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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

domestic finances, what's fair

57 replies

dazedandinfused · 09/10/2012 15:27

Since going back to part time after maternity leave my net salary is less than half DH's. We both have savings. He has about 50% more than me. I'm using my savings to subsidise working part time while ds is a toddler.

Dh of the opinion that I should pay 50% of everything. He thinks I'm being grasping and manipulative is I suggest we split a bill in a ratio that reflects our income levels.

I think he thinks that because I could use savings to pay 50% of all bills then I should.

We don't split housework or childcare 50:50.

Aibu to feel pissed off about this?

OP posts:
hairytale · 09/10/2012 15:30

Yanbu!!!

brightermornings · 09/10/2012 15:31

Send him a bill for his 50% of childcare and a bill for housekeeping.

iliketea · 09/10/2012 15:32

No YANBU - and if he feels that strongly, suggest to him that he goes part time while you go back full-time and see how he feels about using his savings / paying 50% of everything.

Or he could pay you 50% of what the extra childcare costs would be if you were working full time, since essentially you are subsidising him to.work.full.time by caring for your dc on the days you are at home.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/10/2012 15:33

YANBU.

It should be 50/50 OP.

orangefan · 09/10/2012 15:33

YANBU
If your salary is half his then it would make sense (well to me anyway) that you pay a third of outgoings and he pays two thirds. Presumably he's happy for you to look after his child whilst he's at work.
Discuss again. Or just reduce your contribution if he's not willing to discuss it and just tell him this is how it's going to be.
Alternative is you go full time and pay half but then he also needs to pay half of all childcare.

flower2009 · 09/10/2012 15:33

I would suggest that if he wants to split bills 50/50 then it is also fair to split childcare and houswork 50/50.

You are helping him to work full time by providing all the childcare and cleaning. That is not fair.

I work part time and provide all childcare and cleaning, but we just have one joint bank account so it doesnt matter who earns what we just do it as a team, and each have £50 a month 'spending money' out of the joint account after bills are paid to treat ourselves (mine goes on clothes and his goes on computer games!!)

MLWfirsttimemum · 09/10/2012 15:34

Yanbu! You should split everything, including childcare, in proportion to what you earn. If he is not paying his fair share, what - he can just top up his savings and you can deplete yours? In fact, I'd be quite concerned if my DH suggested anything like this to me.

PS You should probably charge him extra for not doing his share of the work :-)

sooperdooper · 09/10/2012 15:34

Ofcourse he's being ridiculous, why should you use your savings

HazleNutt · 09/10/2012 15:36

YANBU. In our case, we are a family, all income is ours and is spent as necessary. I think that's fair (and I earn a lot more than DH).

If he thinks you should pay 50% of everything then of course he has to do 50% of childcare and hosuework. But still this system reminds me more of a business arrangement than a marriage.

Fishwife1949 · 09/10/2012 15:36

How much houseowrk are you doing op

Of your doing the lions share then your oh is being a dick if your doing 50% then do more or pay more

Paiviaso · 09/10/2012 15:37

I think financial arrangements like this are depressing. Are you not a family? Should you not pool all family income, then use it to pay bills, and use the extra for fun stuff for everybody in the family?

ClippedPhoenix · 09/10/2012 15:37

He's the unfair grasping unappreciative arse in this OP Angry

This sort of attitude makes my teeth itch.

MrsKeithRichards · 09/10/2012 15:38

It all sounds so calculated and business like for me. I always think that with these threads. I work part time, he works full. Everything goes into and out of one account and what's left is ours equally. I spend more than him but that takes into account picking up things for the boys, paying for karate etc. Suits us.

flossy101 · 09/10/2012 15:38

YANBU!

You are married! My DH earns more than me but we put all our money into one pot.

I'm always baffled by couples who make this a big issue, surely if you live together and have kids together it doesn't matter who earns what.

ByTheWay1 · 09/10/2012 15:39

ermmmm you are married? a family? a team?

At ours, the money all goes in one account and all bills go out..... effort gets pooled too - we each do whatever needs doing when it needs doing when we have time to do it.... that is what being a family means to us...

"grasping and manipulative" does not bode well......

TigerFeet · 09/10/2012 15:43

DH earns well over double what I earn. Both our salaries go into the same account. We are each paid a small, equal amount of pocket money into our personal accounts to cover our personal expenses - clothes for ourselves, work lunches, magazines, days/nights out on our own and so forth. EVERYTHING for the family - mortgage, bills, groceries, petrol, childcare, days out together - comes out of the joint account. It's really working well, although I suspect that it's because dh doesn't begrudge the fact I work part time and we both see all money that comes in as family money, but the small amount of personal cash we pay ourselves means neither of us feels guilty if we buy something for ourselves.

ChaoticismyLife · 09/10/2012 15:45

YANBU

I'm concerned about his attitude, it doesn't sound good.

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 09/10/2012 15:46

He's being ridiculous OP I work part time and DP pays all the bills my wages are for most of the food shopping, my petrol, clothes & toys etc for DS and I put some away every month for Christmas and holidays. I would do as suggested above and invoice him for child care, cleaning, cooking.

Bananapickle · 09/10/2012 15:47

I am always surprised when family finances work like this and I do find it a little sad but if it is the way you as a couple work then fine, but it does need to be fair. YANBU.

furrygoldone · 09/10/2012 15:49

That doesn't sound particularly fair, but I do wonder whether you reached a joint decision about you going part time and reducing the family income or if you just decided it was what you wanted to do. There does seem to be a universal expectation that women have the right to reduce their workload or stay at home full time regardless of what the men in their life think about it.

OneMoreChap · 09/10/2012 15:51

Un-effing-believable.

Sorry, yes, you should make a contribution to the house.

he should also pay a huge whack to the care for his children, and also - at very least - do a pro-rata share of the housework & sodding childcare.

He's an arse.

Does that help Grin?

M25Meltdown · 09/10/2012 15:52

You see, I just don't get this.

DH earns it, I spend it. QED. Grin

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2012 15:54

I assume that if you go back full-time your DC will have to go to full-time nursery or whatever.
Who'd pay for that?

I don't understand these set-ups, but then I'm old.

Shared lives, shared money, imo.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 09/10/2012 15:55

You're a family. You shouldn't have 'your money' and 'his money' at all. If you made a decision to create a life between you then why would either of you ringfence your finances?

mumto2andnomore · 09/10/2012 15:56

I don't get it either our money just goes into 1 account and we use it to pay for everything. Is that an option ?

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