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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring 'trouble' his way?

54 replies

youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 08:38

I've ranted a few times on here about ds dad, he recently told me he is not interested in being a dad as he is now shacked up with a 38 year old women and his kids, FYI ds dad is 18! she has him under the thumb won't let him out her sight but his happy with that, helps her with her younger kids, decorates for them both etc so his said his just to busy to be is ds life, this is just the most recently of problems this arsehole has caused, i am not in contact with him at all, but i'm so raged and upset his done this to me and ds, he plays football it's his job i know where he plays and pretty sure can find out when so i am so tempted to go there and just express to him how angry i am and just show all his team mates and friends who go there what he is really like, ( they think the sun shines out his arse) only problem with this is his 'girlfriend' will be there to fight his corner and i don't want to fight i just want to tell him face to face as he hides behind text just want him to feel small for once and try let this anger go, but i think i am just being immature and should let it go? AIBU to want to do this to him?

OP posts:
WoodlandHills · 11/08/2012 08:41

Sounds like your DS is better off without him TBH

I can see why you would be tempted to try and show him up but it would probably just backfire on you as you would end up looking a bit unhinged

I hope he is paying maintenance

danteV · 11/08/2012 08:41

Yabnu to want to. Yabu if you do.
You will end up looking like a jealous, spiteful ex and give them loads of ammunition so they can tell their friends and family why its your fault he doesn't see your son.
You could also possibly end up being arrested if it goes wrong.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 11/08/2012 08:42

I rememeber your previous post about the C.S.A. and the fact that they won't chase him for money because he is an apprentice footballer.

Don't do it. You cannot force him to do the right thing. You will just make a fool of yourself. There is nothing to be gained from it at all. Just concentrate on looking after your DS the best you can.

danteV · 11/08/2012 08:42

Are you the one who the csa said he wasn't old enough to pay for the child yet?

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2012 08:43

I wouldn't want anyone to meet my children who didn't want to meet them. Your child is better off without this idiot.

He works? Then make sure CSA deal with him.

Count yourself lucky he's nowhere near your son and try to find yourself someone decent next time.

WoodlandHills · 11/08/2012 08:44

What an idiot :(

(the "dad" not the OP)

poor baby

Original poster
youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 08:45

yes that's me, he still doesn't have to pay maintenance, i know i am probably being unreasonable but i just can't let go of what his done to ds, but i want to

OP posts:
danteV · 11/08/2012 08:46

From what I remember he didn't have to pay as his mum still claimed child benefit for him.
If he doesn't live at home, she can not be claiming for him any longer.
I would go back to the csa.

squeakytoy · 11/08/2012 08:47

I agree with Imperial.

He has made it clear that he isnt interested in your child. I dont see any point in making attempts to force him to be. Get on with your life without him in it. He isnt going to be a good dad, and it would be better not having him in your childs life, than in and out of it and all the angst that will go with that.

You are young, you will have another relationship, and you will have more children, with someone who will be proud to be part of your sons life and be a dad to him.

Original poster
youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 08:51

I asked his mum for help she said no, he now lives with his squeeze but said he'll deny being ds dad and refuse a DNA if i go back to the csa!
DS hears my youngest sister call her dad, daddy now ds does he seems to think it's his daddy his only 19 months so i can't tell him his now but he runs to him crying daddy and he also rejects him as it's not his son, i can't help feel i have let DS down

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 08:52

If he is 18yo, he IS old enough to pay maintenance. I was perfectly able to put in an application for maintenance from DD's father when he was still 17yo.

Does he earn a wage? Does he pay Tax & NI? If yes, then the CSA CAN chase for maintenance.

I would go back to the CSA, again and again if need be, phone every week until they are so pissed off with you that they sort it out.

There is also a way you can apply for maintenance even when the father 'claims' to have no income at all - it's called a 'variation', or a 'departure', based on lifestyle.

If you need advice on CSA, pm me and I'll try to help you, but I don't answer PM's straight away as I usually post on my phone, so don't think I'm ignoring you if I don't reply right away!

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 08:54

Youngmummy17 - if he refuses a DNA test, then the CSA assumes parentage (basically unless he TAKES the test to prove he ISN'T the dad, then they say he IS the dad), and puts an assessment on him anyway.

So he's just trying to put you off going to the CSA.

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 08:57

Go back to the CSA. Seriously. And it IS possible to have a maintenance assessment in someone whose parent is in receipt of Child Benefit on their behalf too, it will only be for £5 a week though.

Original poster
youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 08:58

He works earns enough for base rate they know he does do some education there but said that's not stopping him paying csa it's because his mother still gets child benefit for him but he doesn't live at home i know this as i visited his mum last week so is he getting away with it? i don't want a battle i just want ds dad to take some responsibility by paying

OP posts:
Pickgo · 11/08/2012 09:01

He sounds very very immature and not really up to the job of being a dad. Lucky your DS has got a loving and sensible mum. Thanks

I would concentrate now on making a good life for yourself and DS. Get a good job planned out - something you will enjoy and have a good chance of finding work in. Take your revenge in living your life well and bringing up your son as someone you can be proud of - put his dad to shame.

danteV · 11/08/2012 09:02

He isn't going to take responsibility no matter how much you want it.
He can't refuse to do s DNA test, they will make him pay payments if he does.
The reason the csa didn't make him pay before is now not an issue. go back to them.
Surely going to the csa is going to be much less hassle and more sensible than going round and ranting at him.

Original poster
youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 09:07

I have read the Child Benefit website it states if his not living with his mother she may still get child benefit if:
You may keep getting Child Benefit for more than eight weeks if:
you're contributing towards your child's upkeep (see the section just below for more information about what types of contribution count)
you're contributing at least as much as the Child Benefit you get for your child
the person who your child's living with hasn't claimed
All of these must apply

I Assume his new partner has not claimed child benefit for him as that would be a little weird claiming benefit for your boyfriend so i don't know what i can do

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 11/08/2012 09:12

Just let it go OP. It will be for the best in the long run. I say this as someone whos ex didn't want anything to do with my DD. I was devestated, as im sure you were - i didn't want him, but i coudlnt comprehend how he could turn his back on his baby. I even took her to see her GPs but they weren't interested. I thought about going down the CSA route, but decided against it, i didn't want to be linked with him and have to rely on him to pay money out etc. This was at the time when the CSA had just started and it was crap to say the least.

So because he has never had to pay for her, he never got in touch and had anything to do with her. Shes 22 now and doing OK thank-you very much. She asked about him ONCE, but was never interested in him. Why should she be. The only thing that bothers me is that she could have siblings that she doesn't know, but you can't miss what you've never had! (saying that i MISS the million pounds i have never had Grin).

Just focus on your little boy and put this lad out of your mind. He sounds awful tbh. If i were you, id be planning on what YOU are going to do - are you going to go and get some qualifications? so that you can provide for your DS later on? give yourselves a decent quality of life. Do it for you and do it for your DS. Find out about what is available, im sure there would be help out there for a young mum like you who wants to get make her way in the world. I was 19 when i had my DD.

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 09:17

Just wait a few more weeks, and then any claim for Child Benefit is a fraudulent claim. Once you are sure he has been living with his woman-friend for over 8 weeks, report to the benefit fraud hotline.

Then phone the CSA and tell them it is a fraudulent claim, so the fact that child benefit is being claimed on his behalf is neither here nor there, and tell them they MUST investigate and assess.

Original poster
youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 09:18

I awaiting my A level results next week hopefully that will boost things but i am lost on the future really i only have half an a level as my college dropped them and t meant travelling to continue so now looking for something else to carry on with education!

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 09:20

Use the phrase 'deprivation of income'. Explain that his mother making a fraudulent Child Benefit claim on his behalf is depriving your son of income from maintenance. Explain that your ex is an Autonomous adult, living outside of the family home, cohabiting with another adult, and in a relationship with them, and therefore cannot be a child.

JumpingThroughHoops · 11/08/2012 09:34

Do you not think, at 18, all his mates aren't giving him the "wa-hays" at getting sex on tap? They'll be encouraging him and jealous that he is able to play at being grown up with a 38yo sort (who should know better)

They'll also be encouraging him to keep well away from you because in their eyes, you will have "trapped him". Frankly if you turn up at the football club, all his mates will laugh at the ranty-fishwife and then laugh at him for getting involved with you in the first place.

You do keep posting about this. I'm afraid you need to move on with your life, for your sake and that of your child. Pursue him for child support when he stops this football apprenticeship and gets a real job. But you can't make him be a father if he doesn't want to be.

Lucyellensmum99 · 11/08/2012 09:38

Good luck with your results :) That is a start, and you are in better shape than i was in your position as i had no qualifications. Maybe evening classes for now? Just while DS is young, there is no rush but you are in good shape to get back into the learning seat. If you are to be over 21 by the end of the course you can do an access course that will give you university entry if you want to go down that route, however that is three years and that may well be difficult without support. Do you live with your parents? Would you be able to get childcare? Lots of routes to go down, don't, whatever you do, give up on your education. You are very articulate in your writing style so you are clearly an intelligent person. Hold your head up high and go and forge a life for you and your son, let this boy be a distant memory. Yes, its rubbish that he isn't stepping up, but chasing him via the CSA is going to acheive nothing really. Im not sure you will even be any better off financially, someone may correct me on this, but surely what he pays will only be taen from your benefits? It not your fight, report him if you must but just forget all about him, you're worth more.

Pickgo · 11/08/2012 09:40

Have you thought about an apprenticeship, or vocational training - nursing, teaching...?

Get some good career advice OP - it is important for you to plan for the future - more than most. You need to find somrthing that will give you an income to live on and stability for you and DS. Good luck.

Sallyingforth · 11/08/2012 10:02

OP you must go back to the CSA. However young and low paid he is now, there are many years ahead when he will be earning more and you will need that money to bring up your child.
Don't let him get away with this.

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