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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP to help them decorate ?

123 replies

Lonelybunny · 09/01/2013 21:22

We recently moved into a big house with 2 kids and a 6 week old baby. I suffered pnd because of the move . It was so stressful we has no help and did it all on our own . We have just after 5 months finished decorating and start enjoying the house. Now DP's ne

OP posts:
myfirstkitchen · 10/01/2013 03:05

Yanbu

And ignore nolittle, I've not been here long and already seen it admit on another thread they enjoy winding people up on here for fun. Tragic.

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 07:44

No that's the thing the nephew asked for advise /help on what paint etc and DP just wants to go over making it look like he is clever in his decorating skills ! And they have no kids they are just a couple. Tbh I know it sounds silly but I'd rather the older two here as it is company for me and gives me a reason to get out . I don't have many friends really and they are usually busy with their own families , I also don't have much money so can't really go out shopping or anything I'm just stuck in all day everyday , that's y I love it when DP is here at the weekend as we go out together. It's my means if escape otherwise it will be like every other day stuck indoors or a depressing walk to the park as its free then home .

OP posts:
crashdoll · 10/01/2013 07:49

YANBU and ignore the first poster. You are not selfish, he is the one being selfish. You need the support especially as you have PND and he is their parent too! Ask him how he'd like it if did the same and just assumed he'd look after your children without asking?

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 07:50

And they never help/come to see us it's always a case of DP paying £15 for a travel card it's a joke really but I can't win as he is stubborn but I just needed to vent and make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a mole hill

OP posts:
diddl · 10/01/2013 07:54

I wouldn´t not help just because they didn´t help.

I wouldn´t help because it´s 2hrs away, would leave one person with three ckildren at the weekend & they haven´t actually asked for help.

Husband sounds very selfish tbh.

Can´t believe that he would rather be painting than with his wife & young family.

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 08:27

Think he does it to show off his DIY skills. But I would think after all the stress we have had here he would want to have a break from it for a while .

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 08:32

YANBU

Dh needs reminding that his wife is poorly and needs a bit more support and help atm and his family comes first just at the moment.

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 08:33

And it's not like he can just pop down the road is it - 2 hour train journey?!!

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 08:34

Oh yes he will be gone from say 10 am till 10 pm it's al day as he doesn't rush himself ! He will no doubt pop round to see his sister too for some dinner and watch tv before he comes home !

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/01/2013 08:38

If you know he is like this, why the hell have you had 3 children with him and bought a house? That is a genuine question, because clearly this particular situation is not out of the blue.

Also - if you have money to go out when he is with you, why don't you have money to go out alone?

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 08:39

Is is escapism, so he doesn't have to deal with family life? I have just remembered dh offering to help a mate out on Sundays on his market stall 'because it will be fun.'

Right, so I would be stuck at home with the baby and severe PND?

We had a huge row and in the end he cancelled but looking back yeas later I think it was just a clumsy attempt at him trying to get things back to normal.

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 08:43

He is fantastic when he is here and he works really hard and we get on so well , and it's really not often he goes out , he doesn't drink he doesn't drive either , so I don't want to have a right go cause he never goes out but I just find it strange to want to help ppl who hardly even talk to us ? And I do get really lonely , he buys the shopping etc I could ask him to leave me some cash but I hate asking for money :-/ I do have a little money like £20 till next week but will probs need that for petrol :(

OP posts:
NumericalMum · 10/01/2013 08:48

Sorry but alibaba has a real point. This is your third DC. The first two must've given signs? My DH was a bit useless and I nearly went mad so we have only one child. He admits this now and I am 100% sure he would muck in so much more if we had more DC!

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 08:52

He does muck in when he is here , he will cook and tidy up etc but it's the isolation when I'm all on my own its horrid I hate it. And just don't know y he wants to help decorate when we just finished this massive place !?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 08:54

And I hate the way it's now Thursday and he can just say I'm going to so and so Saturday , there's no "do you mind, or did we need shopping" all he says is "it's my choice " well yes I know but I did need to get a few bits etc but stuff it I will have to let him go cause he will go any way and I don't want to fight over it ,

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 10/01/2013 09:03

If you don't want to be left alone with the baby (completely understandable) the perhaps you could all go with him. It will be a day out for all of you. You can chat to them all while they work or perhaps spend time with DP's nephew's wife.

If your DP finds that going to help others always becomes a whole family activity he might start to find it easier to stay at home Smile

Original poster
Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 09:08

That's a good idea goldmandra perhaps it will put him off ha ha

OP posts:
PessaryPam · 10/01/2013 09:12

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Your DH needs to sort his priorities out. Unless the Nephew helped decorate your house that is in which case there is a debt to be paid.

melika · 10/01/2013 09:21

YANBU I don't blame you for feeling this way at all. I have had similiar things happen in the past. I'm afraid you need to be assertive with him and tell him your home needs the attention and not so he can go on a jolly with his nephew. They will probably end up drinking in the pub to 'thank him'!

So tell him you would rather he helped you at home.

5madthings · 10/01/2013 09:24

Yanbu at all, you need a bit if support at the moment and i am a bit concerned when you say you dont like asking him for money? Do.you not have access to joint finances? Why would you have to ask him to leave you some cash?

pictish · 10/01/2013 09:26

Mmmm...don't flame me people, but I think you are being perhaps a little bit unreasonable OP.

You say he doesn't go out often at all, and is a fantastic partner and dad.

I understand that you don't want to be left alone, but it's one day, and as much as you deserve a break, so does he.
He probably sees this as a bit of a departure from the day to day - a wee social trip all wrapped up in doing something practical as well...and it IS his choice.

Just make sure that YOU get a break as well, that's all! So long as it's fair, there shouldn't be a problem.

I don't think you really need to make such a fuss about being left for a day.

diddl · 10/01/2013 09:29

Well if it´s a "wee social trip"-then OP can go as well if she wants?

pictish · 10/01/2013 09:30

Of course...has he said she can't?

And forgive me...but I can't help but feel that's getting into not-allowed-to-go-anywhere-on-his-own territory. A bit.

diddl · 10/01/2013 09:31

But for me it´s the idea that he can just go because OP will obviously be there to look after the children.

pictish · 10/01/2013 09:34

Yep. It's the same as when I go and spend the day with my friends, knowing my dh will stay at home with the kids. And?