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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExFiance, I am unbelievably hurt.

32 replies

CanAnyoneHearMe · 27/12/2012 00:24

ExF, ended the relationship 4 weeks ago.

I am devastated and I want him back more than anything.

But...

I have text him a countless number of times asking when he wants to see DS.

I text him Saturday morning asking when he wanted to see DS over Christmas, I have heard nothing. Not one text, Phone call, Present or card.

I have had members of his family come round my house dropping presents off for my DS but I have heard nothing from him.

He is keeping the child benefit from us and is not paying any maintenance.

My DM is telling me to stop texting and let him ask to see DS as I am getting very stressed about the situation and I am also pregnant with his child that he told me to abort when we planned the baby 2 weeks before he left us.

AIBU to stop texting to try to sort things out?

I still love him, More than anything but I really am unbelievably hurt at the moment Hmm

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 27/12/2012 00:26

YANBU to stop texting him. The ball is now in his court. With regards to maintenance, contact the CSA. With regards to child benefit, contact the Child Benefit agency and put a claim in for it. They will cancel the payments while investigating and the fact he has no contact with his child at the moment will be plenty of proof that he isn't the parent with majority of care. x

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 27/12/2012 00:28

so sorry you are in this situation.

get the child benefit switched to you.

and yes - stop texting. he is a shit. im so sorry but your DM is right. You cannot "sort things out" single handed - he clearly doesnt want to engage now.

how far pg are you?
have you thought about what you want to do with regard the pregnancy?

Original poster
CanAnyoneHearMe · 27/12/2012 00:35

He hasn't had DS on his own since the split and has only wanted to see him for a total of 4-6 hours in 4 weeks.

Last week he saw DS for 10 minutes and I waited 40 minutes for him to turn up to see him, He wanted to wait for the rain to stop before he came Confused (We arranged to meet outside a cafe where i was sitting) He had a go at me for 'Allowing DS to sleep' and walked away.

I am 8 weeks pregnant (No scan yet) and I do want to continue the pregnancy as the baby was very much wanted by both of us and I will love him/her unconditionally.

I am completely heartbroken and really am struggling to cope with this.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 27/12/2012 00:38

What Chochobnob said. He shouldn't be getting the CB. Tell them and it will stop and then you can claim.

Stop texting. He is clearly a twat. Contact CSA. Just do what is best for you and child/children.

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 00:39

I have seen a few threads by you all saying roughly the same thing and its clear that you are really hurting, but you also aren't doing anything to help yourself with regards to money or your emotional wellbeing, you have been given a lot of advice over the past few weeks about what to do and you haven't done anything about it since you are still posting the same stuff.

I think you said that you felt really upset about the thought of being seperated from your son for any length of time to the point where you wouldn't allow access unless you are there. Have you spoken to a doctor about your anxiety? I know you are struggling wth money have you called the tax credits/child benefit/CSA?

I really understand what you are going through and its really shit but you need to take some control of your life, you have your son and this pregnancy to think about. Please read over all the previous advice you have been given and let it sink in, really you aren't going to hear anything different on this thread.

You can do this I promise you.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 00:41

Can I ask what his reasons for ending the relationship were?

You need to change the CB into your name and contact the CSA.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 00:43

Ahh I had no idea of your posting history but it sounds as though chrismissymoomoomee does and is therefore spot on.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 27/12/2012 00:44

I do want to continue the pregnancy as the baby was very much wanted by both of us Sorry, I know this is hard but I don't think the pregnancy was very much wanted by both of you. He left four weeks ago, you are 8 weeks pregnant. He doesn't want to see his older child with you. I think he is a total shit but please don't base very important life decisions on a lie. If you really want to keep this pregnancy and be a lone parent with (it sounds like) next to no support, either financial or emotional, good for you. That's wonderful. But don't base keeping the pregnancy on him being part of this decision or, in fact, the child's life.

Get the finances sorted out now. Deal with the emotional stuff when you can. Sorry this is happening Sad

Original poster
CanAnyoneHearMe · 27/12/2012 00:48

Worra, He told me he 'Doesn't love me anymore' and left, That was it.

I am scared to contact the CB and CSA as I don't want to annoy him, I am also scared that that would mean that legal would get involved and control my life with contact etc.

I am having counselling for anxiety, I have had it since before he ended it. I have no problem with dropping DS off at his house for an hour but I never hear from him, Ever.

I know I have posted before, I have heard that it will get easier but it really hasn't Hmm.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 27/12/2012 00:57

ok.no more angsty texts.he's not answering.you need to be pragmatic
cb,immediately get paid to you,you recipient not him
let GP ad hv know your circumstance.instruct a solicitor

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 01:01

OK if he doesn't love you then you have assume it wasn't an overnight thing and he didn't actually want the baby...though if that was the case he should have worn a condom.

Fuck 'annoying' him you have much bigger things to think about now like the baby you're carrying.

I hate to sound 'cold' but it's going to have to be all 'legal' shit from now on...there's no room for emotions that are clearly one way.

blackeyedsusan · 27/12/2012 01:01

4 weeks isn't time for it to get easier. get cb swapped to your account. go to the csa. so what if it annoys him you are annoyed that he is not paying for his child. tough tits... he has to pay. taking child benefit when he is not the resident parent is theft. theft from your child and theft from the tax payer... tough luck if it annoys him...
you need to get mad at him and use it to get what your child is entitled to.

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 01:02

Can you need to get money, fuck him being annoyed, your son needs clothes and food.

I don't think getting a regular contact order would be a bad thing tbh, it means you wouldn't have to keep calling him to find out when he is coming and for how long, he will show up, pick up your DS and drop him off again, but this isn't automatically done when you get the child benefit or tax credits, he would have to contact a solicitor (which he won't do if he has no money anyway) and then get it all sorted out.

Its still early days yet, and it will get easier, you need some time to get your head around the emotional side of it, but for now there is so much practical stuff you need to do, concentrate on this and you will feel stronger because you are taking control and not relying on him or pandering to what you think his moods might be.

Your son needs all your consideration and he needs you, your ex doesn't, he is a grown man making grown up choices so he needs to deal with the consequences of those, he is your ex, that means you don't have to worry about how he feels, what he thinks or does anymore. Get the money sorted out.

zippey · 27/12/2012 01:11

That child benefit isnt for you, or for your partner, it is for your baby. You should think about the needs of your child before the needs of you or your ex, and make a claim for your child's money. You can backdate only 6 weeks.

His family seem to be supportive of you, have you told them that he is witholding and probably spending your childs money?

I think you need to acknowledge this relationship is over. Your ex knows your phone number and where you live, and he will find you and your child if he wants to. What you need to do is get practical, because it wont be easy in your position, and that means sorting things out legally and financially. Have you got any family that can help or you can speak to?

I would also stop the texts and phone calls. The more you contact him, the more he will ignore. If you ignore him, he might engage contact. But to be honest, you seem pretty lucky in being rid of him. He's left you with a child and being newly pregnant. He is spending his childs money. I dont know who you are but I suspect you and your child deserve better.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas · 27/12/2012 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 27/12/2012 01:15

Stop wasting your time and mental energy on the man, who sounds worthless anyway. Take some proper advice on getting the child benefit paid to you, and on extracting some money from him towards the children's upkeep.

Not only is this man not coming back, but you should be dancing with joy to be rid of a selfish, useless parasite.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/12/2012 01:17

If you don't want to annoy him why text?

You are not responsible for him having contact he is.

Sort out the child benefit without it as far as most agencies are concerned your not your child's parent with care without it. He does not have to pay any maintainance at all for a child that he receives cb for. So sort it out.

MakeItALarge · 27/12/2012 01:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMushroom · 27/12/2012 01:24

He's not going to turn into a nice man. He's only going to get meaner....getting the money switched over to you won't ruin your "chances" of getting back with him as he's a bastard and won't suddenly come back to you....so sorry you are in such pain but really...he's not coming back and you need the cash for your DC.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/12/2012 01:27

Sweetie, you don't want to "annoy" him because you desperately want him back, no matter what the circumstances. You want to keep every possible door and window and avenue wide open to his coming back and you welcoming him with open arms.

But honey he ain't coming back, and the sooner you accept that, the better for you and your son and your unborn child.

Sort yourself out asap. Good luck. X

Dottiespots · 27/12/2012 01:27

Were there any signs leading up to him telling you that he didnt love you anymore? Have you been arguing alot? Has he told you that he is unhappy and why? Im so sorry that your going through this and it must seem the most awful thing to happen to you but what was going on in your lives before this happened.

MammaTJ · 27/12/2012 02:13

My reply C&Pd from a previous thread of yours.

Right, he is no cooperating, you need to get on with it yourself.

You need to ring Child benefit first. Other benefits hang on this one.

Tell them the child is living with you.

The reason he has little interest in seeing your son is because he has probably left you for soemone else and is busy with their life together.

Get angry, take control!!

blueballoon79 · 27/12/2012 08:56

I had to post bcause I was in an extremely similar situation only 3 years ago.
My Ex walked out on me when my DD was only 10 months old.

He just went off to work one day and never came back.

It was the hardest time I've ever had to go through.

Like you I didn't want to ask for child support as I didn't want to upset him as I was really hoping he'd change his mind and come back.

He went six weeks without paying a penny, leaving me struggling to support my DD and DS.

I also had terrible anxiety and would sometimes vomit due to anxiety.

I spent DD's first birthday sobbing because her Dad wasn't there.

It was an awful time and I can really sympathise with you.
I longed for him back and thought I would do anything just to have him back in my life again.

The only thing that helped me move on was when a close friend told me that trulyhe didn't want to be with me and he wouldn't be coming back and I had to make a life for myself and my children without him.

This is the truth for your situation from what I'm reading in your op. He's told you he doesn't love you anymore and he's not answering your texts. I'm sorry but he's telling you loud and clear that it's over and he's not coming back.

So now it's time to sort out the practical and financial stuff as everyone above has said.

It's time to get tough and show everyone you can and will be fine on your own and that you don't need him. You need to build a life for you and your child.

I also want you to know that three years on I'm really glad that my ex left me! He was a useless lump who was tied to his mothers apron strings and the majority of my time with him I felt like I was caring for three children, not two!

I have a very happy life now but it took over a year to heal and become the person I am now. There are no quick fixes for the incredible pain you're in now but I promise you that slowly the pain will diminish until one day you don't feel it anymore. I wish you all the best and hope you can be as strong as you can.

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga · 27/12/2012 09:04

Sorry to be a bit harsh but you only don't want to annoy him because you think there's a chance you'll get back together. Think about it. If this happened to a friend of yours what would you say to her? It would be to prioritise you and your son and get the CB and CSA involved. Get yourself to the angry stage as quickly as you can. Stop texting. It's up to him to apply for contact now. Keep a note that you asked him to contact so you could arrange for your dc to see him as you'll need this when he goes to court for access.

It's been 4 weeks of course it still hurts, it's going to for a long time but he's a twunt to your ds, do you really want somebody like that in your life more than you have to have them?

ItTakesTimeMoreThan4WeeksTiggaxx

TheSecondComing · 27/12/2012 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.