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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DP to help them decorate ?

123 replies

Lonelybunny · 09/01/2013 21:22

We recently moved into a big house with 2 kids and a 6 week old baby. I suffered pnd because of the move . It was so stressful we has no help and did it all on our own . We have just after 5 months finished decorating and start enjoying the house. Now DP's ne

OP posts:

pictish · 10/01/2013 10:25

If it becomes a habit of his, then you might have a problem and you'd be quite right to rail against it.
It seems that this is something of a rarity though, so no harm done.

I think the way you feel about this is symptomatic of being lonely. I remember living in a new place where I didn't know soul when ds1 was a new baby, and suffering from PND which was actually quite debilitating in a sense. I had NO motivation to improve my feelings of solitude. I understand all that, I really do.

However, the fact that you haven't made any local friends yet is not his responsibility. He is not abliged to never go anywhere, and never pursue his own interests and social life because of it. It wouldn't be fair to expect it.

I think if you had someone to hang out with, you wouldn't care about this. I certainly do sympathise with you about that. xxx

pictish · 10/01/2013 10:26

obliged even....

diddl · 10/01/2013 10:27

It´s a difficult thing isn´t it?

My husband worked long hours so weekends was really the only time we could do anything together/as a family.

It was also the only time he or I could do anything alone.

NumericalMum · 10/01/2013 10:28

But Pictish surely the difference is that when her DH goes he assumes the OP would be there looking after the kids without checking? If OP just assumed she could go out on Saturday as well who would have the kids?

pictish · 10/01/2013 10:31

I'm sure they'd manage to compromise somehow.
Moot point.

Longdistance · 10/01/2013 10:37

I'm with you op.

Yanbu at all, especially if you have pnd.

They can bugger off, and your dp can start getting his priorities right. Surely his dn can decorate it himself, or get a friend in like others.

My dh used to do this sort of thing.

Put your foot down op.

olgaga · 10/01/2013 10:37

Lonely I do feel for you, your last post brought it all back. I remember yearning to go out but when they're that age everything was such a damn chore. I also had terrible PND and did my back in before leaving hospital after the birth. I would feel exhausted by the time I was ready to leave the house, and utterly dispirited and in agony by the time I got home.

Ho hum...it'll pass.

Have you tried the Mumsnet Local for your area? You might be able to link up with someone near you. I did eventually meet someone at a playgroup who drove and would come round with her DD who was the same age as mine. That was nice, just to have a bit of company, coffee and a moan together.

he says he can do what he wants

That's the real problem here. He can, yes - if he wants to be completely selfish and disregard your needs and feelings. Is he always that selfish? Or is he finding life difficult too, and running away from it (because unlike you, he can).

Goldmandra · 10/01/2013 10:59

OP you are in a partnership. That means that you share responsibility for the welfare of your children and each other.

If this were a one-off because your DP has been working hard and needs a break that would be fair enough and you should support him.

It isn't though is it? You are the one who has ceased to be a person in her own right and is expected to submit totally to the needs of the family, especially his wider family with whom you have no relationship.

You have said that he makes a habit of dumping you to dash to the aid of his family. He needs to understand the impact this is having on you and his children.

He's made plans for Saturday, and as he clearly cares very much about impressing his family, he won't want to let them down now so asking him to change them won't help. You could, however, tell him that you need him to be at home, either with you or to have the children while you go out, on Sunday.

Remind him what the word partner means.

Cluffyfunt · 10/01/2013 11:04

I completely agree with everything olgaga and Goldmandra said.

Original poster

Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 11:48

Love the name cluffyfunt made me laugh! Yes but I don't see going to help decorate as a break ? Going to visit then yes but decorating is hard work ? Unless that's how he wants to unwind ? I don't really want to go with him a . I don't relish doing the tube with my huge mammoth pram on a Saturday , and b the kids will get bored and c he may try and get me to drive no way ! I hate driving round London it's horrid

OP posts:

zlist · 10/01/2013 12:01

YANBU

I presume his nephew is perfectly fit and healthy and able to manage by himself, with a few tips? It isn't like he is popping across town for 1-2 hours to help out.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 10/01/2013 12:25

Next time he sayss "I'm off out for the day on Sunday, you can't stop me, it's my choice", you say "that's fine. I'm off out for the day on Sunday too, that's my choice. Who have you got lined up to look after the children?"

Pictish, the difference between the OP and her DP, is that he tells her he is going out and assumes she will be looking after his children for him. While she wonders if she will be able to go out, and thinks she will ask him to babysit his own children, but half-expects him to say no. His behaviour is only ok if it is ok for her to behave like that, too.

OP, I really think you should go this Sunday. Not because it will be fun, but to show him that he has to consider other people, and dads have responsibilities too, and what your world is like. You won't have to struggle with the pram, because he can do that, can't he? And the kids needn't get bored, because you can send them in the same room as their dad and give them brushes. The Great Decorator can pass on his skills . And then you can always go for a stroll with the baby. Just the baby. And ask him for some money before you pop out - he's not going to say No in front of his family, that would make him look selfish ...

Goldmandra · 10/01/2013 12:54

What Bertha said.

It isn't about going for a nice family day out. It's about getting your DP to understand that he has responsibilities.

Decorating in someone else's house is much less taxing than being at home looking after your own children. All he has to do there is rock up, show off his skills while being plied with food and drink, disappear to or relatives when he's had enough and watch a bit of tv then reappear at home when he feels like it. I can completely see the attraction. It's so much less taxing on the brain than a day at home helping out with three small children.

You need to decide if you want to solve the problem or let him go and just have a moan. Having a moan on MN and doing nothing is fine BTW but you'll be spending a lot more weekends on your own. I know it's hard to take positive action when you've got PND but sometimes something that looks like it will be really hard work turns out to be a positive experience which lifts your mood.

If he wants to go and decorate for the weekend, great. He can still be a dad while he's doing it.

TeaBrick · 10/01/2013 13:00

So the op and her partner are struggling financially, he is going out to help his family, for which he has to pay train fare, leaving her and their children at home on their own with no money? That is very very wrong

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 13:09

it's a 2 hour train journey there as back and I know he will be gone all day and probably every weekend

That's what make him U - all weekend , every weekend until it is done?!

In theory I agree with what you are saying pictish ( Happy NY btw :)) but imo he could go and help out for the Saturday and then Sunday could come back and they could have a family day together.

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 13:10

Plus he doesn't sound that much of a peach if he is not leaving her with money imo!

gymmummy64 · 10/01/2013 13:28

I'm confused - how can you be so broke you can't afford to go swimming/cinema yet have just finished decorating your 'massive' house and your OH can go off and help someone else decorate theirs?

It sounds to me as if your weekdays are so lonely and awful that you are just waiting for the weekends when your OH will be there to make things easier, hence the real hit if he's decided not to be. Without commenting on how selfish that makes him, surely one of the keys here is try to improve your weekdays? I appreciate depression makes everything very hard to do, but 5 awful days vs 2 ok days is not a route to being happier or coping better. What support could you get in the week? How old are your older two?

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 13:33

Maybe it's because they have just finished decorating their house that they are skint? Cinema is a fortune with a family these days especially outside London where they seem to do cheaper deals on certain days - thank God for Tesco vouchers

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 13:35

OP it is perfectly acceptable to go to a toddler group with a 6 week old baby and not lie them on a skanky blanket - I wouldn't! Sounds like you could do with getting out and meeting some new people.

Viviennemary · 10/01/2013 13:38

YANBU. This isn't advice it's doing the job. They should do it themselves or pay a painter and decorator. I'd be absolutely hitting the roof with fury!

5madthings · 10/01/2013 13:48

The baby must be 6mths now uf they moved when baby was 6wks and then spent five mths decorating as the op says?

And yes i assume money us tight because they have been doing up the house.

Op does your dh know how down/lonely you are feeling? If he does and he is ignoring that then that is pretty crap imo. Or maybe he doesnt realise? I know when i had pnp after ds4 dp knew i was struggling but it wasnt till.it got really bad and i laid it in the line that he understood.

If this will be a one off then plan something nice for you and kids to do.

Agree baby groups would be good and take your own blanket to lay baby on?

Also have you gor home start in your area? They may be able to help you, they were really good when ds4 was little.

Cluffyfunt · 10/01/2013 13:48

I used to take dd1 when she was about 4 weeks and I just bring a couple of little fleecy blankets to lay her on.

I did also bring a pack of detol wipes and nobody seemed to care that I scrubbed gave the toys a wipe over

Original poster

Lonelybunny · 10/01/2013 13:49

Well I have done in the past and I thought by struggling ourselves doing it all alone with 3 children and having no help would be an eye opener but obviously not ? However I have told him that I feel it was selfish of them not to help and y in gods name are you going to go help them when we have only just finishes ours! So he knows how I feel on the issue . However I am not going to push it and end up having a gigantic argument on it I've said my views to him he has told me he does what he wants (which he is allowed to do) just a bit miffed. So I have to get in with it but feel better for getting to vent on here :)

OP posts:

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