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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to start another thread about DP who isnt DP?

69 replies

FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 19:11

Yes its me, again.
But bear with me, this is different.
Back story for. those who don't know, only been with DP a few months, even tho known him 13 years.

On friday my exFIL died. My DS's grandad.
The only other family my ex has is his DB who lives 200 miles away. His best friend and actually his only friend is away in Australia for a few months so that kind of just leaves me.
I've helped him buy a suit for the funeral, he's been for his tea twice and I'm expected to ride by his side with our DS in the black cars, and was expected to attend the funeral with or without DS.
And I've invited him on Xmas day, as he usually spends that with his dad.
My DP is finding it all a bit too much, and doesn't understand why I'm giving him the time of day when on other occasions we are rowing over contact etc. He keeps saying he's not family, we are divorced and that's that. DP won't be with me on Xmas day as he goes to his own family.
AIBU or is DP?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 17/12/2012 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:32

Edith we've been split up for 5 yrs, he's had plenty of time to find someone new. I've had a DD with someone else in that time.
Worra my post was pretty clear that I'd only been dating DP for a few months, so not sure how it was misleading.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:33

Ah TheSecond I never considered it like that. I just assumed DS would be happy to spend Xmas day with us both and wouldn't give it a second thought.

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 17/12/2012 20:34

YANBU. As long as you have really been split up for 5years with no on/off thing. Could you tell DP it is in the interests of your DS? Your DS would surely like to see you both on christmas day. And i dare say it would cheer up exdh which would also be nice on DS not to have upset dad?

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 20:35

Well then he's not your partner is he?

And no, I don't think it's always clear to some people who answer you.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 20:39

my problem was less to do with his ex and more to do with his behaviour of pushing me.

You seemed to be bothered that he 'pushed' you away because she was there. You were bothered by the situation you perceived. Which is what you dps issue is.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:39

Tiny def off/off!
Worra my post title says that doesn't it?! Tho we have been much closer since our heart to heart following the ex in the pub scenario, which is why I also don't want to rock the boat there. But my loyalties lie totally with DS and part of that is his dad, and yes maybe I'm taking

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:41

Maybe I'm taking on too much, trying to keep XH sane whilst juggling a new relationship.
I just don't like the thought of anyone alone at Xmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:44

brady surely DP of a few months drunk in a pub, pushing me away and his ex being there isn't comparable to XH who I have known all my adult life losing his dad (who was like a BF also) and being alone at Xmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 20:46

Perhaps I could find some middle ground and invite over for an hour in the morning? Bit then won't he go home and still feel lonely all afternoon?

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 17/12/2012 20:50

And that's your problem because...?

DontmindifIdo · 17/12/2012 20:50

OP - this relationship with your DP is a nightmare, you seem to bring out the worst in each other.

Your EXH - he is grieving, will be on his own on Christmas day and it's a nice thing for your DS to see his dad. If it's really not about your DP, who you have only been dating for a short while and doesn't seem to be that in to you (didn't he say something about only being with you because his ex doesn't want him?), so why worry about what he wants. Do what's best for your DS. That means a happy father, then if you can be civil for a day, do it.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 20:55

brady surely DP of a few months drunk in a pub, pushing me away and his ex being there isn't comparable to XH who I have known all my adult life losing his dad (who was like a BF also) and being alone at Xmas.

Why? You said yourself he found his ex difficult to get over, if he even has. you were jealous. Its not a case of its ok because you were with him longer.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 21:04

I didn't find XH difficult to get over, I never regretted splitting up with him.
I just don't like seeing him this upset and want to help in some small way.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 21:07

But I think the majority is I shouldn't push the Xmas thing. So I'll go to the funeral and support him on Thursday but then that's it. I'll not invite him for his tea again (I just wanted to make sure he was still eating and looking after himself) and I'll not mention Xmas again.

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 21:58

As usual Flo you are purposely missing the point.

You are jealous, he is jealous. You make out that you are not.

Fakebook · 17/12/2012 22:01

Is this the dp you were going to buy shoes for? Who doesn't let you meet his son?

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 22:04

Ah brady now I see. Isn't a little bit of jealousy good? Doesn't it mean he cares? So long as it doesn't spill in to controlling obviously. I wasnt jealous so much as annoyed with his weird behaviour!

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 22:06

Bought the shoes fakebook still haven't met his son but met the rest of his family and invited for Xmas eve party. Things have improved since we had a chat after that wkend.

OP posts:
wewereherefirst · 17/12/2012 22:13

So you'd be completely happy with your 'D'P having Christmas with the mother of his child? Really. Hmm

MrsMelons · 17/12/2012 22:19

YABU, you are divorced for a reason. I think contact should be for your DS but nothing else. He should rely on his family and friends for support. He must have more than 1 friend surely. Why would your loyaties lie with your XH?

I would feel awful about it if I was your DP TBH. If, like Worra says, you are not actually in a proper relationship with him then its irrelevant and you can do as you please.

I think YAalsoBU for coming on AIBU and having a go when people say you are BU. The point is you are coming on here to ask peoples opinions.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 22:19

Happy? no, I'd be sad for her going through a terrible time. Jealous of her? No, if DPs act of kindness helped her get through a terrible time then she's welcome to it. If I thought for one minute they were alone together, drunk and he still had feeling for her, then I'd be concerned.

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 22:19

I see. Isn't a little bit of jealousy good? Doesn't it mean he cares

I will repeat my advice from your last thread. You need to be on your own and work on you, because you don't seem to understand what is good in a relationship and what is healthy.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 22:22

MrsMelons I didn't realise I was 'having a go' I thought I was just putting my opinion across, albeit slightly drip feedy but that's in response to others replies so that you's can make an informed choice on whether IABU or not.
Also did you miss the bit where I said majority vote is to not spend Xmas with him so I won't?

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 17/12/2012 22:24

I think the inviting him for xmas is slightly irrel