domestic finances, what's fair

[dazedandinfused]

Since going back to part time after maternity leave my net salary is less than half DH's. We both have savings. He has about 50% more than me. I'm using my savings to subsidise working part time while ds is a toddler.

Dh of the opinion that I should pay 50% of everything. He thinks I'm being grasping and manipulative is I suggest we split a bill in a ratio that reflects our income levels.

I think he thinks that because I could use savings to pay 50% of all bills then I should.

We don't split housework or childcare 50:50.

Aibu to feel pissed off about this?

I can't believe you are using your savings, what kind of partnership is that?

your Dh sounds a tosser

Did you both agree that you should go back to work part time only, or was this something you decided unilaterally? I only ask, because I can't think of any other reasonable explanation why he should ask you to use your savings to subsidise part time working?

It should be pro-rata imo.

He is being a twat. Sorry but he is. If my dh suggested this he would be out the door on the end of my foot before he finished the sentence.

Amateurish tbh, even if OP did make that decision, surely that is only the same as providing childcare for the hours she's not working?

Joint accounts for all moneys in, and equal spends out seems fairish?

I am always quite shocked when people have their own savings as well. I suppose if it is money you have inherited then that might be different, but to me if you are married then you share everything.

What the others said. And to add ammo I earn double what my husband does. All money goes into joint acc for family stuff, then we both get our own amount for personal use. Which in effect means he gets more that he earns. We're a partnership. I wouldn't want to have more and watch him struggle. It was me that pushed for it to be set up that way.

All your money goes into a pot.
All family expenses including anything for your DC is paid from it.
Anything left over is split 50-50 between you and you can spend or save it as you want.

I can't imagine any other reasonable option - remind your DH that you are a family, not flatmates.

OneMoreChap - agreed. I was just trying to think of reasons why this guy might be just misguided, rather than a tosser.

What samsmalaidh said

I just do not understand why monies are not pooled in a marriage... you are a household.. pool your monies... there is no HIS or HERS, it's OURS.

He is being unfair. The silly set up is enabling his unfairness. Consider having a joint bank account.

I don't take the view that completely shared finances works for everyone (although it does for my family) so I wouldn't argue that separate finances for a married couple is necessarily unfair. However, if finances are kept separate, then bills and costs should be split proportionately, and allowance should be made for part time working / childcare. Which isn't the case here so I definitely think YANBU.

I'm in the "shocked at this approach to finances" camp.

You are a family. There should be one pool of money - the families money. And I say that as the main / often sole breadwinner.

Invoice the fecker for the childcare and housework you do. I pay my cleaner £11 per hour if you need a starting point.

I would hate to go out for dinner with you DH. I bet he counts how many grains of rice he had to work out his share.

I'm stunned at the amount of people who think separate finances is a bad thing, but then they must be in very stable marriages (or not had bad experiences with joint finances). I've been financially reliant in the past, and it went horribly wrong.

DP and I have a joint account, we each pay half of bills etc into that account. Then I pay for food shopping, he takes care of the gas (pre-pay meter). We split car insurance/tax/ petrol pretty much down the middle. Anything left belongs to us separately, and that's the way I like it. It's good to have MY money, not OUR money .

Of course, we could manage if he paid for more, but then I'd have to do more of the housework. Sorry, but pulling out his dirty socks from down the side of the bed is something I'll happily pay to avoid!

You can have joint finances, and have your own money. I have my own money, in my own account - 50% of what is left after bills are paid. It means me and DH both have the same amount to spend/save regardless of who does more paid work or who does more unpaid work. As I am a SAHM at the moment it is important to me that I am not reliant on him to pay for things I need.

YANBU but i don't think that joint finances is the only way to go.

We have in theory a joint account that covers all joint bills etc- other things are separate. When we both worked full time we put in proportionally. Now DP is not working much so I fund it. He gets to keep any money he does earn - i get to keep anything i earn that isn't eaten up by joint costs.

The only issue I have is that I don't think he looks after the money in the same way he would if it were his- it is like he views it as a bottomless pit.

He has savings but i wouldn't dream of asking him to contribute our daily expenses from that. May be different if there was a huge disparity in savings- eg I had none and because of current expenses had no way of saving and he was sat on lots!

YANBU. Utterly bonkers. DH earns about 4 times what I do so we worked out the amount I should pay in towards bills based on that ratio. If we went 50:50 I'd have no money at all and he would have thousands left over every month!

Can't respond fully now but will do later.

another quick question though

For a big bill that needs to be paid out of savings, like when we've had some work done on the house that's in both of our names, should we pay 50:50 since we own half each, or should what we pay reflect what savings we have?

I suppose that's the same question for those of you who pool everything. I can see how that would make a lot of things easier

Big bill gets paid from "the pool" - we both have ISAs for the tax free advantage - but it is not thought of as "his" or "mine" just ISAs- so the money would come from the ISAs.

We have always both had the same careful attitude to money, so pooling everything has never "mattered".....

Assuming you both have sensible enough and equal attitudes to spending there is no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't have pool money that all the bills come out of to remove this as a problem. I am part time and earn about half of what DH does and we still consider all the money we earn to be the family money. Because it is! DH can buy anything he fancies and so can I, but that works fine, as we are both good with cash. Obviously not everyone is the same though

If we had a big bill to pay it would just come out of whichever account had enough money in ! Some may be in my name, some in his and some joint but it's all considered the same.

If you want to have your own savings I would suggest that you both have the same amount of savings and pay the balance into a joint savings pot for big bills.

e.g.
Dazed savings £3000
DH savings £8000

then
Dazed savings £4000
DH savings £4000
Joint savings £3000