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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to start another thread about DP who isnt DP?

69 replies

FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 19:11

Yes its me, again.
But bear with me, this is different.
Back story for. those who don't know, only been with DP a few months, even tho known him 13 years.

On friday my exFIL died. My DS's grandad.
The only other family my ex has is his DB who lives 200 miles away. His best friend and actually his only friend is away in Australia for a few months so that kind of just leaves me.
I've helped him buy a suit for the funeral, he's been for his tea twice and I'm expected to ride by his side with our DS in the black cars, and was expected to attend the funeral with or without DS.
And I've invited him on Xmas day, as he usually spends that with his dad.
My DP is finding it all a bit too much, and doesn't understand why I'm giving him the time of day when on other occasions we are rowing over contact etc. He keeps saying he's not family, we are divorced and that's that. DP won't be with me on Xmas day as he goes to his own family.
AIBU or is DP?

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 19:13

Hmmmmm. I sort of see your DP's point.

SantasENormaSnob · 17/12/2012 19:16

So how would you feel if this was your dp with his ex wife?

Some people are fine with stuff like this.

It's not something I would tolerate in a partner.

DoubleMum · 17/12/2012 19:16

I see your DP's point too.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2012 19:19

I think it would be nice fr your son to have his dad about at Christmas given the circumstances.

But yabu to start yet another thread about the dp whose not a dp because well it will probably follow the same direction as the others

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 19:20

Hi Flo.

You kicked off over his ex girlfriend being in a pub and him being stand offish. So I am sure you can see this.

What has your relationship with ex been like up til now? Is it just access you disagree over? Is it mild disagreements?

EdithWeston · 17/12/2012 19:20

I see your DP's point, and think it is the combination of the two events that is a bit much.

I think it is right you go to the funeral both to support your DS, and because you had your own relationship with xFIL. I would avoid sitting in a principal mourners' car, though and think it would have been better if you hadn't been doing things for your XH in e run up (though you can't do anything about that now).

I think you might also like to look at minimising contact with XH on Christmas Day. Obviously you have to make sure the logistics run smoothly for your DS, but that doesn't mean spending the day pretending to play happy families.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 19:27

I'm quite surprised by your responses. I thought DP was BU Blush the poor guy has just lost his dad who he was very close to. How is me showing a bit of compassion equating to, oh I don't know, getting back with him or something.
If it was DP I'd probably respect and love DP just that little bit more for being a caring person.
Brady things were bad when we first split but that was 5 yrs ago and we have a good set up now. He collects DS on time, and apart from the odd nags about whether he's kept him up too late or gave him too much sugar, all is well. I say hello, we chat on phone about DS otherwise I don't have much to do with him.

OP posts:
DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 17/12/2012 19:28

It is a really kind thing for you to do. I know we shouldn't do stuff in hope or expectation that the recipient will reciprocate, but if DS ultimately reaps what you sow, surely that's good for him? If in future your ex is reasonable regarding contact, etc?
I hope DP can see it from that point of view.

Of course if ex DH was somehow taking advantage of a sad situation to manipulate you or irritate your now DP, that would be different again.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 19:29

"My DP is finding it all a bit too much, and doesn't understand why I'm giving him the time of day when on other occasions we are rowing over contact etc"

changes to..

"things were bad when we first split but that was 5 yrs ago and we have a good set up now"

just like OPs threads always do when told she is BU...

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/12/2012 19:32

I'm still friends with my ex, and as we have a child together I consider him to be a part of my family, even though I'm very happily married. I don't think YABU at all, and when my ex FiL died, I went to the funeral with my ex and without the dc.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 19:32

If it was DP I'd probably respect and love DP just that little bit more for being a caring person.

I don't want to be mean Flo, but pull the other one. You have admitted before you are paranoid and have low self esteem and was seething when his ex was stood near him a week or so ago.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 17/12/2012 19:35

Funeral is fine and appropriate. Your exfil was you FIL and the GP of your son

Christmas day is not really appropriate tbh. I think your DP is not BU to find that a bit much

I'm sure you are just a compassionate person but that's too much

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 17/12/2012 19:36

I am very confused! So...your current DP is your ExDH?

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 19:40

Cheers squeakytoy twist everything I say.
We do have a good set up now, that's not to say we always agree on stuff.
This isnt really about our contact arrangements and more about XH who I was with since 16 and DP who I've been with a few months. Surely at the end of the day my loyalties lie with DS dad? Tho I would tell DP that exactly!

OP posts:
CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 17/12/2012 19:41

I think you have been very nice and generous.
I can see why your DP would be a bit Hmm about it, but he's has known you a long time and should know that you are that kind and compassionate.
My father died and my mother was left to do everything even though she divorced him 30 years earlier and they couldn't even be in the same room together. My sis and I (his only living family) were both abroad.
Really if it feel like the right thing to do then do it, even if your new partner doesn't agree, you are all adults and your Ex really could do with a little compassion right now.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 17/12/2012 19:54

But squeakytoy didn't twist what you said, but mentioned 2 conflicting statements you made Confused

Funeral -YANBU. Christmas Day though, I can see you DPs point. Turn the table, how would you feel if your current DP went to his exes for Xmas. Would you mind? If a completely honest 'no' then you may have a point. If not then see it from your DPs POV.

TheLightPassenger · 17/12/2012 20:09

I can see your DP's point but being compassionate to your ex is surely a good thing when you are co-parenting? Agree with Freddos.

Nixea · 17/12/2012 20:13

I wonder if your DP thinks you're being a bit hypocritical over this, seeing as you were very angry with him over his ex. I can see his point of view to be honest, and I do think Christmas Day is going too far.

SantasENormaSnob · 17/12/2012 20:14

You loyalties lie with your ds dad? Your ex?

So would you be ok to hear that from your dp?

I think yabvu

SantasBigBaubles · 17/12/2012 20:18

I couldn't leave a stranger alone on xmas after his father died. So think dp is being a bit shit really to expect you to. Especially is he won't be around anyway

TheSecondComing · 17/12/2012 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 17/12/2012 20:22

Have you already invited your ex? If you have I can't see what else you can do but keep to the arrangements because it would be rude to uninvite him

EdithWeston · 17/12/2012 20:27

Your actions towards XP are not truly compassionate. They may be motivated by pity, given his bereavement. But the primary relationship between you is over, and it is in his best interests to find emotional support in new relationships not in being dragged back to an ended one.

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 20:28

I don't know why you keep calling this man your 'DP'...it's very misleading to the posters who don't know that he's just a guy you're seeing on and off.

That can often 'shape' replies IYSWIM.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:29

I have vaguely already invited him but doubt he'd come without lots more reassurance that its fine.
Yes i was the one in the pub with DP ex but that was hardly the same thing. She was just someone he saw for a yr and my problem was less to do with his ex and more to do with his behaviour of pushing me.
I just dont like the idea of anyone being alone at Xmas, especially someones first Xmas alone grieving. Also as an extra thought, he's DS dad and I'm a little worried he might not cope and become depressed, that won't help DS.

OP posts: