correct interpretation, but we should look at things from both angles.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2013 14:24

I think I was being harsh in my explanation of his weekend/weekday preference.
If forced to choose one or the other (and he did say he would rather have me all the time) he said that - with much ummjng and ahhing - that he would choose weekends do he could guarantee me my time during the week and not upset me at weekends by sometimes wanting to go out with his mates even though this is the only time he sees me. Does that make sense

Oh it makes sense, but listen to what he is actually saying. He is saying that he can't promise to want to spend time with you if there is an alternative option of going out with his friends. I would be absolutely devastated if DH had that attitude to me, and I would be making my plans to leave.

You are making excuses for him, minimising his behaviour.

What I would ask yourself is, why are you so desperate for this relationship to continue, so desperate that you will accept the crumbs of someone's time and attention rather than consider the possibility of being alone?

If working weekends suits you, for your own reasons, then that is what you should do. Just don't make the decision based on what he has said.

MardyArsedMidlander · 12/01/2013 14:38

'but listen to what he is actually saying'

^^ This- in spades. Instead of treating the relationship like the Da Vinci Code- this is a man who will only spend time with you if nothing better is on offer. It's shit at 14, and even shitter in a so called mature relationship.

Trills · 12/01/2013 14:53

He is saying that he can't promise to want to spend time with you if there is an alternative option of going out with his friends.

Or he is saying that he doesn't want to never see his friends, and if the only time he gets to see his partner is at weekends then he would feel guilty for spending time with his friends when he could be spending time with her.

maddening · 12/01/2013 14:59

Move to london and build your business there while working - seriously it's hard going living out of a suitcase so building a business at the same time might be hard with the extra travel and faff that comes with living over 2 bases.

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2013 15:37

He didn't even spend NYE with you?

OP, this man doesn't want a relationship. Is he too tired to go out in the week, so thinks you might as well be there?

Can I ask whether the weekend job would give you as much money as the weekday job?

Personally I'd move out, do the weekends, build up my business and see my friends if I had any spare time. He sounds horrible and no, they don't all sound horrible when written about. Some sound really lovely. He doesn't.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 12/01/2013 15:55

Trills - that's what it is.

And no he was going to spend NYE moping alone at home because I was in London but the got a last minute text from an old friend he'd been losing touch with and went out. He had a great time and suddenly realised how little he'd been enjoying life because we were so determined not to spend money (to save for house) so when I came back he was all confused and uncertain and guilty about having enjoyed himself which of course made me guilty because he clearly thought I was stopping him from seeing his mates, which I really wasn't!

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 12/01/2013 16:26

OP out of everyone on the thread you're clinging to Trills - who is validating what you want to hear.

Do what suits you shift wise. He doesn't sound very committed. If I'm being generous he's having a wobble over your committed relationship, which is fine and understandable as long as at some point he gets over it. If I'm being brutal the explanation is he's just stringing you along because he's realised the benefits of having a part time girllfriend while also living a single life.

Do what suits and benefits you and let him fit around you - after all, thats what he's doing.