ExFiance, I am unbelievably hurt.

[CanAnyoneHearMe]

ExF, ended the relationship 4 weeks ago.

I am devastated and I want him back more than anything.

But...

I have text him a countless number of times asking when he wants to see DS.

I text him Saturday morning asking when he wanted to see DS over Christmas, I have heard nothing. Not one text, Phone call, Present or card.

I have had members of his family come round my house dropping presents off for my DS but I have heard nothing from him.

He is keeping the child benefit from us and is not paying any maintenance.

My DM is telling me to stop texting and let him ask to see DS as I am getting very stressed about the situation and I am also pregnant with his child that he told me to abort when we planned the baby 2 weeks before he left us.

AIBU to stop texting to try to sort things out?

I still love him, More than anything but I really am unbelievably hurt at the moment

[HollyBerryBush]

I don't even see why CB was paid to him - it was designed, back in the day, to allow mothers to have access to money to ensure children didn't go without.

[whethergirl]

jingleallthespringy is right, I was in the same situation as you 7 years ago, and when I was forced to go cold turkey, then one day I just saw it all for what it all was - and I wasted so much time and energy on him when I should have just focused on my pg. Honestly, I thought I loved ex dp and couldn't bear to be without him. I just cringe when I think about it now, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Please stop putting yourself in a vulnerable position, you will feel differently one day, when you wake up and realise what an unloveable prick he really is.

Don't forget that your hormones are probably also making you feel quite needy at the moment. I felt the same. If you find it hard to hate him for the way he is treating you, hate him for how he is treating your dc. How could he not make the effort with your ds? Not want to see him or provide for him? Does your ds deserve to be treated like this?

[Thumbwitch]

God above, you don't want to annoy him?? Why, because you think that somehow you've "done something wrong" and that's why he's fucked off and left you?
Balls.
He's told you why he's gone; he's probably got someone else on the go already and even if he hasn't, there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO to "make him love you" again (if he ever really did).

So fuck not annoying him - get your CB and finances sorted, and stop texting the wanker. I feel so so sad for your DS, and your unborn baby - what an uncaring knob their father is.

[jingleallthespringy]

You sound addicted to him (hence the terrible pain and craving). Cold turkey is the only way - he is not interested at all and is, anyway, a total shit by the sound of it. When you wake up from this nightmare you'll realise that. As long as you beg and plead he will give you a wide berth - he has made it very clear he isn't interested. Are you only haranguing him to see his child so you can see him too? It sounds like it. YOu are all better off without him, I hope you see that very soon. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

[Theicingontop]

Sorry to hear you're still hurting so badly.

You need to get in touch with CSA now, and force this man to be financially responsible for his children. It really needs to be now.

He is a coward. He is an uncaring dick.

I get that he might be wary of seeing you, knowing how much you want him back, but surely he could have arranged to see his child without seeing you. Didn't even go as far as to suggest it did he?

[FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake]

You need to sort out your finances. This should be your priority rather than exf.

[scaevola]

I agree with the posters who say that he is not going to respond to texts in which you beg and plead.

You do need to sort out the basic admin of life as a lone parent. You need the CB transferred to you asap (you need the NI credit as well as the money). You need to work out where you will live long-term, and how you will afford it.

He should, of course, be paying regular child maintenance. Have you even begun to discuss this?

You will still be in shock after only 4 weeks, but his actions show he has no interest in you and little attentiveness to either DC. I think you need a few more weeks to process your emotions and come to terms with the fact that he really has left. And you must work out what life is go into be like in your new single parent family.

He won't come back in response to needy pleading. He might be significantly wrong-footed and wonder if he's made a huge mistake if you are seen to be getting on with a better life, recover your balance and happiness; and act competently and firmly over establishing his responsibilities (financial/availability) to his DCs.

[WhenAChildIsBawnTigga]

Sorry to be a bit harsh but you only don't want to annoy him because you think there's a chance you'll get back together. Think about it. If this happened to a friend of yours what would you say to her? It would be to prioritise you and your son and get the CB and CSA involved. Get yourself to the angry stage as quickly as you can. Stop texting. It's up to him to apply for contact now. Keep a note that you asked him to contact so you could arrange for your dc to see him as you'll need this when he goes to court for access.

It's been 4 weeks of course it still hurts, it's going to for a long time but he's a twunt to your ds, do you really want somebody like that in your life more than you have to have them?

ItTakesTimeMoreThan4WeeksTiggaxx

[blueballoon79]

I had to post bcause I was in an extremely similar situation only 3 years ago.
My Ex walked out on me when my DD was only 10 months old.

He just went off to work one day and never came back.

It was the hardest time I've ever had to go through.

Like you I didn't want to ask for child support as I didn't want to upset him as I was really hoping he'd change his mind and come back.

He went six weeks without paying a penny, leaving me struggling to support my DD and DS.

I also had terrible anxiety and would sometimes vomit due to anxiety.

I spent DD's first birthday sobbing because her Dad wasn't there.

It was an awful time and I can really sympathise with you.
I longed for him back and thought I would do anything just to have him back in my life again.

The only thing that helped me move on was when a close friend told me that trulyhe didn't want to be with me and he wouldn't be coming back and I had to make a life for myself and my children without him.

This is the truth for your situation from what I'm reading in your op. He's told you he doesn't love you anymore and he's not answering your texts. I'm sorry but he's telling you loud and clear that it's over and he's not coming back.

So now it's time to sort out the practical and financial stuff as everyone above has said.

It's time to get tough and show everyone you can and will be fine on your own and that you don't need him. You need to build a life for you and your child.

I also want you to know that three years on I'm really glad that my ex left me! He was a useless lump who was tied to his mothers apron strings and the majority of my time with him I felt like I was caring for three children, not two!

I have a very happy life now but it took over a year to heal and become the person I am now. There are no quick fixes for the incredible pain you're in now but I promise you that slowly the pain will diminish until one day you don't feel it anymore. I wish you all the best and hope you can be as strong as you can.

[MammaTJ]

My reply C&Pd from a previous thread of yours.

Right, he is no cooperating, you need to get on with it yourself.

You need to ring Child benefit first. Other benefits hang on this one.

Tell them the child is living with you.

The reason he has little interest in seeing your son is because he has probably left you for soemone else and is busy with their life together.

Get angry, take control!!

[Dottiespots]

Were there any signs leading up to him telling you that he didnt love you anymore? Have you been arguing alot? Has he told you that he is unhappy and why? Im so sorry that your going through this and it must seem the most awful thing to happen to you but what was going on in your lives before this happened.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Sweetie, you don't want to "annoy" him because you desperately want him back, no matter what the circumstances. You want to keep every possible door and window and avenue wide open to his coming back and you welcoming him with open arms.

But honey he ain't coming back, and the sooner you accept that, the better for you and your son and your unborn child.

Sort yourself out asap. Good luck. X

[MrsMushroom]

He's not going to turn into a nice man. He's only going to get meaner....getting the money switched over to you won't ruin your "chances" of getting back with him as he's a bastard and won't suddenly come back to you....so sorry you are in such pain but really...he's not coming back and you need the cash for your DC.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

If you don't want to annoy him why text?

You are not responsible for him having contact he is.

Sort out the child benefit without it as far as most agencies are concerned your not your child's parent with care without it. He does not have to pay any maintainance at all for a child that he receives cb for. So sort it out.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Stop wasting your time and mental energy on the man, who sounds worthless anyway. Take some proper advice on getting the child benefit paid to you, and on extracting some money from him towards the children's upkeep.

Not only is this man not coming back, but you should be dancing with joy to be rid of a selfish, useless parasite.

[zippey]

That child benefit isnt for you, or for your partner, it is for your baby. You should think about the needs of your child before the needs of you or your ex, and make a claim for your child's money. You can backdate only 6 weeks.

His family seem to be supportive of you, have you told them that he is witholding and probably spending your childs money?

I think you need to acknowledge this relationship is over. Your ex knows your phone number and where you live, and he will find you and your child if he wants to. What you need to do is get practical, because it wont be easy in your position, and that means sorting things out legally and financially. Have you got any family that can help or you can speak to?

I would also stop the texts and phone calls. The more you contact him, the more he will ignore. If you ignore him, he might engage contact. But to be honest, you seem pretty lucky in being rid of him. He's left you with a child and being newly pregnant. He is spending his childs money. I dont know who you are but I suspect you and your child deserve better.

[chrismissymoomoomee]

Can you need to get money, fuck him being annoyed, your son needs clothes and food.

I don't think getting a regular contact order would be a bad thing tbh, it means you wouldn't have to keep calling him to find out when he is coming and for how long, he will show up, pick up your DS and drop him off again, but this isn't automatically done when you get the child benefit or tax credits, he would have to contact a solicitor (which he won't do if he has no money anyway) and then get it all sorted out.

Its still early days yet, and it will get easier, you need some time to get your head around the emotional side of it, but for now there is so much practical stuff you need to do, concentrate on this and you will feel stronger because you are taking control and not relying on him or pandering to what you think his moods might be.

Your son needs all your consideration and he needs you, your ex doesn't, he is a grown man making grown up choices so he needs to deal with the consequences of those, he is your ex, that means you don't have to worry about how he feels, what he thinks or does anymore. Get the money sorted out.

[blackeyedsusan]

4 weeks isn't time for it to get easier. get cb swapped to your account. go to the csa. so what if it annoys him you are annoyed that he is not paying for his child. tough tits... he has to pay. taking child benefit when he is not the resident parent is theft. theft from your child and theft from the tax payer... tough luck if it annoys him...
you need to get mad at him and use it to get what your child is entitled to.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

OK if he doesn't love you then you have assume it wasn't an overnight thing and he didn't actually want the baby...though if that was the case he should have worn a condom.

Fuck 'annoying' him you have much bigger things to think about now like the baby you're carrying.

I hate to sound 'cold' but it's going to have to be all 'legal' shit from now on...there's no room for emotions that are clearly one way.

[scottishmummy]

ok.no more angsty texts.he's not answering.you need to be pragmatic
cb,immediately get paid to you,you recipient not him
let GP ad hv know your circumstance.instruct a solicitor

[CanAnyoneHearMe]

Worra, He told me he 'Doesn't love me anymore' and left, That was it.

I am scared to contact the CB and CSA as I don't want to annoy him, I am also scared that that would mean that legal would get involved and control my life with contact etc.

I am having counselling for anxiety, I have had it since before he ended it. I have no problem with dropping DS off at his house for an hour but I never hear from him, Ever.

I know I have posted before, I have heard that it will get easier but it really hasn't .

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

I do want to continue the pregnancy as the baby was very much wanted by both of us Sorry, I know this is hard but I don't think the pregnancy was very much wanted by both of you. He left four weeks ago, you are 8 weeks pregnant. He doesn't want to see his older child with you. I think he is a total shit but please don't base very important life decisions on a lie. If you really want to keep this pregnancy and be a lone parent with (it sounds like) next to no support, either financial or emotional, good for you. That's wonderful. But don't base keeping the pregnancy on him being part of this decision or, in fact, the child's life.

Get the finances sorted out now. Deal with the emotional stuff when you can. Sorry this is happening