to start another thread about DP who isnt DP?

[FlojoHoHoHo]

Yes its me, again.
But bear with me, this is different.
Back story for. those who don't know, only been with DP a few months, even tho known him 13 years.

On friday my exFIL died. My DS's grandad.
The only other family my ex has is his DB who lives 200 miles away. His best friend and actually his only friend is away in Australia for a few months so that kind of just leaves me.
I've helped him buy a suit for the funeral, he's been for his tea twice and I'm expected to ride by his side with our DS in the black cars, and was expected to attend the funeral with or without DS.
And I've invited him on Xmas day, as he usually spends that with his dad.
My DP is finding it all a bit too much, and doesn't understand why I'm giving him the time of day when on other occasions we are rowing over contact etc. He keeps saying he's not family, we are divorced and that's that. DP won't be with me on Xmas day as he goes to his own family.
AIBU or is DP?

brady I have been on my own for yrs, I don't like it.
I quite like it when DP is slightly jealous, I'm not much of a feminist when it comes to these things, I catch him keeping a careful eye on me when I chat to his mates and it feels quite nice, but not if he starts telling me what to do.

Oops sorry.

I think the inviting him/not inviting him for xmas is slightly misleading as you have actually seriously considered inviting him

Sorry probably a bad choice of words 'having a go' but I guess the drip feeding makes it seems as if you are disputing everyones opinions. I didn't mean it to sound unkind.

I have read the thread but I do think there will be further issues in the future either because you are not over your X or because your new kind of DP is not the right person for you to have around.

SOunds to me like you need to give up on the 'DP'. He's not your partner, he's someone you've dated a few times, who you seem to squabble with a lot. Just bin him, support your XP through his bereavement, and put all thoughts of Having A Relationship out of your mind for the moment.

Sorry now I sound like a teenager! DP seems to have this effect on me and I love it!

You like it when he is jealous? Flipping heck, what a great relationship.

If you've already invited your ex for Christmas you can't just not mention it again, that's appalling!

And DP is entirely the wrong term for someone you're in a new and fairly casual relationship with.

I wouldn't consider appropriate for any boyfriend of mine to dictate how I interacted with my child's father. At this stage, you're just getting to know each other and you should act naturally. If he finds the level of contact unacceptable, then it's his call to end the relationship.

If he were your husband, or your partner of many years, then a discussion would probably be in order, about your expectations and what you are both comfortable with.

Why do you need to dress him up as being a partner, when he's a guy you're dating/shagging or a boyfriend, at most? A partner implies a level of seriousness and commitment that you both are yet to reach. It's hard to give advice or respond to the situation when the facts are distorted.

Who is expecting you to go in the funeral car? The "with or without DS" has totally confused me. Are you saying that someone in EXDH's family considers you to still have that type of role in his life?

Please tell me its not your ExDH who is expecting that, because if it is then you really don't have a clue about boundaries with exes.

By that I mean that you think its not on for "D"P to not want to have public displays of affection when an ex is present but you can be the crucial emotional support for someone you divorced 5 yrs ago and admit to still rowing with. Have I got that right? You really confuse me.

MrsM I assure you I am over my ex, a long time before we even split though I do feel like he's more of a brotherly/best friendly type relationship (that is when we aren't arguing about random DC stuff)
Solid we haven't squabbled over this but I can't sense his unease and he has voiced 'why are you bothering? He's your ex for a reason' etc.
Things have been better recently and I'm optimistic about Xmas and the new yr but I don't want to push him too far and lose him but at same time want to be true to myself which is, whether it was XH or random, if I saw someone suffering like he is I'd want to help.

Spend the time on your own, sorting your issues out. You like him being jealous?

As much as you make out you would be ok with it, you should read your other threads back

Good luck Flo, you will be back next week, probably when the family has the party.

Have a good Christmas. I hope you sort this car crash relationship putting

Sorry I should type out boyfriend, I just don't like the term, it seems strange for a 50 yr old man! and BF on MN to me is breast feed or best friend.

Forgot to mention: you seem to thrive on the squabbling, the drama, the faux romance of your loyalties being torn between two men... Why the fuck can't you see that your loyalty is to yourself and your child? Your attitude is mystifying - it's immature and potentially damaging, since this is what you're modelling for your son. Nice.

I wouldn't consider appropriate for any boyfriend of mine to dictate how I interacted with my child's father.

Yes but she felt it appropriate to tell him how he should interact with his son and had a giddy fit because he hadn't introduced them. She apologised but may be he thinksbit is ok.

I don't know the OP from previous posts but I do get a sense of the Drama Llama

stif I've no idea, when his mum died after a long illness 4 yrs ago. I attended the funeral, without DS, got myself there and back and didn't attend wake or anything.
This time I asked XH what time I need to be there and he told me the cars are picking us up at....and taking us to the wake after. Maybe it is cos DS is there or maybe its cos there is only XH, his DB and me, so plenty of room in car going begging.

fenix that seems slightly unfair when all I wanted to know is if I am BU to invite XH for xmas day to spend with his DS when his dad died only days ago.
I'd quite happily not be involved, I'd much rather FIL was still alive and life was less changeable. But shit happens and I'm struggling to help XH without feeling like I'm crossing a boundary and wanted advice.

I think your doing the right thing by your ds and your ex. But I can also see your dp's point. Tricky, but on the whole I think your doing the right thing.

I have been on my own for yrs, I don't like it.

I'm sorry but this sounds to me like you're only with him because you don't like being single, so you'll put up with any shit he gives you.

I don't know all the ins and outs of everything, but my friend's mum always had his dad round for Xmas dinner, even when she remarried, and right up until he passed away.

They were divorced for years, but they had a child together and everyone involved managed to be exceptionally grown up about the whole thing. It is possible to do, I don't think it's really terribly confusing for a child, as long as you make it clear it's just for Xmas/birthdays.